Proud Devil Bitch
This page was created with the intention
of helping me understand my fractured
and slightly disturbed mind, a condition
caused by encountering and embracing my alter-ego,
Lilith, last year.
Lilith is that side of me that was always repressed
during my career and out in society in general. She
is the woman I always was but never could be because
I had a particular role to fill and a certain job to perform,
both to which Lilith represented a major hinderance.
Over the past decade, as Lilith remained locked in my
mind, she grew more restless, naughty, frustrated, and
undeniable. She vied for power with my dominant
self, as I waged a losing battle to keep her
under control and out of my life. As I considered Lilith
to be contrary to my values, I fought that battle with
everything that I had.
But no matter the scenario into which she presented
herself, Lilith always triumphed over me in my mind.
Over and over again, Lilith arose and overtook me.
Sometimes I pictured her destroying my career and my
relationships, while others I watched as she lured me
into corruption and immorality. Always, I felt as though
I had plummeted from some great height afterward, normally
feeling spent, bloodied, and overpowered at the bottom as
I welcomed a restful death away from Lilith's spirit.
Yet a little over a year ago I decided to stop denying
Lilith her right to live and allowed her a place in my heart
and life. Like being swept up by a whirlwind Lilith took
control of my mind; she rose to the fore even as I sunk
into the background. As if I was possessed, I watched
as Lilith lived out her every desire through me, using my
body, my mind, my assets, everything, to satiate the
hunger I produced by repressing her for so long.
And she was a very, very hungry girl!
I will get into more detail later, though suffice it to say
for now, the blog I wrote concerning my gang bang last
August was only one way in which Lilith has used our
time together. She and I have done quite a few other
unlady-like things since last year, so much so that I am
now in therapy. I might write about some of those
adventures also, if I feel I can do so with anonymity.
At the moment I am quite happy with my decision to
allow Lilith into my life. In fact, all of the experiences she
and I have shared have allowed me to grow as a person
and gain wisdom. More importantly, I feel that Lilith has
offered me salvation by freeing my mind from religious
and societal dogma through the fulfillment of her desires
which many of us call "sin." In this sense, I consider Lilith
my Christ, for she has set my mind and conscious free.
My page is a brief metaphor for the journey Lilith took me
on over the past year. It begins with her arrival and
becoming inside me in which I relinquished to her command
of my life. It continues on through various aspects of myself
which I came to accept and like, or at least that I did not
continue to repress. Ultimately it shows my trip into Lilith's
playground, ending with what I hope will be the stable and
happy return of control of my life to me, Catherine, as Lilith
and I learn to coexist.
Below each picture is a link to a song that I think fits that
particular moment or aspect of my life.
Lastly, cum grano salis
all of this is very real, but I take none
of it to be too serious. To do so would just be fucking crazy.
Die Sonne Satan - "The Venerable"
Attention on Deck!
Nine Inch Nails - "Reptile"
Change of Command
Marilyn Manson - "Apple of Sodom"
In Moonlit Whispers
I like to fuck myself to this:
TOOL - "Reflection"
I like to fuck to this:
God Module - "The Ones We Love"
Whilst On My Knees
I like to get fucked to this:
Velvet Acid Christ - "Slut"
I like fucking to this:
Puscifer - "The Undertaker (Renholder Remix)"
I like to make love to this:
A Perfect Circle - "The Hollow (Acoustic Sessions)"
I like getting goddamned naughty to this:
Melleefresh and Deadmau5 - "Hey Baby"
I like to roll to this:
Perish Studio 69 - Goddesses and Warriors Rave @ Vanguard Hollywood (2011)
Goin' More Up
I like to pretend I can dance to this:
Chemical Brothers - "Don't Think" (Black Swan Soundtrack)
The Sky's the Limit
I like to lose control to this:
Bluescreens - "Assault"
Sailing High Over Manic Seas at Twilight, and the Stars. Are.
............ S s S c C CR EEee E A a eamM iN INNGGG! ! ..!!!
I like to trip out to this:
Case & Point - "Upgrade"
Can You Stand On Your Head???
I like to freak out to this:
The Fish House - "Stripped"
Attention on Deck!
Ayria - "Counterblow"
[Thank you Jedermann for the outstanding picture.]
Ravaged in Lilith's wake:
Hungry Lucy - "A Girl Alone"
Searching for Salvation:
Type O Negative - "Christian Woman"
Flyleaf - "All Around Me"
Catherine resumes command:
Katy Perry - "Part of Me"