Sex Humor Porn Stories Page 74
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How... Continue»
My new FWB and I are looking for a place to play. found an ad on CL and this is the response she sent, Hope you enjoy. I'm not sure what to laugh or rub one out:)
Please tell me what yall think!
My lover and I are interested in your room, however before we enter into an agreement, I have a few codicils based on our needs.
1. We only need the room for approximately 10 hours a week, we’re both married, so play time is limited and quite frankly can only handle a few hours of pussy licking, clit biting, cock sucking, ass tonguing, tits flying, ball pounding sex. I get dehydrated from multiple... Continue»
Daughter's can be Fun
My Daughter came home.
We were both ready to go to the toilet by the time I pulled into our drive way, the last stop was for gas and a drink but should have been a full pit stop and it was an hour ago.
It would be a race to the down stairs bathroom and Jane was on the right and closer to the door but I had the house keys. Once I unlocked the back door it would be 'all's fair in love and war', there were two ways to get to the toilet.
I put the car in park and Jane opened her door and fairly jumped out calling to me to throw her the keys. I smirked, 'no such l... Continue»
Six glorious weeks have passed and I feel like I'm still on our honeymoon. Of course we aren't married but Jane is the woman of our house and we do sl**p together, well, some of the time we sl**p and things have just gotten better. Plus there's a peaceful calm about the place as if Jenny approved of our new relationship. I just didn't know it was the calm before the storm.
It started with a shopping trip. The weather had improved and some of Jane's outside games made eating outside fun which meant BBQ food. So, armed with a list we headed to the supermarket. Now, one of my main gripes abou... Continue»
This is not actually mine my friend told me it was hers and she said if I can post it here.
My friend and as a lover:
It was one Friday morning, when Jake texted me about going out for some breakfast and have a little friendly talk. He said "Hey Maddy I want to tell you something about your boyfriend Nick". I was so curious about how he said he wants to tell me something about my bf. So I replied "sure there's no big deal about that I guess..." so i sat down the bench waiting for Jake to pick me up after talking to Nick for about five minutes Jake arrived and let me in his car. Jake ... Continue»
We are back in Texas and I have a new job working on power lines. I’m on call most of the time but not a lot happens. Hanging around the house one day and I get a call for a job. Not well prepared for work because I’m the new guy I didn’t think anything of it for lunch. The job I got a call for ended up being a bad one, long hours for a few days. As lunch time rolled around all the guys are talking about what they are going to do. Most of them said something about pizza but didn’t want to leave the job because the parts man could come by anytime. Given I didn’t want to do anything they aren’t ... Continue»
As an avid hiker, I knew my way around the back hills of my small town. I knew every trail and every distinguishable outcropping for miles. I spent years combing the feet of the Appalachians and up its mighty boulders until I couldn't proceed without actual climbing gear. So, when the day came that I finally managed to get myself lost all I could say was, "Shit."
"Perfect," I muttered quietly to myself. That's what I get for leaving my GPS unit at camp. But I wasn't going to get anywhere by simply cursing my impotence. I set off towards my back trail in search of some sign of life. I knew h... Continue»
After I had broken up with my girlfriend, I was left to wander the world of women. I had met a cute woman who was in my work group at school. We immediately started getting along. We had a similar sense of humor and similar relationship pasts. Both of which allowed us to make a powerful connection. Soon enough we were hanging out outside of class; I took her fishing, she helped me pick out my dog. We were inseparable.
We did hit one snag though: neither of us wanted a new relationship. We were both in our "cool down" mode after our break ups and decided to just fuck each other as much as we ... Continue»
We lived in Kentucky and frequented a nudist club in Southern Ohio. We met many interesting people while sunning ourselves. Talking and lots of smiles were common and being naked the talking and smiling were open and sincere.
We both noticed a couple that tickled our fancy (so to speak) and agreed that they might be fun to be with especially since there were lots of eye contact between us as a couple. We found later that their names were Danny and Kathy.
I loved the sauna...so while my lovely, curvy and sex driven wife was laying in the sun I opted for a visit into the sauna. I layed my... Continue»
I was doing my cleaning duties, Big cotton pants, tan tights, Skirt and blouse from charity shop. Knock on the door, as usual I went to hide in the bathroom. Its ok you can come out. When I went in the lounge there was wifes best mate H. She smiled as I felt like dying. Oh I see what you mean!! My wife K said lift your skirt! I was close to tears. Look at those panties said H oh dear how sad are those?.
I was sent to shower and shave all my pubes. When I got to the bedroom there was a pair of French knickers and hold up stockings. A nice black bra with inserts plus a red underskirt. I dre... Continue»
My heart beat started to run very fast. I can imagine what condition these men dicks must be. I did not have to wait for long, dharampal touched her plump pussy and found her dripping wet, he said ” haramzadi ki chut kitni geeli hai dekho bhaio ‘ he showed his glistening finger to everyone he said ” aab teri chut phateygi bol kutia gand aur chut sath mein phatwayegi ya bari bari” . Jyoti to everyone’s suprise said” sath mein behan key lodey , aur bari bari sab sey continued.
Listen to this dharampal ordered everyone to make way for his monster, he had approx 9 inches long and 6 inches thic... Continue»
It was the last day of my vacation, i was 16 (two years ago). My dad, mom, b*****r, aunty and uncle were getting ready to leave me in the airport, it takes 5 hours to come to the airport from my city. My uncle was driving the van and my b*****r was sitting near him, my mom and dad was sitting on the second row and my aunt and me was sitting on the last row. We started our 5 hours trip. After around 30 minutes my aunt touched my hand and slowly she takes our hands near her pussy. Then suddenly she gave me a rapid kiss on the lips and she put my hand under shirt and with her hand she was touchin... Continue»
What I did was wrong. I know that. You don’t have to judge me, I take responsibility for my actions. I am not going try to make excuses. I simply want to explain how it happened. I want you to understand that it was an accident. It was an honest mistake. I did not realize what my s****r was doing to me until it was too late. I’ve had some time to sort through the events of the past year, and there are so many things I would do differently if I could. To be honest though, there are some things I would never change. Some aspects that a part of me really enjoyed. I’d do it again. My parents split... Continue»
Being a ghost sucks!
There I said it. As a Ghost I have limited control of the physical world. Aside from turning lights on and off I'm pretty much useless, that being said I have discovered quite a few tricks.
"Are you there Jack?" Regan asked from her room.
"No, I'm out in the Living Room." I said.
"I'm getting dressed so don't come in!" she said.
Regan came out wearing a rather fetching blue sun dress. "Have you been up all night?" she asked.
"Yeah...why?" I asked.
"I made up the couch for you, why didn't you..."
I didn't mention this in our ... Continue»
My plan to soften the Stone wall that was Erin Hardy was entering it's second week. After five days of one-sided banter I found myself contemplating another strategy.
"I'm gonna join the Crew!" I said with a smile.
"You wanna join Erin's crew...why?" Mouse asked.
"To get close to her and win her over man."
"And how do you plan to do that my good sir." he asked.
"Phase one, I steal her truck."
"I'd like to see you try, they never leave it unguarded for long."
"Yeah that would be a problem if I didn't already do it." I said handing him my iPhone. On the screen was a sn... Continue»
Prelude: Hot sexy woman describes her sexual escape with a cucumber in the produce section.
I get up this morning and take a quick shower, then put on my favorite short denim jean skirt and a matching color tube top.
I check out myself in the mirror one last time, then say to myself, "Honey, for being a middle aged woman, you look hot!"
After I put on my dark blue high heel shoes, I am off the to store!
The first shopping cart that I choose has a front wheel that clicks, so I decide to turn around and get another one. Suddenly, one of the the guys that work in the produce section t... Continue»
A really good friend of mine, who occasionally roomed with me, had a breakup with his girl friend. After taking a majority of her personal items she asked that he return the last few items she left behind when she left. One important item she mentioned to him was a set of photo albums. While she didn’t want the entire album set, she did want to go thru them and choose the photos she wanted to take out of them. So, as his best friend I volunteered to be the arbitrator for the albums. We arranged to have her come to my place one evening and go thru the albums on a day that he was working so that... Continue»
In our place, there is one quack doctor as I can say. We locally called this "manghihilot", whenever we have some kind of sickness that medical doctors can not cure, we turn to them for cure. They usually use oil and oration and other amulets that drives sickness or bad spirits away. They usually do "hilot" or a type of curative massage that focuses on relieving bodily pains and sickness.
Our "manghihilot" is known in our area since I was a c***d, during that time he is on his 50s or something. Until now, he still performs "hilot" and at his age, which I assume at around 80s, is still ... Continue»
She was proud to be a personal housemaid like her mother had been. Her mother cleaned private estates for almost 20 years and now she was happy to take over for her mother who had decided to retire and move to Arizona for health reasons. After all those years of dusting she felt the good clean air would do her some good. Her mother only had six private cleaning clients, but they all paid very well. Strangely her mother never met some of her clients because they were gone by the time she got there to work. Taking over she could only manage to keep three or four clients. She was new in the busin... Continue»
Have you ever had a really bad day?
I mean a real shitfest!
Where things go from bad to worse in the blink of an eye?
First, I got fired.
Then I got dumped
And last but certainly not least, I died!
So to recap, Fired, Dumped, Dead...bummer!
You might be asking yourself..."Jack, how does a moderately healthy guy just this side of Thirty die" Well "self" maybe next time you'll unplug the toster before you try to pry out a Pillsbury Toaster Strudle with a butterknife...while high.
So yeah I got zapped with 50,000 volts and died alone in my underwear and a Spice World T-... Continue»