This is a print version of story The Bad Girls of History by Mikebasil from xHamster.com

The Bad Girls of History



This post is the accompaniment to the gallery of the same title on this page. The entries here are in the same order as the entries in the gallery and the biography of each lady cane be read here or in the comments box accompanying their picture.

Eve:
According to the Christian church this is where the trouble all started in the first place! This following gallery was inspired by an idea given to me by Sir J who suggested a possible collection of great historical ladies who were definitely in need of a good spanking for their misbehaviour. I eagerly jumped on to the idea and compiled a list of some of the most adorable sluts and hellcats from the past. The list was a long one! I had to trim it considerably to prevent the gallery becoming too cumbersome. In one respect there was already some people who would otherwise have easily made this list that are sadly absent. It was a proviso of the project that I was not allowed to use any lady who had appeared in any previous gallery of mine. This meant that such notables as Cleopatra, Nell Gwynn, Cixi, Catherine the Great, Mata Hari, Boudicca, Eleanor of Aquitaine, Lady Godiva, Anne Boleyn and, of course, the incomparable Messalina were automatically excluded from the gallery. The other limiting factor I mostly stuck to was that all of these “ladies” were to be ladies of the past who are no longer with us. There are, naturally, any number of well known ladies alive today who you feel would benefit mightily from having their backsides thrashed for them but I’ll leave that for another gallery. There is only one person still alive that makes it into this gallery but I’ve included her for a special reason and in any case her legacy belongs to the past and she is very old now. Of course the viewer will probably find many of their own favourites missing from this list and if so I urge you to let me know so that I can include them in a future sequel. The bios and accounts of these ladies’ misdeeds are included in the comments as well as on the blog so that you can read each character’s story along with the picture. I do so hope you enjoy this rogues’ gallery of some of my favourite bad girls and take a trip into the past to raise a glass for all the delightful sluts whose bad behaviour has so enriched out cultural heritage.
Dido:9th Century BC.
This was a bad girl with a brain on her shoulders if half the stories about her are true. Of course the story of Dido is probably one of the least reliable historically in this list as the ancient historians who recounted her misdeeds were as much concerned with morality tales and mythology as they were about recording historical fact. Nevertheless it’s a good story. Dido (or Elissa as she’s sometimes called) was the beautiful daughter of the king of Tyre. On the death of her father she was named joint heir with her b*****r Pygmalion (who was still a boy). Sadly for our girl the people chose Pygmalion as sole ruler and she was left sucking on the hind tit as the saying goes. She did have a Plan B though for she married her wealthy uncle, Acerbas who had treasure buried all over the shop. There doesn’t seem to have been much love lost between Dido and her b*****r as he grew up though for Pygmalion soon had his eye on Acerbas’ buried fortune. Hoping to get his hands on the loot he had Acerbas murdered. This made Dido’s position a little awkward and she formulated her own scheme. She piously told her b*****r that, as a new widow, she wished to move back to the f****y palace and would he send attendants to help her move. All too eager to get his mitts on the treasure he agreed. Our girl was a step ahead of him though. When the attendants arrived to help with the moving she gave them the sacks of treasure and ordered them to heave them into the sea as a sacrifice to the memory of her husband. Unable to refuse her command they obeyed and then thought about the consequences of returning to Pygmalion to tell him they’d just dumped all his loot in the briny. Dido had a proposition for them. She was about to leg it out of the country and she persuaded them as well as several senators to join her. They all agreed and the party took flight aboard ship. By the by the sacks they’d thrown in the sea didn’t contain the treasure after all. Our little minx had substituted sand for it! The party took route via Cyprus where they grabbed eighty prostitutes to provide women for the extra men and finally finished up on the North coast of Africa. The Berber king Iarbas was a bit reluctant to grant them anywhere to stay but Dido begged him for a tiny piece of land, so small that it could be encompassed by a single ox-hide. He agreed thinking that couldn’t amount to much. He didn’t know who he was up against! Dido had the ox hide cut in very thin strips and laid out to surround an enormous area in a mathematical solution so ingenious that it is still to this day known as the Dido Problem. On the land taken our lass founded the city of Carthage of which she became queen. Later she apparently sacrificed herself on a pyre to avoid being trapped in marriage to Iarbas. Me I’m not sure. Knowing our girl it was probably an elaborately staged ruse and she legged it out of there with the city’s treasury! Definitely a girl who needed a spanking if you could ever lay hands on the slippery little vixen long enough to give her one!
Lulu White:1868-1931.
Lulu claimed to be a West Indian immigrant but she was actually born on a farm near Selma, Alabama. She was of mixed white and African American ancestry and her career in vice started early in life. Her criminal record dates back to 1880 when she was just 12 years old! As a prostitute in New Orleans she harboured ambitions to own her own establishment. The result of this ambition was her grand brothel at 235 Basin Street in New Orleans’ infamous Storyville district. Known as “Mahogany Hall” this became one of the most sumptuous and notorious houses of ill repute in New Orleans. It was an “octoroon” house specialising in light skinned African Americans of mixed race of which as many as forty were in residence at any one time. It had five parlours, fifteen bedrooms all with their own bathrooms, incredibly luxurious furnishings, huge chandeliers, Tiffany glass, original oil paintings and enough potted plants to furnish a horticultural show. Lulu ruled this palace of vice as one of the city’s grand madams, procuring many young Creole “ladies” for the prostitution business and displaying a love for expensive jewellery until it was forcibly closed by the authorities in 1917. She also ran a saloon on Bienville street. This changed ostensibly to a soft drinks parlour with the enactment of the Volstead Act establishing prohibition in 1919. Unsurprisingly Lulu was hauled up on charges of violating the prohibition act in 1929. The old Mahogany hall was sadly demolished in 1949 but a part of Lulu’s old saloon still stands as a legacy to this grand lady’s immoral contribution to the New Orleans heritage!
Jeanne Antoinette Poisson: 1721-1764.
Among the legions of French Royal mistresses this one stands out head and shoulders above the rest. Her life started a bit scandalously to be honest for their were serious doubts about her parentage and the man who was supposedly her legal father legged it out of the country to avoid arrest over his unpaid debts (a crime punishable by death at the time) when she was just four. Nevertheless our girl grew up into a beauty and was renowned for her wit and intelligence. She married a Charles-Guillaume Le Normant d’Etoiles was she was just 19 and bore him two c***dren. She was also becoming known in society. Her salon at Etoiles was being patronised by such luminaries as Voltaire and other philosophers. Inevitably, in 1745, she came to the attention of the Royal courtiers of the time who mentioned her to King Louis XV. As it happened there was a vacancy going at the palace since Louis’ last mistress, the Duchesse de Chateauroux, had just kicked the bucket and he was in mourning for her and keeping a sharp eye open for a replacement. Little pretty Jeanne fit the bill perfectly! In February 1745 she was invited to a masked ball at Versailles and by March she was installed in her own private apartments just below the king’s in the palace. She dumped the hubby shortly after and became the official first mistress to the king. He made her the Marquise du Pompadour and she became known as Madame du Pompadour ever after. As mistresses go she was a resounding success, charming, witty and the toast of the court. There are numerous portraits painted of her at this time. Some are quite formal but in others she seems to have suffered serial costume malfunctions. It appears she could hardly sit in front of a painter without parts of her dress coming unstuck. Of course, as evidenced by the portrait in this gallery, sometimes she didn’t bother with the dress at all! Jeanne got on very well with the queen and in fact they were great friends. Now it may be thought unusual that the king’s wife was pally with his mistress but hey... this was France remember! The queen sounds philosophical about it as she said, “If there must be a mistress, better her than any other.” She was also conscientious about her position as mistress. When she was ill after two miscarriages she arranged for temporary replacements for herself in the king’s bed! She was a sparkling jewel in the palace ornamentation, clever, witty and oh so beautiful... possibly the most outstanding royal mistress in French history. She died sadly young of tuberculosis in 1764. She was a wonderful girl but doubtless in need of a spanking which, judging by the rosy hue on her derriere in the portrait featured in this gallery, looks like she got!
Phyllis Dixey: 1914-1964.
This little lovely was born in Merton, Surrey in England. She was a dancer, singer and impresario although early in her career she was simply a singer in variety shows. Her breakthrough into new grounds came during World War Two when she joined ENSA. ENSA (Entertainments National Service Association, later to become the Combined Services Entertainment) was the organisation set up in 1939 to provide entertainment for the British armed f***es in the field drawing popular British entertainers to put on shows for the troops in various theatres of war. Phyllis did a bit of singing and a bit of dancing but her piece de resistance were her “nude tableaux” when she showed not the slightest compunction in getting her kit off in front of the entire regiment! She was recorded as being very popular with the troops. I’ll bet she was! In 1942 she moved into the West End of London with her own company of girls and rented the old Whitehall Theatre to put on her own review called “The Whitehouse Follies” It was the West End’s first ever striptease show and, in the dark days of the war, one of the few bright spots in blitzed London. She stayed in the West End for another five years producing the “Peek a boo” reviews which were, to all intents and purposes, strip shows. Phyllis never saw it that way preferring to think of them as artistic and her performances as an art form... yeah right Phyllis! It wasn’t exactly an artistic crowd she pulled in but almost exclusively male audiences who crowned her the unofficial “Queen of Striptease” She also appeared in a couple of films one of which was intriguingly called “Love up the Pole” but her later career floundered somewhat and she died penniless in 1964 at the age of fifty.
Gypsy Rose Lee:1911-1970.
You’re just gonna love this girl! She was born Ellen June Hovick in Seattle, Washington but her name was changed to Rose Louis after her younger s****r was born and given her name for reasons that are unclear. After the divorce of their mother in their teens the two girls went on to perform in Vaudeville as dancers and entertainers to support the f****y. As a double s****r act they were reasonably successful but unfortunately the younger s****r, Ellen June, (a girl in need a good spanking herself) eloped with one of the dancers in the show leaving Rose Louise to carry on alone. It wasn’t the same without her younger s****r. Rose simply wasn’t a good enough dancer and singer. Then one night catastrophe struck. While performing on stage the strap of her costume broke and, despite her efforts to prevent it, her gown fell to her ankles. Rose was mortified but the audience were rapturous! As a result of this calamity Rose had an epiphany. The dress falling off her became part of her routine and her career as a burlesque striptease artist had begun. Her shows were characterised by the almost casual way she seemed to shed clothes apparently by accident whilst keeping up a witty repartee. She became the biggest star of the notorious Minsky’s Burlesque of New York City in the 1930s. The crowds loved her. The authorities were less than amused and the show was raided with monotonous regularity and Rose’s career was punctuated by innumerable arrests for indecency. In the late 30’s she had a short lived career in films but she was no better an actress than she’d been a singer and soon returned to New York where she appeared in Michael Todd’s musical revue and had an affair with the producer to boot! It was one of a number of seedy affairs in addition to her three marriages throughout her chequered career. Whatever her faults this was a lady with a love of life. Sadly in 1970 her life slipped from her. She did not let it fall with the same casualness that her clothes had fallen from her throughout her career to the delight of her many admirers.
Lady Emma Hamilton:1765-1815.
One hardly knows where to start in recounting this little madam’s lifetime of misconduct! She is most famous of course as the mistress of Admiral Lord Nelson but that scandal is only the tip of the iceberg in her sorry tale of wanton misbehaviour. One of the first indications of the way her life was going was when she worked at young age in London’s Drury Lane Theatre in Covent Garden as a maid to actresses on the stage. This inspired her to a life in the theatre but her earliest performing job seems to have been at James Graham’s Temple of Health. Graham was a quack doctor and an indication of what kind of establishment his “Temple of Health” was can be deduced by its foremost attraction which was a mattress that gave electric shocks to anybody lying on it. It was touted as a cure for infertility and couples would pay good money to copulate on it, while being subjected to electric shocks, in the hope of conceiving; all under the supervision of “doctor” Graham of course. Young Emma’s (actually under her birth name Amy at that time) contribution to this dubious establishment was as a dancer and model and you can bet her performances would not be recommended by the national health service. Emma soon moved on to greater things. By the age of 15 she was employed as a hostess and entertainer for Sir Harry Featherstonehaugh’s ribald stag parties on his estate in the South Downs when she frequently danced naked on the tables. She became Sir Harry’s mistress though he was less than amused when she gave birth to his illegitimate c***d. She moved on to Charles Frances Greville First Earl of Warwick next. He was smitten by her and had her painted in a number of clothed and unclothed portraits by the artist George Romney, another man that fell under her charms. Greville had decided meanwhile to bolster his failing fortunes by marrying wealthy young heiress Henrietta Middleton and Emma was a bit of an embarrassment to this ambition so he shipped her on to his uncle Sir William Hamilton who took her off to Naples as his mistress. In Naples Emma developed her “Attitudes” style of stage performance dressing in flimsy classical styles to pose on stage alluringly. Astonishingly Sir William married his mistress and so Emma came to her title. She first met Nelson in 1793 when he came to Naples to gather reinf***ements and the two quickly fell in love. Emma and Sir William returned to England and they lived openly in a ménage a trois with Nelson and so scandalised society that the Admiralty desperately sought to find ways to send Nelson back to sea just to get him away from Emma! She gave birth to Nelson’s daughter Horatia in 1801 but her second c***d by him in 1804 died very young. Sir William died in 1803 leaving Emma finally free to marry Nelson if he could divorce his first wife. It never came to be. Nelson sailed out to meet the French navy and his death off Cape Trafalgar in 1805. Emma ended her life in poverty in Calais.
Ching Shih: 1775-1844.
This little beauty would make it into anybody’s bad girl book! We know little about her early life but we do know that she was a prostitute working in a Cantonese brothel around 1880 to 1881. She was captured by pirates during a raid and spirited off to sea. That would have been a calamity to most women but it was just a fortuitous career move for our girl. She married the notorious pirate Zheng Yi in 1821 and rapidly rose to prominence among the pirates among the Cantonese pirate fleets. Zheng’s genius was to persuade all the competing pirate fleets off Canton to form an alliance and forge them into a single unified pirate fleet of formidable power. When he died in 1807 our girl took over the reins of his “Red Fleet” and used it to dominate and terrorise all the seas between Macao and Canton. She was no ordinary pirate this girl. At her zenith she had over eighty thousand men, women and c***dren under her command and her combined fleet was so powerful that not even the combined navies of Imperial China, Britain and Portugal could do a damn thing about it! They robbed settlements the length of their empire, levied their own taxes through extortion and generally ruled the coastal lands as their own fief. Our girl did have some morals however. She would personally castrate any man under her command committing ****! Most pirates come to a sticky end but not Ching Shih. Unable to get rid of her in any other way the Chinese authorities offered her amnesty in 1810. She took advantage of the offer and retired to her own estates on the mainland, married her lieutenant, opened a gambling house and lived in luxury on her ill gotten gains until her death at the age of 69. So you think you’re going to try and give this little firecracker a spanking do you? Go ahead! Be my guest!
Iva Ikuko Toguri D'Aquino: 1916-2006.
There’s no doubt that Iva was a naughty girl but to be honest she wasn’t as naughty as she was made out to be. She was born in Los Angeles to Japanese immigrants and brought up an American girl; raised a Methodist, joined the Girl Guides, graduated from High School and obtained a degree in zoology from the University of California. There was nothing at all there to suggest she was anything other than the sort of all American girl her parents could be proud of. Her biggest mistake in life was one of timing. She took a journey to visit an ailing relative and to study medicine in Japan. Sadly she didn’t have a passport, merely a Certificate of Identification from the American authorities. In order to return to her home she had to apply for a passport from the US Consul. The bureaucratic machinery turned turgidly however and it was the worst possible time to be stuck in Japan without a passport. It was 1941 and in December that year Admiral Yamamoto’s k**o Butai carrier strike f***e destroyed the American Pacific fleet in Pearl Harbour, war broke out and Iva was stranded. To her enormous credit, Iva refused, under pressure from the Japanese government to repudiate her American nationality. However, since she had not taken Japanese citizenship she was unable to obtain ration cards and was obliged to work for a living. Sadly she ended up as a typist for Radio Tokyo. From there she graduated to having her own radio show that broadcast English language propaganda to allied troops throughout the Pacific theatre. Tokyo Rose had been born. To be fair to Iva the name Tokyo Rose was coined by allied servicemen in the war and applied to any of a dozen female English broadcasters on the Japanese side. Iva’s own contribution to the Japanese propaganda machine was fairly innocuous and she refused to broadcast anything anti American in her shows. Indeed she was somewhat of an angel of mercy using part of her small income to buy and smuggle food to allied prisoners of war. In 1945 at the end of the war she was arrested but prosecutors could find nothing in her broadcasts that had aided the Japanese war effort. It mattered not. In 1949, determined to bring her to justice, American authorities charged her with eight acts of treason. It was, at the time, one of the longest and costliest trials in American history and also one of the most disgraceful with the prosecution resorting to every dirty trick in the book to gain a conviction. It worked. The jury found her guilty of a single charge and she was sentenced to ten years in jail and a 10,000 dollar fine. It was a harsh sentence for a girl who at best deserved a spanking and being sent to bed without any supper for her poor errors of judgement. Iva served six years before parole but was finally vindicated when, following disclosures of the false evidence given at her trial, she was granted an unconditional pardon by President Gerald Ford in 1977.
Mae West: 1893-1980.
To give her her due Mae never pretended to be anything other than a thoroughly bad girl. She once had a line in one of her early roles that she wrote in herself and epitomised her own philosophy when a hat girl complements her on her jewellery with the words “Goodness! What beautiful diamonds!” to which Mae replies, “Goodness had nothing to do with it dearie!” It was the kind of one line quip Mae would become legendary for. Mae was performing on stage from an early age but her first starring role on Broadway in 1927 was in a play she wrote, produced and directed. Never one to call a spade an topsoil redistribution device Mae called her play “Sex”! The New York city officials were less than amused but the audiences loved it until the authorities shut the thing down as an affront to public decency and clapped Mae in the clanger for ten days for “corrupting the morals of youth.” She served eight days of her sentence during which time she charmed the prison warden and his wife and boasted that she wore silk knickers throughout her jail sentence! After that stunning debut and the attendant media publicity Mae never looked back. Her next play was called “The Drag” about homosexuality which the authorities never allowed her to stage on Broadway and she followed that up with a series of her own works with such titles as “The Constant Sinner”, “The Wicked Age.”, “Pleasure Man” and “Diamond Lil” which, as can be deduced from the titles, were not productions liable to endear her to the moral sensibilities of prudish civic authorities. She first moved from the stage onto the silver screen in 1932 with the film “Night after Night.” (hmm!) when, according to her co-star George Raft, she “stole everything but the cameras!” Mae had arrived in Hollywood. It would never be the same again. All told she starred in some twelve major movies, numerous more stage productions, Las Vegas shows and even outraged the public with radio broadcasts denounced as “vulgar and indecent.” Her earthy and acerbic wit became legendary and, while she made no pretences about herself, could be s**thing about the hypocritical morals of other stars, describing one rival for instance as having “been under more men than a barstool!” She went through a gaggle of husbands and lovers and was having an affair with a wrestler and muscleman when she was in her sixties. There is no doubt that Mae was a girl in serious need of a good spanking. She might have even enjoyed it for when she was asked by a reported about what she thought about police brutality she pondered for a moment before replying “Ok as long as it’s between consenting adults!” Mae passed away in 1980 at the grand old age of 87. The world seems a duller, greyer place for her having left it.
Thais:4th Century BC.
This is a girl you’d think twice about inviting to a party at your house. She was another of that time honoured profession of courtesan; called in Greek a hetera. We don’t know much about where she was born or her early life but she was a famous courtesan in Greece at the time of Alexander the Great. She frequently accompanied Alexander on his military campaigns but whether she was sl**ping with him is a little unclear although he liked having her around. Alexander, although he was married and kept a considerable harem, didn’t really show much interest in women. He was more attached to his friend and bodyguard Hephaestion and there’s more than a hint he was gay. Thais did become the lover of one of Alexander’s generals, Ptolemy. It was in 330 BC when Thais becomes known for her most notorious escapade however. Alexander and his cronies were at a party in the palace at Persepolis where Thais was present. Well everybody had a bit too much to drink, like you do, and Thais got up to make a speech. What happened next is a bit unclear but it seems that Thais’ words so inflamed the company present that they decided on a whim to set light to the palace! Thais not only encouraged this d***ken idiocy but even got up to lead the way with a torch of her own. It was a shambles! Fortunately nobody was hurt but the whole damn place was burned to the ground! Thais later went off with Ptolemy and probably married him. Ptolemy of course became the King of Egypt, founding the Ptolemaic Dynasty which ended 300 years later with the death of Cleopatra. It is doubtful if she became Queen of Egypt although she bore him three c***dren. For one thing her legal status was unclear and in any case Ptolemy had a whole bunch of wives. Thais thus drifts out of the historical record; a beauty that was probably a lot of fun to have around as long as you kept her away from anything incendiary!
Chen Yuanyuan: 1624-1681.
Chen’s role in 17th century China is often difficult to discern which will surprise no one who has ever tried to unravel the labyrinthine complexities of Chinese history. She was born to a peasant f****y and embarked upon the one career that an ambitious girl blessed with stunning good looks from a humble background could aspire to. She became a courtesan. She had another advantage. She was accounted a great singer and became a leading singer in the Suzhou opera. !7th century Chinese opera sounds a bit like feline abuse to modern ears but it was enough to get the young woman noticed, so much so that she was, in time honoured Chinese fashion, nearly a*****ed to become somebody’s fancy piece. To protect herself she became the concubine of a certain Mao Xiang. Being a 17th century Chinese concubine wasn’t a position with a great deal of job security about it however and she was a*****ed by the Tian Hongyu f****y to take up a position there as a singing concubine. The pivotal moment in her life however came when she was then passed on to become the concubine of Wu Sangui, possibly by being sold or given as a gift. It was as the concubine to this great general high in the ranks of the imperial army that Chen’s influence really starts to make an impact. Wu is regarded as one of the greatest traitors in Chinese history and, trust me, there are a lot of them! It was a hell of a time first with a serious rebellion by the war leader Li Zicheng who sacked Beijing in 1644 and led to Emperor Chongzhen ordering his f****y to commit suicide before hanging himself. (our girl reputedly assisted him to the noose.) Chen was taken prisoner by the new usurper Li and this annoyed Wu greatly. In one of the most treacherous acts in Chinese history he opened the gates of the Great Wall to let a Manchu invasion invade, overthrow Li and establish the Qing Dynasty. He then set about eradicating the last remnants of Ming loyalists with the scheming assistance of his darling concubine who had her pretty little fingers in all this dirty work. If your head’s starting to ache I don’t blame you but Wu and Chen’s fiendish little plots didn’t end there. Finally Wu rebelled against his new masters the Qing and died during the rebellion in 1678. With his successor Wu Shifan Chen battled on against the Qing until 1781 when they were besieged and Wu committed suicide. Her schemes at an end our girl touchingly committed suicide together with... Wu’s wife!
Aspasia:ca470-ca400 BC.
Aspasia was a 5th century courtesan and mistress. Courtesans were known as heterae in ancient Greece and it seems that, along with the Chinese, the Greeks invented the idea of noble courtesans. (No surprises there! The Greeks and the Chinese invented just about everything didn’t they?) We don’t know quite how she came to Athens or by what means she became a courtesan. There is some very bad press written into the historical record about her early days in Athens. Some contemporaries of hers claimed she was a common harlot and brothel keeper although those stories may have been defamatory rumours started by her enemies. We do know however that she came to the notice of Athens’ leading statesman Pericles the Elder who was the de facto ruler of Athens and his country. She was soon his official courtesan and remained so until his death. Our girl was said to be extraordinarily beautiful (aren’t they always!) and a witty conversationalist. Nevertheless there were some dodgy characteristics about her. Athens was a vibrant democracy and nobody was above the law. Just because she was the leading citizen’s fancy piece she was not immune from prosecution and she found herself hauled up before the judges just prior to the Peloponnesian War on charges of (wait for it!) corrupting the women of Athens in order to satisfy Pericles’ perversions! Of course the charges might have been further slanders but you can’t help but wonder what the devil she’d been up to! When both Pericles’ sons by his wife died his son by Aspasia, Pericles the Younger, became a citizen and legal heir. (he was later to be executed after the Battle of Arginusae.). Pericles himself died of the plague in 429 BC. Our girl then shifted her attention onto the General Lysicles, becoming his courtesan and bearing him a son until he was killed in action the following year. After this double misfortune she more or less disappears from the history books leaving only the tantalising traces of her misdeeds behind.
Marilyn Monroe:1926-1962.
More a troubled person than truly bad, Marilyn was the naughty little girl that everybody loved. Certainly her troubled c***dhood with a disturbed mother and possible c***d abuse must have contributed to her later chaotic personal life and her substance abuse. Although she had her talents Marilyn was probably never a great actress. It didn’t really matter. She was such an adorable little sex bomb that her acting skills were barely relevant. Marilyn, whose original name was Norma Jeane Mortenson, was actually a natural brunette which, considering that she virtually single handedly defined the image of the dumb blond, might seem a little surprising. She bleached her hair honey blond when signing up for her first modelling agency in 1945. In 1953 she starred in a film called “Gentlemen Prefer Blonds.” well they certainly liked this new blond. Marilyn made a career out the dumb blond sex bomb image. She wasn’t particularly shy about using her sexuality to advance her career. In 1949, with her early film career stalling, she returned to modelling work and posed for a naked photo shoot for which she was paid the miserly sum of 50$. It was the only time she was ever paid directly for getting her clothes off in front of a camera but of course she did pose for and release nude shots of herself later in her career; notably for Life magazine and Vogue. She also launched one of the great sex empires of the 20th century; she was the cover girl for the very first issue of Playboy in 1953. Throughout the 50s and early 60s Marilyn was the iconic sex symbol of Hollywood. She went through three husbands, which was a bit lame for a Hollywood star, but her lovers are the stuff of legend; including alleged affairs with Marlon Brando and not only the President of the United States but his b*****r as well! Sadly her troubled personality caught up with her and her drinking, substance abuse and increasing erratic, unpredictable behaviour, marred her later days. She died alone at her home in Brentwood, Los Angeles, ostensibly of an overdose of barbiturates, under circumstances shrouded in enough mystery to keep conspiracy theorists happy ever since. She was just 36 years old Her tragically early death broke the world’s heart but we can all look back at the iconic images of her from the film “The Seven Year Itch.” shown here and think “Well Marilyn you’ve been a naughty girl and now you’ve got your skirt up, you just need your knickers pulling down and then you’re ready for that spanking you’ve got coming!”
Zenobia:240-c274.
This girl was a notable hellcat of the Third Century A.D. You have to say by way of bad girl ancestry this girl had impeccable credentials. She claimed descent, through Drusilla of Mauretania, from no less such notables as Queen Dido of Carthage and Queen Cleopatra of Egypt. Mischief and ambition ran in this girl’s bl**d. She married the King of Palmyra in around 258 and when he was assassinated in 267 her son became heir. Since he was only one year old at the time it meant that our girl was the effective ruler of Palmyra. The Kingdom of Palmyra was far too small for a girl of Zenobia’s ambition and, at the head of her army, she set about to expand it enormously through military conquest. She was a true warrior queen riding with her army as it carved out an empire over the next few years that would encompass the entire Eastern Mediterranean from the Dardanelles to the Nile. One thing she doesn’t seem to have in common with her ancestor Cleopatra was a taste for men as she was reputedly extremely chaste. This might not be the whole story however. It might be she had other interests. Although she was a beauty she was wont to carry herself like a man, dressing in rather masculine clothes and riding and drinking with the boys in the cavalry. It all sounds a bit butch to me so maybe the shenanigans she got up to with her ladies in waiting never made it into the historical record. Of course the trouble about carving out an Mediterranean empire in the third century is that sooner or later you’re going to run into bother with the empire that already exists: the Roman Empire. She over stepped herself in 269 when she invaded Egypt, destroyed the Roman f***es under the prefect Tenagino Probus (who lost his head as a result), conquered the whole country and declared herself Queen of Egypt. This was finally too much for the Roman Emperor, Aurelian, to swallow and in 272-3 he led a military campaign to deal with her. Zenobia was defeated near Antioch but legged it on a camel before being finally captured by Aurelian’s cavalry on the Euphrates river in 273. She was taken to Rome and paraded through the streets, in Aurelian’s march, in chains. At least they were golden chains. Well a girl’s got to look her best hasn’t she? What became of her after that is a little unclear. Some accounts say she died shortly after coming to Rome. Happier accounts state that Aurelian was so struck by her beauty that he spared her life and granted her an estate in Tibur where she lived out the rest of her days. I kind of hope so.
Marlene Dietrich:1901-1992.
Now this is a bad girl who looks the part. Let’s face it; have you ever seen a photo of this honey that doesn’t make it look as if she belongs on this list? She was born in Berlin in 1901 and, to the end of her days, would be a Berliner at heart even though she took American citizenship in 1939. She grew up into the decadent cabaret and gay bar world of 1920s Berlin and never lost that smouldering, dark, big city bad girl look of that memorable Berlin decade. She was a bad girl but not rotten because she hated the Nazis with a vengeance. In the 1930s she made her way to America to start her stellar career in Hollywood and when the Nazis tried to lure her back to Germany she wanted nothing to do with them. Instead she became an American citizen and even broadcast singing performances for the OSS (forerunner of the CIA) back to Germany. These of course included her memorable version of “Lili Marlene” the only half way decent song to come out of World War Two. And who else would you have wanted to render the song of a German prostitute but Marlene with her sultry growling voice. (some by the way have called “Lili Marlene” a love song... yeah right! So was there a single soldier anywhere in the world in World War Two who didn’t know what kind of girl stands under a streetlamp outside a barracks in the middle of the night?) Marlene, remarkably for a Hollywood star, only married once but her legion of lovers reads like a who’s who of 20th century America and Europe. It includes such notables as Gary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Lupe Velez, Erich Maria Remarque, Jean Gabin, George Bernard Shaw, Yul Brynner and, of course, John F Kennedy (he got around that guy). The list just goes on and on and that was just the boys! Marlene was unabashedly bi-sexual and even, with the Cuban-American authoress Mercedes de Acosta, shared a girlfriend with Greta Garbo! All of this while she was still married mind you. In fact she never hid any of this from her husband and even shared her love letters with him. I don’t suppose he minded that much. She was supporting him and his mistress after all. This girl never slowed down. She was still hopping in and out of bed with people well into her seventies. Since she appeared in numerous films, recorded songs, radio broadcasts and spent eons on the road performing in cabaret (including in Las Vegas with next to no clothes on) you wonder where the hell she found the time! You can’t keep a bad girl down or in her own bed seemingly. When she died in 1992 it was like somebody switched a light off in the world.
Moll Davies:1648-1708.
Since the incomparable Nell Gwynne is disqualified from inclusion in this collection through her having appeared in an earlier gallery of mine, this little darling has been asked to step up as a representative of the merry gaggle of sluts who were King Charles II’s innumerable mistresses. Her parentage is a little uncertain but the diarist Samuel Pepys (Who let me say right now was no great fan of Moll.) described her as “a bastard of Collonell Howard, my Lord Barkeshire.” Moll grew up to become a singer, actress, dancer and comedienne in “The Duke’s Theatre Company” in the 1660s (sounds all too familiar doesn’t it?) and shacked up rather dodgily with the company’s manager Sir William Davenant. She became extremely popular (no surprises there then) and it was around this time that Samuel Pepys’ wife described her famously as “the most impertinent slut in the world.” But Moll was a girl with ambitions. When she met the king either in a theatre or coffee house in 1667 Moll jumped at her chance and before long she had joined the notorious retinue of mistresses to His Majesty. Even by the exacting standards of Charle’s harem Moll was notable for her vulgarity and avarice; extracting every last penny she could squeeze out of her Royal lover and flaunting her new found wealth off in such ostentatious a manner as to shock society at the time. She bore Charles a daughter in 1669 (God knows who keeps track of this king’s regiment of illegitimate offspring) who became Lady Mary Tudor; a fascinating women in her own right. In all her success though there was one thing Moll could never be. She could never be Nell Gwynne! In fact it was the immortal Nell that finally got Moll shipped out of the palace to grass. Nell didn’t like rivals! It was lucrative grazing for Moll however as Charles set her up with a big posh house and £1000 annually as pension which was a fortune in its day. She later bought a grand house in London’s fashionable St James Square and married the French composer and musician James Paisible. One would hope that he started off married life by giving her a sound good spanking on her wedding night but, being French, he was probably used to this sort of thing!
Agrippina the Younger: 15-59 AD.
Even by the exacting standards of the womenfolk of the Julio-Claudian dynasty of the Roman empire this girl stands out as one thoroughly rotten apple. She was the daughter of Germanicus and Agrippina the Elder of whom there is no evidence of anything other than pious virtue. A more telling insight into her f****y DNA is that her b*****r was the infamous emperor Caligula and her two s****rs were hardly little angels themselves. She was married off after her 13th birthday to a particularly corrupt and thoroughly unpleasant second cousin called (take a deep breath now) Gnaeus Domitius Ahenobarbus. The two seem to have got along together splendidly. When Agrippina gave birth to a son in 37 Domitius was congratulated by his friends. In a rare moment of honesty he replied, “I don’t think anything produced by me and Agrippina could possibly be good for the state or the people.” He was right. The son later became the emperor Nero! After the death of their uncle Tiberius Caligula became emperor and Agippina and her s****rs moved into the Imperial palace with results that would outrage the moral sensibilities of every decent citizen in the empire. It was bad enough when she ran through a string of lovers but when she and her s****rs were more or less living in an open i****tuous relationship with their own b*****r eyebrows were raised to say the least! Caligula rapidly bankrupted the imperial coffers with his profligate spending on festivals and circuses and came up with some novel ways to raise more money. His most scandalous scheme involved pimping his own s****rs as very highly paid prostitutes to extremely wealthy patricians. Sadly there is nothing to suggest that they were anything less than enthusiastic participants in the scheme. The orgies in the palace became legendary. Unfortunately Agrippina became implicated with her s****r Livilla in a plot to assassinate Caligula to raise his declared heir, Marcus Aemilius Lepidus, another of their lovers, to the Imperial throne. Lepidus was executed and Agrippina and her s****r were lucky to escape with their heads. Accused of plotting, treason, several counts of adultery and, just for good measure, i****t with her own s****r, Agrippina together with Livilla were exiled to the Pontine Islands where they were f***ed to earn their keep by pearl diving. After Caligula’s death they were pardoned by the emperor Cludius and returned to Rome as unreformed as ever. She shamelessly tried to seduce Galba as the next probable emperor (he was devoted to his wife and wanted nothing to do with her) and her conduct was so bad that she was publicly slapped in the face by Galba’s mother in law. Her first husband having died Agrippina was married a second time to Gaius Sallustius Passienus Crispus who she subsequently poisoned to get her hands on his estate. Her third marriage was even more lucrative however for, in AD 49 she married the Emperor Claudius and became empress. Considering that Claudius had just got shut of his wife, the notorious Messalina, you can’t help wondering what the devil he was thinking about by promptly marrying another woman who was every bit as bad! Agrippina used her new found power to enrich herself and take revenge of her numerous enemies. She also used her influence with Claudius to manoeuvre Claudius’ descendants out of Imperial favour and to have her own son named as his sole heir. It was a bad move for Claudius and he later began to regret it openly and consider divorcing her and chucking Nero out of the line of succession. Agrippina was seriously alarmed and it is no surprise that Claudius died under extremely suspicious circumstances before he could act on his doubts. It is widely agreed that Agrippina had him poisoned. With her son Nero now on the throne it might be thought that Agrippina’s ambitions were fulfilled but it was not to be. Mother and son fell out with each other and Neros tried several times to have her assassinated. When he finally succeeded in 59, her popularity was so low that the Roman Senate, the army and several notables sent official congratulations to the emperor for murdering his own mother. This girl was just bad to the bone!
Bonnie Elizabeth Parker: 1910-1934.
This is a girl who went truly off the rails. She was born in Rowena, Texas and later moved with her mother and her siblings to Dallas. In Dallas as a young girl there was nothing to suggest the madness that would overtake her life. She was one of the best students in her high school, winning top prizes for writing, spelling and public speaking and all in all a thoroughly decent sort of girl. But Bonnie had one fatal flaw in her character; the propensity to fall hopelessly and devotedly for the very worst kind of men. She demonstrated this grave failing early when she dropped out of high school in her second year to marry a Roy Thornton a few days before her 16th birthday. Thornton was scum; an abusive petty criminal, frequently absent or in jail. Three years later the marriage broke down but they never divorced. She was still wearing his wedding ring on the day she died. The second man in her life she fell for was an even bigger mistake. She met Clyde Barrow at a friend’s house sometime in 1930 and was immediately smitten by him. Somebody should have given her a good spanking there and then and sent her back to school! Barrow was a gun obsessed, petty gangster and psychopathic killer. Bonnie became the female half of the infamous “Bonnie and Clyde” at the heart of Barrow’s gang of murderous villains, For the next few years they went on a rampage of crime that was shocking even by the standards of America in the 1920s and 30s. Space here precludes a full accounting of their misdeeds but suffice it to say that Bonnie was named as an accomplice in over 100 criminal felonies which included eight murders, several assaults, seven major bank robberies, numerous armed hold-ups, God only knows how many automobile thefts and one major jailbreak. It wasn’t always life on the run for Bonnie. She did spend some time in jail... composing poetry! I’ve generally excluded psychopaths from this collection or I’d have been stuck with everybody from Myra Hindley to Magda Goebbels. Bonnie doesn’t quite fit into that category however. There are numerous photos of her posing with a startling array of weaponry and there are around five cases when she discharged firearms during a robbery or shoot out with the law. She was either reluctant to kill or a rotten shot however because she certainly never hit anybody. She seems mostly to have been under the control of the man she was obsessed with; along for the ride like a moth around a candle flame. Perhaps if she’d stayed home in Dallas it might have all turned out differently. Bonnie and Clyde were ambushed by six policemen in Bienville Parish, Lousinana, who riddled the car they were in with gunfire. The coroner’s report listed 26 gunshot wounds in Bonnie’s broken corpse. Yep... she should have stayed in Dallas.
Empress Theodora: 500-548.
This remarkable lady is little known to the general public in the west but she is one of the actually one of the most significant figures in Christian civilisation. She is a saint to the Eastern Orthodox church but there was little saintly about Theodora’s early career. It is not certain where Theodora was born; some say Cyprus and others Syria, but it is recorded that her mother was a dancer and an actress: so warning lights already right! She grew up with her s****r working in a Constantinople brothel where it is said she entertained up to forty customers a night between performing live acts on stage. Her party piece was a rendering of “Leda and the Swan” where she would lie naked on a stage with her charms covered only by little piles of barley grains which were then pecked away by a pair of geese! You can’t accuse this girl of unoriginality! Sadly for the punters she caught religion and gave up her lifestyle to become a wool spinner around 522 AD. She hadn’t lost her ability to catch a man’s eye though and the man in particular whose fancy she took was the Emperor Justinian I of the Eastern Roman Empire. Married and now exalted to the title of Empress, Theodora became one of the most powerful and influential women in the entire history of the Roman Empire who together with her husband rebuilt Constantinople to become one of the greatest cities in the world and the bedrock of Christendom for centuries to come. Theodora was an early champion of feminism as she strove to increase the rights of women in the empire. She did close all the brothels in Constantinople but to her credit she did found a convent where the now unemployed prostitutes could support themselves. (One wonders about the level of religious devotion in that particular convent!) In one respect Theodora’s legacy has been corrupted. Under her rule women probably had a greater role in the Christian religion than they would have again for nearly one and half millennia even to the extent of becoming priestesses and presiding over the mass, Later of course the patriarchal male dominated church leadership destroyed this role and relegated women back to second class citizens in the church. It makes you think that if Theodora probably deserved a spanking or two herself she would also, were she alive today, have cause to demand quite a number of bishops and priests to raise their cassocks for a damn good spanking from her!
Maharani Jindan Kaur: 1817-1863.
To her enemies, the British in India, Jindan was known as the “Messalina of the Punjab” but, when it came to wanton debauchery, this little hellcat would have given even the legendary Roman Empress a run for her money! Described by Henry Lawrence as “A strange blend of the prostitute, the tigress and Machiavelli’s prince” she first joined the harem of the Sikh ruler Runjeet Singh as a young girl and entranced old Runjeet with her teasing and flirting. By the time she was in her teens she had been through a whole gaggle of lovers at the court in Lahore and even after being elevated to the position of one of Jundeen’s wives continued to take other lovers with, it seems, not only her husband’s tolerance but even his active encouragement. According to the British observer Carmichael Smyth the “scenes acted in the presence of the old chief himself and at his instigation would be an outrage on common decency”. In 1837 Jindan bore a son. Jundeet had no heirs to his throne and acknowledged the c***d as his own although naturally there were extremely serious doubts about the c***d’s parentage. After Jundeet died, this boy succeeded to the throne at the age of seven. Effectively his mother ruled the Punjab as Queen Regent and it was party time in the palace at Lahore! She was a shameless exhibitionist and her appetite for indulgent sexual orgies was matched only by her consumption of startling quantities of alcohol. When not drinking herself into a stupor or shagging herself silly she spent her time intriguing and plotting against her enemies and ruling her country with despotic cunning. The British in India were scared to death of her and it took two major wars to finally get shut of her. She was exiled to Nepal for some years where she continued to weave her diabolical plans before finally being shipped off and put out to grass in England where she was introduced to London society. God only knows what the genteel ladies of Victorian high society made of her! This was a girl in serious need of a damn good spanking but it would have taken a brave person to give her one! For a fictional but otherwise reasonably factual and amusing account of this gorgeous slut read George MacDonald Fraser’s “Flashman and the Mountain of Light.”
Jean Harlow: 1911-1937.
Anybody who became known as the “Blond bombshell” has to be considered a serious contender for this list and Jean was a girl who knew how to extract every last morsel of mileage out of her sex appeal. She was born Harlean Harlow Carpenter in Kansas City and moved with her mother to Hollywood in 1923. Jean started her serial marriage career early by eloping with Charles “Chuck” McGrew, the heir to a large fortune, when she was 16 and he conveniently just two months away from coming into his inheritance. The marriage was not happy and both she and her husband drank heavily. In 1928 Jean started her acting career in Hollywood. To be honest she wasn’t much of an actress at this stage of her career. It didn’t really matter. She was just so sexy nobody bother with her acting abilities. She made her breakthrough with the film “Hell’s Angels” produced by Paul Bern in 1930 and the magazine Variety commented “It doesn’t really matter what degree of talent she possesses .... nobody ever starved possessing what she’s got!” Jean became the sex bomb of the silver screen for the 1930s and managed to squeeze in two more husbands, one further engagement and a string of lovers. Her silver screen image of platinum blond floozy became her enduring trade mark and led her to grumble “My God! Must I always wear a low cut dress to be important?” Her second husband, producer Paul Bern, died under suspicious circumstances of gunshot wounds at their home in 1932 and it was rumoured that Jean had gunned him down. She kept a low profile however and a verdict of suicide was passed before she went on to an indiscreet liaison with the boxer Max Baer. By the mid 30s Jean was one of the biggest box office stars in America although critics still panned her acting. Sadly she died tragically young of renal failure in 1937. You have the feeling there was a lot more mischief left in her yet.
Marie Antoinette:1755-1793.
Marie was the Queen of France and, it has to be said, a pretty bad one. For all that however history has probably given her a bit of a bad rap. She was an Austrian, the Archduchess of Austria, which didn’t endear her to the French people who despised the Austrians. In fact her nickname among the masses was L’Autre Chienne, a pun on the word L’Autrichienne which means “the Austrian” but is corrupted in the pun to mean “the other bitch”. She married the Dauphin of France, later to become Louis XVI of France, in 1770. To begin with people were charmed by her beauty and pleasant personality. She was blond and one can’t help the feeling that she was the blond cliché because, to be truthful, she wasn’t very bright. She is usually regarded to have been superficial and trite, merrily skipping her way through her fantasy world in Versailles palace while the country was heading toward ruin and revolution around her. It is very unlikely incidentally that Marie ever did say “Let them eat cake” when referring to the starving masses crying out for bread. If she did say it however you can’t help feeling that she’d say it because she really couldn’t understand why they couldn’t eat cake. It was the sort of dumb thing she might have said. For all that many of the accusations that were laid against her were most likely fabrications. The orgies at the palace were probably fiction or at least no worse than the usual standards in a French Royal household. The suggestion that she sexually abused her son is almost certainly untrue. Then there was the story about her and the well known English lesbian, Baroness Lady Sophie Farrel, immortalised in revolutionary pamphlets under the name “Le Godmiche Royale” (The Royal Dildo) for which there is little historical evidence and hey what’s wrong with that anyway? Later in his reign Louis became depressed at the increasing unrest in the country and Marie was f***ed to take on more ruling power. It was a disaster of course. You wouldn’t have trusted Marie to run a sewing circle! Naturally it all ended in tears. The country collapsed into revolution in 1789, Louis was executed in 1792 and poor little Marie followed him to the guillotine in 1793. Her last words were an apology to the executioner for standing on his foot. (I’d have kicked him the balls!). It seems in retrospect to have been a bit harsh.
Anne Bonney: 1702-1782.
Here’s a girl with an awful lot of unanswered questions about her life. She was born in Ireland but moved with her f****y to the West Indies when she was still young. Her mother died shortly after they reached the Bahamas but her father founded a successful merchant business. He had his hands full with Anne though. She was a beauty but a temperamental redhead with a real temper. She stabbed a slave girl in the stomach when she was 13 and married a small time pirate called James Bonny probably before her 14th birthday. This caused her father to disown her. There is a story that she set fire to her father’s plantation in retaliation but the rift between them could not have been permanent because we know that he bailed her out of trouble on several occasions over the next few years. What is known is that sometime before 1718 she and James moved to Nassau on New Providence Island. New Providence was essentially a melting pot for the scum of the earth in the Bahamas at that time and a sanctuary for pirates looking for employment. Her our girl met some really bad sorts. Together with another woman called Mary Read she fell in with a pirate called John “Calico Jack” Rackham (Anne had a c***d by Rackham in Cuba who later took the name Cunningham) and together the three of them, stole the ship Revenge, rustled up a crew and set out into the Caribbean to seek their fortunes by relieving merchant ships of their treasure. They were quite successful for a while capturing a number of ships and amassing a respectable fortune in treasure. Anne and Mary fought hard along with the men in the crew in these escapades and was reputedly a dab hand with a cutlass. But their luck ran out. In 1720 a naval sloop commissioned by the Governor of Jamaica and captained by Jonathon Barnet came upon the Revenge when most of the crew were dead d***k. Although Mary and Anne fought hard they were both captured along with Racham and most of the crew and taken to Jamaica for trial. The trial was a pure formality and the whole lot of them were sentenced to hang. Anne and Mary however had their executions stayed because they were both pregnant. After this things become a little fuzzy. All the crew, including Rackham were hanged and Mary died in prison. What became of Anne though is the real mystery for there is no record of her death or execution. Later evidence came to light to suggest that she escaped the hangman’s noose after all and, probably as the result of her long suffering father’s influential intervention, she was ransomed. The story is that she eventually settled in South Carolina, married a Joseph Burleigh in 1721,went on to have 10 c***dren by him and lived to the age of eighty. She is reputedly buried in York County churchyard Virginia. She might have escaped the hangman but one hopes that her father, after springing her from jail, gave her the sound good hiding she’d had coming for a long time!
Lillie Langtry: 1853-1929.
I hardly know where to begin in recounting this little darling’s lifetime of scandalous misconduct. Lillie was her stage name (she was born Emilie Charlotte de Breton) for she was a music hall singer and actress (aren’t they all!) and she obtained her second name by marrying the wealthy Irish landowner. Edward Langtry when she was twenty. It was a pattern that Lillie was to repeat throughout her life as she showed little compunction in jumping into bed with anybody with a big enough wodge of money to his name. She took the high society of Europe and America by storm captivating men with her beauty and wit and helping herself to the contents of their estates. Lillie’s poor, long suffering husband saw precious little of her as she swooped between one lover and the next. Among her many conquests can be named two Princes, two Earls, one Baron and a gaggle of American multi-millionaires. She did have the decency to divorce her husband in 1897 shortly, before he died, leading one witty widow to console her with the words “I too have lost a husband, but, alas, it was no great loss.” She bore a daughter (Jeanne Marie) in 1879 but God only knows who the father was; the three most likely contenders being Prince Louis of Battenberg, The Earl of Mountbatten and an old paramour Arthur Clarence Jones. Lillie let the Prince believe it was his and when he confessed to his parents they had him confined to a battleship with the delicious name of HMS Inconstant! Lillie’s most famous lover however was Albert Edward (“Bertie the Bounder” to those who knew him) the Prince of Wales and later to become King Edward VII of Britain. The affair lasted for some three years from 1877 to 1890 and Lillie might have been too much of a handful even for Bertie! He once complained to her publicly “I’ve spent enough on you to build a battleship!” She retorted without blinking “And you’ve spent enough in me to float one!” Eventually she misbehaved herself at a party and Bertie got shut of her (although he did drop a large sum of cash on her by way of a parting gift.) Some girls never change. In 1899 she married a much younger man (Hugo Gerald de Bathe) who was a rich leading horse owner in racing circles and inherited a baronetcy. He never saw much of her either.
Victoria:1819-1901.
Now this one might come as a surprise on this list. This great Queen of England’s era is after all almost synonymous with moral prudery and stiff necked denial of the pleasures of the bedroom. Of course any historian worth their salt would laugh at that superficial analysis. The Victorian era was every bit as full of scandal and hanky panky as any other era in history if not more so. In any case, even if the more prudish ladies of England regarded sex as a disagreeable marital duty, little Vicky was having none of it. She spent a cloistered and lonely c***dhood and her letters as a young woman reveal a deep yearning for romance. In other words, not to put too fine a point on it, by the time she became queen at the age of eighteen in 1837, she was girl in desperate need of a damn good rogering! She knew just the man to provide it as well. She’d met her future husband Albert a year before her coronation and she’d been pining for him ever since. The couple married with all pomp and circumstance in 1840 and it was time for the queen to make up for lost time. Since so many of our images of Victoria are those of her later life as an old rather stuffy, lady, looking down her nose and declaring “we are not amused” we forget that she was pretty little thing in her youth and certainly possessed of a healthy sexual appetite. Poor Albert probably never knew what hit him! Through their marriage she was almost continuously pregnant and she popped out offspring (nine in total) with such monotonous regularity that there can be no doubt what really amused little Vicky. It certainly wasn’t the joys of motherhood. She hated being pregnant and thought babies were ugly! Eventually her physician pleaded with her not to have any more c***dren, for the sake of her health. Vicky pouted sulkily. “What? No more fun in bed?” she protested. Albert died in 1861 and we can only speculate on what really drove him to an early grave. Victoria spent the rest of her days as a widow in mourning but that isn’t the end of the story by any means. There was the little affair of her and her gamekeeper John Brown for instance. She was even reputed to have married him secretly and folks were apt to call her Mrs Brown behind her back. So yes, in celebration of a great age, our Vicky makes it into the “Bad Girls” list and anyway, who wouldn’t to spank the bottom of the regal lady who ruled a quarter of the planet?
Maureen O’Hara: 1920-?.
This is the one girl on this list who is still alive although she is very old now. Maureen earns her place on this list not because she was a particularly bad girl, Indeed, by Hollywood standards she was pretty tame. Oh there was the usual string of husbands and affairs but nothing to really make her stand out. It’s not therefore that Maureen particularly earned herself a spanking but she deserves a well honoured place on this list because she, more than anybody else in Hollywood history, publicly received one! In fact more than one! Maureen holds the record for the most spankings ever received on film in the history of movie making. She was born in Dublin and trained as an actress and singer from the age of 6 and her early film career was in the British motion picture industry(her first major film was “Jamaica Inn” directed by Alfred Hitchcock. She moved to America at the outset of World War two and began a long and glittering career in Hollywood becoming a naturalised US citizen in 1946. It was her long standing friendship and onscreen with John Wayne that really made her a household name however. She was upended over a number of leading male actors for a spanking but it was Wayne who gave her the most memorable one, depicted in the scene shown in this gallery. It comes from the film “McClintock” and it is the climax of the film when Wayne pursues her through the town in her underwear before catching her and giving her a spanking in front of the whole town. Incidentally “McClintock” made spanking history because, not only did Maureen get a spanking in it, but so did Stephanie Powers, who plays her daughter in the film, making it the only movie in Hollywood history where both leading ladies got their backsides paddled in the same film. Ah they don’t make ‘em like that anymore!
Catherine de Medici:1519-1589.
Known to posterity as the “Black Queen”, history might have given Catherine a bit of a bum rap. She married Prince Henry of France at the age of 14 in 1533. In 1547 Henry inherited the throne of France on the death of his father Francis I to become Henry II and Catherine became Queen Regent. She bore a total of nine c***dren, six of whom survived infancy and three of her sons went on to become kings within her lifetime, making her the power behind the throne of no less than four kings; a record probably only matched by the equally indomitable Eleanor of Aquitaine nearly four centuries before her. c***d bearing didn’t come easy to Catherine however. For the first ten years of her marriage she produced no offspring whatsoever. For one thing her husband wasn’t that fond of her and preferred the charms of the obligatory gaggle of mistresses that are the royal prerogative of all French monarchs; particularly two more bad girls of history; Phillipa Duci who bore him a daughter in 1537 and his adored Diane de Poitiers to whom he was devoted. Catherine went to extremes to try and lure him to bed and produce an heir and even Diane his mistress urged him to sl**p with her more often. Catherine even went as far as to drink mule’s urine and to place cow dung and stags antlers in her privates in the quaint belief that it would increase her fertility; remedies which might explain some of her husband’s less than enthusiasm for the royal nuptial bedchamber. The problem was finally solved by one of history’s first recorded sex advisors, the physician Jean Fernel, who noticed that the couple had “abnormalities” in their sex organs and simply weren’t going about it in the proper way. Once she’d got the knack Catherine started to produce c***dren with monotonous regularity. It was through her c***dren that Catherine got her hands on the reins of power in France for when her husband died in 1559 his eldest son Francis was only fifteen and when he died in 1560, the next in line was Charles and he was only 9! Catherine was as the Queen mother the de facto ruler of France and she ruled with a ruthless iron fist for most of the rest of her life until surrendering much of her power a year before her death to the third of her sons to become king, Henry. Under her rule France was often threatened by war and civil conflict and there are several unsavoury incidents for which Catherine has been blamed; most notably the St Bartholomew’s massacre in 1572 which remains the biggest blot on her copybook. It was incidents such as these that earned her the sobriquet “The Black Queen” although more sympathetic historians have absolved her from some of the blame.
Josephine Baker:1906-1975.
Here’s another girl who had trouble keeping her clothes on in public! She was born Freda Josephine McDonald of African American parentage in St Louis Missouri but her early c***dhood was unhappy. She ran away from virtually a life of slavery when she was 12 years old and lived as a homeless street c***d on the streets of St Louis scavenging for food and performing as a street corner dancer. It was this talent which brought her to attention and by the age of 15 she was working as a dancer in the St Louis Chorus vaudeville act. In the early 1920s she had moved on to New York City and became one of the highest paid Chorus girls on Broadway. It was in 1925 however that Josephine made her big breakthrough when she went to Paris opening a show at the Theatre des Champs-Elysees. She was an instant success largely due to the erotic nature of her dancing and the fact that she appeared on stage virtually naked! One of her routines, her “Dance Sauvage”, was performed wearing nothing but a short skirt made entirely of a string of artificial bananas! To add to the excitement she was often accompanied on stage in her routines by her pet cheetah which kept escaping from the stage to terrorise the musicians in the orchestra pit! Paris loved her! Josephine in her turn loved Paris and it was there that she made her name and career. She went on to become a singer as well as dancer and was cited by Shirley Bassey as one of her greatest influences. She became the first African American woman to star in a major movie production (Zouzou) but never found the same fame in her native America as in France. She went through a string of lovers of both sexes (she was bi-sexual) as well as four husbands and, although her only natural c***d was stillborn, she raised no less than 12 adopted c***dren! In spite of her naughty ways you have to admire Josephine for she was a bona fide heroine. Returning to Paris in 1937 she married a Frenchman Jean Lion and took French citizenship. When World War Two broke out Josephine became a spy for her adopted country. She was not only black but her husband was Jewish so she hated the Nazis with a vengeance. Later during the Nazi occupation of France her fame as an entertainer gave her such freedom to move about Europe and into neutral countries that she was an invaluable courier for the French resistance. She used to carry messages concealed in her underwear, which, given her past record, sounds like a damn insecure place to hide anything! She helped a lot of people escape from Nazi terror and, after the war, she was awarded the Croix de Guerre, France’s highest award for bravery for her courage on behalf of her adopted country. From the 1950s on she became active in the American Civil Rights movement (her 12 adopted c***dren were all African American orphans) and was so prominent that she was later asked to be the successor to Martin Luther King. This larger than life, incredible woman was a bad girl but she was the sort of bad girl we need as many as we can find of.
Phryne: 4th century B.C.
This gorgeous darling was originally called Mnserarete (try pronouncing that!) but because of her golden complexion was nicknamed Phryne, which actually means toad and was supposed to be complimentary and possibly tells us something about the ancient Greeks. Although born at Thespiae she came to prominence in Athens as one of the wealthiest and most celebrated hetera (courtesans) in the city. This girl was a looker, there is no doubt, and didn’t she just know it! It seems she was ready to get her kit off in public at the drop of a hat to advertise her charms. At the festival of Poseidon in Eleusis she famously stripped starkers, waded into the sea in front of a large admiring crowd and so impressed the painter Apelles that he was inspired to paint her as Aphrodite Anadyomene. Indeed Phryne posed nude for several paintings and sculptures and amassed such a fortune through her work as a courtesan that she offered to fund the rebuilding of the walls of Thebes out of her own pocket. She was a seriously bad girl but a damn popular one! The most notorious incident of her shameless exhibitionism came at the moment of her greatest crisis. She was accused and put on trial before a large body of the city’s judges for profaning Eleusian Mysteries which might not sound too heinous to us now but was very serious offence in 4th Century BC Greece. Fortunately Phryne had the perfect defence. Accounts differ about exactly what happened at her trial. Some say the defending counsel, her lover, the orator Hypereides, seeing that that trail was going badly, tore her clothes from her to reveal her naked beauty to the judges. Other accounts say it was Phryne herself that tore her clothes off, which, given her previous, sounds the more likely. Whatever the facts of the matter the act was decisive. The judges were so struck by her beauty, which they considered a divine gift from the Gods, that they acquitted her on the spot! Sensible chaps!
Lady Elizabeth Hamilton:1657-1754.
Elizabeth was born Elizabeth Villiers and philandering with monarchy rather runs in her f****y. Her cousin, Barbara Villiers, was a mistress to Charles II of England but then who wasn’t one of Charles’ mistresses? Our Lizzy here got a fast track into the royal household and ultimately the royal bed because her mother was the governess to the Princesses Mary and Anne, the daughters of James II. Elizabeth then grew up in the royal household becoming Mary’s lady in waiting. When Elizabeth was just 20 years old in 1677 her mistress, Princess Mary, was married off to William Prince of Orange. Despite it being an arranged marriage to her own cousin, Mary was devoted to her husband. Sadly, however, so was Elizabeth! Within three years of the wedding bells Elizabeth was openly the Prince’s mistress. Even after the “Glorious Revolution” of 1685 brought William and Mary to the thrones of England and Scotland as joint regnants, Elizabeth remained as lady in waiting to the Queen and official fancy piece to the king, positions she held until 1695. The Queen was very not amused! To rub salt into the wound the King granted Elizabeth possession of large tracts of the Irish estates that had once belonged to Mary’s father, the deposed James II. To compound the scandal around her name a John Law and Edward “Beau” Wilson fought a duel for her affections in 1684 which ended in Wilson’s death and to Law legging it to the continent to evade the murder rap. The Queen died in 1685 and one of her dying wishes was that William rid himself of his bit of fluff on the side. The King, in mourning for his wife, complied and Elizabeth was shipped out and married off to Lord George Hamilton, later to become the Earl of Orkney. It may well be that the Earl’s first actions on becoming a married man was to take his new bride into the privacy of the nuptial bedchamber and give her the thrashing of her wayward life. Whatever happened it seems as if her marriage was the best thing that ever happened to Elizabeth for the marriage was a happy one and she produced three daughters to the Earl, managed his estates admirably well and regained her reputation and position in society.
Mary Elizabeth Thompson: 1855-1953.
Libby Thompson was another of those grand old characters from America’s wild west. She was born Mary Elizabeth Haley but her c***dhood was most unhappy. Her f****y lost their fortune in the Civil War and then, to compound the misery, their Texas farm was raided by Comanche Indians in 1864. Libby was k**napped by the Indians and remained in their captivity until 1867 when her father paid a ransom for her release. She was widely suspected of being sexually abused by the Indians which, by the perverse morality of the age, made it unlikely for her to find a respectable husband. It didn’t help that her only boyfriend, a much older man, was shot dead by her father for daring to touch his 14 year old daughter. Fed up at last Libby ran away from home and landed up in Abilene, Kansas where she began her long career as dance hall girl and prostitute. She fell in with a Billy Thompson, b*****r to the notorious Ben and they plied the trail for the next couple of years with Billy working as a cowboy and gambler and Libby supplementing their income with prostitution. In 1873, while on a spring cattle drive, Libby gave birth to their first c***d out on the open prairie. As a result the couple moved to Ellsworth, Kansas to get married and settle down. Sadly their venture into respectable married life was short lived after Billy got d***k one day, shot the sheriff dead and they had to leg it out of town in a hurry. They had a sojourn in Dodge City where they came to know such luminaries as Wyatt Earp but eventually wound up in Sweetwater Texas where Libby opened her own brothel. Due to a gap in her teeth and a fondness for keeping prairie dogs as pets she became known as “Squirrel Tooth Alice” and ran her brothel successfully after the death of her husband until her retirement at the age of 66. Most of her offspring turned out to be bad ‘uns with her sons turning to crime and her daughters following their mother into the prostitution business but Libby died peacefully in a Los Angeles rest home at the age of 98.
Madame du Barry: 1743-1793.
Among the very long list of notable French courtesans this lady stands out as the last of the great mistresses of the French Royal House. She was born Jeanne Becu, the illegitimate daughter of a beautiful seamstress in Vaucouleurs in the Lorraine. Her father is thought to have been a local friar and Jeanne not only inherited her mother’s beauty but also her less than impeccable morals. She and her mother moved to Paris when she was very young and were taken in by a Monsieur Billard-Dumonceaux who had an affair with her mother much to his other mistress’s displeasure. Jeanne was educated in a convent until she and her mother were thrown out onto the street as a result of Dumonceaux’s continuing dalliance with her mother. Jeanne worked selling trinkets and as an occasional prostitute and later as a milliner to support them for some years before coming to the attention of Jean-Baptiste du Barry, a sort of high class pimp and procurer of courtesans for the rich and noble, while she was entertaining in the brothel casino of Madame Quisnoy. Under du Barry Jeanne’s career really took off and she quickly became one of the most celebrated prostitutes and courtesans in all Paris with a string of high class aristocratic clients, including the Marechal de Richelieu, to her credit. Du Barry however had greater ambitions for his young protégé following her exposure to King Louis XV at Versailles. Since she could not become a royal mistress with such a humble background du Barry had her married for pure convenience to his b*****r the Comte du Barry with forged documents giving her a more noble background. Now with a suitably grand title Jeanne was able to move into the King’s quarters and begin life as an official mistress of His Majesty. Jeanne found she liked life as a pampered mistress very much and her profligacy and extravagance were remarkable even by the standards of 18th century French aristocracy. She was perpetually in debt in spite of the fortunes lavished on her by the doting king. This lavish lifestyle made her deeply unpopular among the impoverished lower classes, a fact which came back to haunt her after the king’s death in 1774 and the following revolution in 1789. She was led to the guillotine on the Place de la Revolution in 1793. Her famous last words were “encore un moment”. Chopping the glorious little slut’s head off was probably going a bit far. A good sound thrashing would have probably sufficed!
Lola Montez: 1821-1861.
Lola Montez was the stage name of the Irish born dancer and actress Eliza Rosanna Gilbert, later to be Countess of Landsfeld. Even as a young girl both in a sojourn in India and back in Britain there was a discernible wild streak to this lady and her teacher described the “v******e and obstinacy of her temper”. Her education was not a great success therefore and she eloped at age sixteen with a Lieutenant Thomas James. Married life in India didn’t suit Lola however and five years later she separated from her husband in Calcutta and returned to England to make her debut in London as the “Spanish Dancer” Lola Montez. With her dark Mediterranean beauty and fiery temperament Lola carried off the subterfuge successfully for a while before being recognised as Eliza James and publicly exposed as a fraud. With her reputation in tatters Lola left England to try her luck on the continent. In Paris she was more a courtesan than a dancer and known for her beauty and her temper. She counted such notables as Franz Liszt, Alexandre Dumas and the newspaper tycoon Alexandre Dujarier amongst her affairs in Paris and assorted European capitals where she performed. It was in Munich where she hit the jackpot however by catching the eye of King Ludwig I of Bavaria. And Lola was a girl who knew how to catch a man’s eye! When the king asked her in public if her bosom was real Lola’s response was to tear her dress open to prove it! She became the king’s mistress who, in spite of her unpopularity with the Bavarian public elevated her to the title of Countess of Landsfeld. She was somewhat of a power behind the throne but in 1848 revolution struck Bavaria, the King was f***ed to abdicate and Lola was on her bike again! Back in England she married a George Heald without bothering with the formalities of first obtaining a divorce from her first husband and then had to flee the country to avoid a bigamy action. She spent the rest of her misspent life touring the United States and Australia going through yet another husband, heaven knows how many lovers and scandalising and thrilling audiences with her exotic dance routines. She died of pneumonia a month short of her fortieth birthday and doubtless in need of good spanking until her dying breath.
Josie Arlington: 1864-1914.
Josie was a New Orleans girl born to German emigrant parents who started work as a prostitute at the age of s*******n to support her f****y. She was a successful prostitute however and by the age of twenty one she had saved enough of her earnings to open up her own bawdy house on Customhouse Street in 1895. It was only the beginning for this ambitious, hard working girl though. When the red light Storyville district became established in 1897 Josie was one of the first to move in taking over a four story mansion on North Basin Street and spending 5.000 dollars on its renovation. She rather grandly named her new establishment the Chateau Lobrano d’Arlington and it became locally famous as simply the Arlington. It was an expensive brothel known for the opulence of its decor and charging its customers five dollars a time for one of the ten to a dozen girls always on offer or the chance to view one of its live “circus” sex shows for an extra fee. Little wonder it became notorious in the city under Josie’s sound management. Josie was a whore with a social conscience however and primly asserted that no virgin was ever defiled under her roof. This led to one of Josie’s legacies after her death for her tomb in the Maiterie Cemetery (see insert) is possibly one of the most famous monuments to a prostitute in all America. It is a sculpture of a young virgin knocking on the door of the Arlington and not being allowed entrance to maintain her purity. The monument is these days somewhat of a tourist attraction in New Orleans.
Clara Ward:1872-1912.
Despite their republican leanings, Americans have always had a bit of a thing about princesses, so when one of their own, the beautiful Detroit socialite Clara Ward, was raised to the exalted title of Princesse de Caraman-Chimay by marrying a Belgian prince in 1890 America was delighted. They were soon to learn however that Clara was no Cinderella let alone a Snow White! She spent most of her time in Paris putting on airs and graces among the high society of the city. Clara was more taken with her title than her husband however who was twice her age. She did produce two c***dren for him before finally tiring of him and eloping scandalously with a Gypsy folk musician in 1896. That marriage didn’t last long either and Clara went through another two husbands in short order. She earned her living as an ex princess by capitalising on her notoriety and appearing on stage in such establishments as Paris’ Moulin Rouge and Folies Bergere, usually in skin tight costumes leaving little of her charms to the imagination. Clara pompously declared her posing on stage to be an art form she called her “Poses plastiques”. Yeah, right Clara! Among the many notables who would have queued up to administer Clara’s long overdue spanking was Kaiser Wilhelm II who issued a decree forbidding the publication and display of salacious postcards featuring her throughout the German Empire.
Josephine Earp: 1861-1944.
Josephine Earp spent most of her life under the name of Sadie and was better known among her contemporaries as “Shady Sadie.”! Like her name Sadie changed the story of her life several times and was never exactly renowned for her embracement of the virtues of veracity! She was born Josephine Marcuse in Brooklyn New York but her f****y moved to San Francisco when she was just eleven. In the aftermath of the earthquake of 1868 San Francisco was a boom town and the f****y prospered. It was not to young Josephine’s liking however especially the strict discipline of her schooling whose teachers were apt, in her own words, to subject her to “being slapped for tardiness” and “the sting of rattan” for more serious offences. It sounds in fact as if she was already displaying the qualities that qualify her for inclusion in this list at a very early age! Josephine took exception to the correction of her wanton ways and ran away to Arizona when she was possibly only 13 or 14 years old, although she claimed later that she was 18. In the town of Tombstone Josephine became Sadie Mansfield, a saloon girl, dancer and prostitute and began dissolute life and had liaisons with the town sheriff Johnny Behan and frontiersman Al Sieber among others as well as being charged with petty larceny for stealing silver spoons. She also became a successful actress and dancer in the music halls of Arizona. The most pivotal meeting in Sadie’s life however was with the lawman and gambler Wyatt Earp. In fact the embarrassment of Johnny Behan over losing his mistress to Earp may have been one of the factors leading to the infamous gunfight at the OK Corral. Sadie became Earp’s common law wife for the next 48 years until his death in 1929. Sadie lived on for another 15 years telling ever more elaborately fictional stories of her misadventures until her death in 1944.
Martha Jane Canary: 1852-1902.
Martha Jane is better known to posterity by her nickname “Calamity Jane” although how she came by the sobriquet is difficult to decide among the various conflicting stories. Like many of the colourful characters of the wild west of America it is difficult to separate fact from fiction and Jane herself never met a story she didn’t think couldn’t be improved with a bit of creative imagination. She was born in Princeton Missouri, the eldest of six c***dren, but in 1865 the f****y loaded up the wagons and headed west. After her father died in 1867, somewhere around Salt Lake City, Jane took over as head of the f****y and moved the f****y westward once more eventually landing up in Piedmont Wyoming where she supported her f****y by working as a dishwasher, cook, waitress, nurse, ox team driver and dance hall girl. She also started her on and off career as a prostitute in the nearby Three Mile Hog Ranch at Fort Laramie. Jane had arrived and the west would never be quite the same again! She gained renown (her own at least) as a scout and Indian fighter and otherwise spent her leisure time raising hell in saloons and dancehalls with her drinking, gambling and whoring. There was a softer side to this little firebrand though for she could be incredibly generous and caring toward the needy. Her most famous relationship was with the frontiersman and gambler Wild Bill Hickok after Jane settled into the area around Deadwood, South Dakota. Jane was infatuated with Hickok and claimed dubiously to have married him and that he was the father of her c***d Jean. After Hickok was shot dead in the Number Ten Saloon in Deadwood Jane is reported to have gone looking for his killer with a meat cleaver having negligently left her guns at home! This was a girl in serious need of a good spanking though you would have been well advised to make sure she had no weapons about her person before giving her one!
Veronica Franco:1546-1591.
Just because you’re a tart doesn’t mean that you’re lacking in brains and there were no fleas on this 16th century lovely. Veronica turned to the profession of courtesan after the failure of her marriage and soon, through her beauty and intellect, rose to become one of the most feted courtesans in renaissance Venice and had liaisons with half the wealthy nobility of the city. Her most notable client was King Henry III of France with whom she shared a steamy affair. She belonged to the cortigiana onesta class of intellectual high class courtesans in the city and, believing in the value of advertising, was painted by several of the great Venetian artists of her time, including Veronese and Tintoretto, often, as is evidenced by the portrait shown here, without much in the way of clothing on. Her other legacy to the arts was through her own writing, publishing volumes of her poetry in 1575 and 1580 as well as many other smaller pieces and sonnets. She was a member of the highest literary society in the city and never forgot her spiritual s****rs, founding a charity for courtesans fallen on hard times. Ultimately it was her connection with her wealthy well connected patrons that saved her bacon however for, in 1577, she was obliged to defend herself against a charge of witchcraft by the Inquistion: a common charge levelled against courtesans. With the help of her connections she had the charges against her dropped and carried on to illuminate Venetian society with her stunning looks and sparkling intellect until her death in 1591.
Anne Desclos: 1907-1998.
It’s always the quiet ones isn’t it! Few people talking to the rather demure Anne would have suspected the smouldering sexuality lurking beneath the surface of this prim and intellectual French journalist and author. In fact Anne was secretly a sexual bombshell with what we can only surmise as interesting tastes and a string of lovers of both sexes to her name. It was a casual conversation with one of these lovers that started all the trouble and was the cause of Anne’s greatest notoriety. Her lover and employer, Jean Paulhan sweepingly remarked that no women could ever write an erotic novel. Anne begged to disagree and to prove the point went right ahead and did so. What a novel it was too! “L’Histoire d’O” published under her Nom de Plume of Pauline Reage in 1954 stirred an instant storm of controversy, was a huge literary success despite numerous attempts to ban it and became one of the classic erotic novels of all time. The French authorities brought obscenity charges against the publisher and the mysterious author responsible for the outrageous novel. Somewhat alarmed by the reaction to the book Anne kept her authorship of it secret and did not finally admit to having written it until 1994, forty years after its publication. “The Story of O” with its BDSM and bi-sexual themes still cause controversy to this day and, judging by its content, Anne was not only a girl who deserved a good spanking she was also one that rather WANTED one!


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