Dirty Jokes

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!

Q: Why couldn't they get the dead mans casket lid shut?
A: Because he overdosed on viagra!

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!

Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
A: Tug-of-whore.

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his s****r in the jaw.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a d**g dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
A: "Is it in?"

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: Why don't black people go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!

Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Mever bin laid on

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

Q: What is the difference between an i*****l immigrant and E.T.?
A: E.T. eventually went home!

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having c***dren. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating c***dren.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: Because he was looking for Pooh

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something

If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
Three feet of my cock up your ass.

Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six b*****rs?
A: A virgin.

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies

Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 down the street.

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a s****r."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Q: Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q:Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A:The grass tickles their balls

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
A: Hairballs.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a bent dick?

Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the a****l on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A: ........... a shit (think about it)

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..

Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.

Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.

Q: What is a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: How many Emo k**s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.

Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"

Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.

Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.

Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.

Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can't stand up for themselves

Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...

Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.

Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.

Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.

Q: What is a crack head's favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!

Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!

Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn't have any arms.

Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men?
A: Because as k**s white men had toys to play with!

Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony?
A: When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your f****y tree. A gynecologist looks up your f****y bush.

Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
A: She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."

Q: What’s black, white, and red all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly?
A: So they don’t poke her eye out.

Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it, we’re closed.

Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine

Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!

Q: What do you get if you cross a gay midget with a vampire?
A: Cocksucker!

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives
A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking.

Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the k**s!

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A: Love doesn’t last forever.

Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair!

Q: Whats black and eats pussy?
A: Cervical cancer!

Q: Who was the best Jewish cook?
A: Hitler!

Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas?
A: He can't find the zipper!

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's pussy?
A: The other guys waiting their turn!

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.

Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!

Q: If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work?

Q: When is an Elf not an Elf?
A: When she's sucking your cock, then she's a goblin.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their last big hit was "The Wall"

Q: What is white at the top and black at the bottom?
A: Society!

Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra?
A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A: Vomit

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer?
A: A fuckin know-it-all!

Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?
A: "You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum."

Q: What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator?
A: Two flies in a bottle.

Q: What's the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.

Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents that you are gay.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of their dogs!

Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the bl**d on her son’s dick!

Q: What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits?
A: Puppets.

Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
A: He could read lips!

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.

Q: Why do African Americans only have nightmares?
A: Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream!

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,

Q: What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A: A Fire Cracker!

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

Q: Whats the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sl**p with a light on!

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: What's sicker than having sex with a pregnant woman?
A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.

Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A: A liar.

Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.

Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."

Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics
A: Not being a retard.

Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?
A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.

Q: What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
A: Gang ****.

Q: What do you call a school bus full of white people?
A: Twinkie.

Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.

Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nusing home.

Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something

Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.

Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest c***dren?
A: Ask your mother!

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking goodyear

Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat!

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Q: Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off?
A: Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!

Q: Why is sperm white and piss yellow?
A: So you know if you're cumming or going

Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling?
A: Shoot him in the face!

Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

Q: Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster?
A: She was s**ttered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced.

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat bl**d banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN!

If you f***e sex on a prostitute, is it **** or shoplifting? you choose.

Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
A: I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed.

Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name?
A: Papa Boner

Roses are red that much is true
but violets are purple not fucking blue.

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Categories: Sex Humor
Posted by xhamster69bbc
2 years ago    Views: 441
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