I awake screaming, sitting up in my bed. My sheets are wet with sweat and a tangled mess. My shoulders are aching, as is my back. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and stand.Suddenly the pain shoots through my feet like razors and I fall to my knees crying. My feet are so bruised from the caning I cannot stand. I curl up in a ball on the floor and begin to cry louder and louder. I cry as the emotions rush out of me, the shame of having been scared and running away. I am humiliated at my failure, both to you and to David. I am ashamed of my weakness as a slave. I am ashamed at having let you down. I cry even harder now, thinking that perhaps you will consider me not worthy of training. David might likely release me out of disappointment. I cry until I have no more energy to cry. I consider what my next move will be, what yours will be. I crawl to the bathroom and bathe, taking special care of my wounded feet. I pray that you will give me another chance. I don't want to be afraid again, I want to go where you take me. When my grooming is done, I crawl back to the barred gate. I kneel on my cushion as I have every day since my arrival. I wait for you to take me to breakfast.
She: There is nothing but silence in the hallways outside my gate. Perhaps you have dismissed me. Perhaps you have simply left me here. I begin to cry again softly, holding the bars. Tears run down between my breasts and then drip on the leather cushion on which I kneel. I strain to hear even the slightest sound in the house, praying for you to come. I am desperate for human touch. I would beg you to come for me, if you could hear me. Suddenly I hear the familiar sounds of your boots on the tiles, coming toward my room. I lower my eyes to the floor, resisting the strong desire to look up at you. I feel your strong hand move through the bars and under my chin. You move my face to look up at you. You wipe my tears away. You caress my wet cheek. I would die for you to take me in your arms right now. You can easily read my emotions by looking in my eyes.
You unlock the gate and step into my room. I look up at you with wet red eyes, and speak softly, "I cannot walk Sir.."
You reach down and pick me up in your arms and carry me over to the bed. You sit on the edge with me in your lap. You begin to speak quietly, "I know Alexus, but you caused this dilemma. Until your feet heal, you will crawl from place to place. This will remind you of what you did wrong. There will be very little change in the training sessions, except that you will crawl instead of walk." I nod and bury my face in your shirt. I am crying again, and speak hoarsely, "May I speak Sir?"
"Yes you may Alexus," you say. I press closer to you and cry out, "I'm sorry.... I don't know why I ran, I was so very afraid, I'm still afraid...I want to be here, I want you to help me... I want to show you that I can obey....I'm sooooo sorrryy!!!! Please forgive me???" I am sniffling, getting your shirt wet, clinging to it tightly. You stroke my hair and sit quietly for a few minutes letting me cry it all out. Then you pull me up to a sitting position. You hand me a handkerchief and say: "Alexus, I want you to listen to me now, and do not interrupt..."
He: "I understand your feelings, but that does not mean you haven't disappointed me. I counted on your intelligence. Mind you, it was never expected you would not try to escape. But this was stupid. You could have figured out yourself that letting you alone in the garden and leaving the gate open was nothing but a test. And I must confess that when I set it up I almost thought it was too c***dish, that you would figure it out in time. But you didn't. And that is what disappoints me most. The other thing you need to know is this. I hate having to punish you. This is just as painful to me as it is to you in some ways. But that doesn't mean I won't do it, since it is needed. I want to respect you as equal to me. Do you understand that?" Tears are flowing again. You nod.
"OK, then show me, and go through the next days of humiliation with grace. On your knees."
You slide off the bed to your knees. "Hands behind your back where they belong. Now follow me."
Crawling this way is difficult and trying to do it gracefully is almost impossible. By the time you reach the breakfast table you are already gasping for breath. I let you sit on your knees next to my chair and place a shallow bowl on the floor in front of you. It is empty, but that soon changes. An egg, some toast, coffee and juice is put into it. All together, making one big mess.
"Since you have followed your instincts instead of your brain, behaving like an a****l instead of a human being, you will eat like an a****l for the duration of your punishment. Now eat, and make sure the bowl is completely clean by the time you're finished." This is terrible. You stare at the bowl. Pieces of egg and toast are floating in coffee and juice. You gag. Slowly you bend forward. There is no way you can accomplish this without making all sorts of funny noises, making it even more humiliating than it already is.
"Are you enjoying your breakfast, Alexus?"
"No Sir." Tears are rolling down your cheeks once again.
"Good. Then remember that lunch and dinner will be served in exactly the same way."
When you have finally finished this - it seems like it takes hours to empty the bowl - you are taken out to the sandy open air training area. You are made to sit on your knees against a big whipping pole in the middle, your belly and breasts against it. I wrap your arms around it and tie them up in such a way that it looks - and feels - like you are hugging the pole, making love to it the way you would have done when you were sixteen or so. Your hair is put in two pigtails and thin rope is tied to it, wrapped around the pole and tied at the back of it. Now you even have to press your lips against it, like you are kissing it.
"I hope you like your new lover, Alexus, because I am planning to find out how well you can handle a cat whip. I want to enjoy my morning coffee first, so I'll let you wait for a while."
With these words I leave you, humiliated and terrified. You desperately try to get your head in another position, but the bondage is clever and you can not escape it. After a few painful but useless attempts you give up. There is nothing else you can do but wait for what is to come. Already you can feel the leather working your back and shoulders and god knows what else. The ropes around your wrists are anything but politically correct. It's a blessing the steel cuffs take some of the pressure away, but the rough rope that has been used still cuts deep into your flesh, making every move extra painful. The sand is chafing your knees and there is the constant painful pulsation in your swollen, tortured feet.
You hear my footsteps in the sand. At the same time the cat hits you for the first time, along your spine, the tips landing in between your shoulder blades. It is a thick, sturdy whip and although you can not see it, it feels like a very long one. This first blow pushes the air out of your lungs. Instinctively you move, but you immediately find out that is not a good idea. You hurt your wrists and pull your hair hard. The situation is very clear. You must sit completely still while being whipped. Meaning that you can not move with the flow and that you will be distracted and hence unable to even get close to subspace.
"One Sir," you whisper.
"I can't hear you."
"One Sir," you try again, louder this time.
The second blow falls. "Two Sir."
Again this is not like anything you are used to. The sand, the position, having to keep still, the kneeling, everything is strange. By the time you have counted fifty your back is glowing and pulsating. Now the blows come harder. You start to moan as another set of fifty follows. At the end you are crying, breathing heavily. I drop the whip and untie you.
"Come with me." I grab your hair and lead you to a free area.
"Hands behind your head and keep your hair up." I walk around you. Now you can see me. The huge whip in my right hand, dragging it behind me as I circle you again, then stand in front of you.
"Keep still and keep counting." The whip is swinging and hits one of your breasts.
"One hundred and one Sir," you yelp and writhe with pain. I start to circle you again slowly, constantly swinging the whip, hitting you everywhere until your entire torso is fiercely red, front and back, and you have counted to two hundred. You are shivering all over, shaking your head, your eyes are rolling and there is foam on your lips. Never before have you been whipped like this.
I lift you up and take you back inside, put you in the bath and carefully, gently wash you down. Then your body is dried and rubbed with a strange oil, that takes most of the pain away and brings it back to a warm, very intense glow. Again I lift you and take you to the living room. Gently I lay you on the huge couch. The cool leather is comforting. I sit on one end, cross my legs Lotus style and lay your head on my legs. Then my fingers gently start to massage your face. You look up at me. I smile. "You are doing very well, Alexus," I say. "Now you may relax. Just close your eyes and enjoy. I can assure you the next 48 hours there will be no pain. Instead there will be a lot of other things."
The effect of my fingers and the strain you have been put through soon makes you doze off. My fingers never stop as you sl**p for well over an hour. I just watch you, play with your hair a bit, trace your face with my finger but always keep up the gentle soft little pushes on your face and neck. When you open your eyes again you are shocked and ashamed about having falling asl**p. You blush and I can read the uncertainty in your eyes as push your hair out of your face...
I smile. "Don't feel embarrassed. I wanted you to relax. Well you did, and it has been quite enjoyable just watching you." I let you sit on your knees in front of the couch and leave you, but only for a few minutes. When I come back I bring a lot of different ropes. Black ropes, very soft.
"Put your hands behind your head Alexus."
The next hour brings something that wipes you off your feet completely. With great precision, care and patience all sorts of ropes are wrapped around your body. The first one is circled around your torso, right below your breasts. It feels firm but not really tight. The rope supports your breast but doesn't limit your ability to breathe other then that you can feel it being there. The gentleness, care and precision feel very erotic.
The same happens just above your breasts and then the two are interconnected in between and on each side of your breasts, using short, thinner ropes. Your breasts are pushed out and deformed slightly, but not much. They seem bigger now and suddenly are also very sensitive. A third rope ends up just under your armpits and a forth one is wrapped around your waist several times. Then your hands are laid on your back and your hands are being tied together, palms touching. First your wrists are tied, next - using thinner ropes again - all fingers are tied to each other as well. A new rope is connected to the one around your waist and led in between your legs, labia and bottom cheeks and tied to the waist rope again. You notice extra care is put into the positioning of the different knots as yet another rope is wrapped around your upper thigh, right below your bottom cheek and also connected to the waist rope. The same happens on the other side.
You have already understood this is Japanese bondage. Feeling it for the first time is very intense; even though none of the rope seems to be tight you feel very much restrained. Thin ropes are used again to fixate your head. One lock on the center back of your head is tied to the rope under your armpits, making it impossible to bow your head. Two other locks on the sides soon make it impossible to move your head sideways and two final ones are used to fixate your head complete. You now have to keep it up and in one position at all times, virtually unable to move it except maybe for a little bit. When it is finally finished I carefully check all ropes for even tension, make one or two adjustments and then let you sit next to me on the couch.
"You are very lucky this was planned already and you won't have to crawl around much. In fact eventually you won't be able at all anymore. This as you probably know is Japanese bondage and what you are experiencing now is the first layer. Eventually the idea is to increase this slowly and see what the effects will be on you."
I place a high barstool in the middle of the room, lift you and make you sit on it. Then I leave the room, leaving you behind. This soon starts to bring about a few emotions you have never felt before. First there is your helplessness. Even though you have not been tied to the stool, there is no way you can get off. At least not without falling and probably seriously hurting yourself on the tiles. You understand very well that the condition of your feet would ensure you fall immediately if you try to slip off. Then there is the inability to move your head, which soon starts to work up an intense psychological effect. It feels like an intrusion of your privacy, being f***ed to remain staring out of the window. And then there is the total effect of all this. Even the slightest movement - like breathing - produces a minor effect on the ropes. They seem to massage you in a very erotic way.
The psychological effects of this - being f***ed to make yourself aroused with simple, everyday things like breathing and the inability to change that is huge. And ... this goes on for many hours. Even worse, after a while you start to hear sounds coming from the kitchen behind your back. Someone is cooking there and setting the table. This someone can see you, but you can not see her - the footsteps tell you it must be a woman - even though you are not blindfolded. That is both frustrating and scary. You are exposed to someone without knowing who it is. And you are totally ignored. Whoever it is just concentrating on her tasks and does not even come near to you. By the time I come back you're lightly sweating and breathing quite intensely.
I kiss your head and for the first time my finger slips in between your legs, checking on your wetness. It is obvious you are wet. Very wet. And .... there is something else. I look into your eyes.
"Is there something you want to ask?"
"Yes ... yes Sir," you stammer, blushing with embarrassment. "I ... I have to use the ... bathroom Sir." This is terrible.
"Alright." I say it in a very casual tone, as if this is totally normal and no big thing. I lift you and put you on your knees. "Come with me."
Embarrassed you crawl with me to the nearest bathroom. You wish you could prevent this, but the signals your bladder is giving you can not be ignored. I undo the rope between your legs, lift you and put you on the toilet and lean against the door.
"Go ahead." You have never been this red before. You want to turn your head away and hide your face but you can't. The bondage f***es you to look it me. Your eyes are one huge plea for privacy, but I ignore you completely.
"Go ahead Alexus. Or is the urge suddenly gone?" You start to cry the moment you empty yourself and you keep crying while I clean you, put the rope back in place and flush the toilet. I put you back on your knees and sit on my heels in front of you, hold your head and look you deep into your tear filled eyes.
"You'll learn to give up everything Alexus, everything. Every last bit of privacy, every last bit of emotion. You thought you were a slave. And yes you are. But you still have a long way to go. You will learn you own nothing, absolutely nothing. Not even the least bit of privacy. You do not own anything, you are being owned. Up to the last cell in your body and including every corner of your mind, no matter how hidden and private. You will only be able to free your own true emotions if you lose everything. You have been sent here by David to teach you just that and to help you get to that point. He wants your full and total submission. Do you understand that?"
"Yes Sir ... I think I do," you whisper. I wrap my arms around you and hold you like this for a while. Then I take you back to the living room. Dinner time.
Dinner is even worse then breakfast. Served in the bowl again and the ropes make eating more difficult. You are relieved when it is finally over and you are kneeling again on the cushion. I help you drink coffee and then carefully check the ropes. Several of them are adjusted - tightened a bit. To your own surprise you want that. You need the tightness, the support. Somehow the ropes seem to hold your body together. Ropes are being added. First your elbows are being tied against each other. That increases the strain considerably, especially on your shoulders and breasts, that now feel like huge balloons pushing forward. Several ropes are being used to tie your arms to the ropes around your body, thus fixating your arms completely and also further limiting your ability to move freely. You can no longer move your shoulders and if you want to turn your head now you need to move your entire torso. Next your ankles are crossed and tied securely this way, meaning that you can no longer close your legs, forcing you to keep yourself exposed at all times and further limiting your freedom again. Moving around now will be even more difficult then it already was and when a rope connects your ankles to your wrists you are f***ed to stay on your knees.
"Open your mouth Alexus." A final rope is wrapped around your head forcing you to keep your mouth open. You can no longer eat or drink and talking is not made entirely impossible but now sounds very funny.
My hands grab your shoulders.
"For the next twenty four hours you will not eat or drink. You may speak to me if you like, but I don't think you feel like talking much. Turn around." Moving is very difficult and you manage to turn around only with great difficulty. I pull you in between my legs and let you rest your back against me. My hands start to play with your breasts. Caressing them for a long ... long time. Your arousal is increasing and increasing and you start to "fly" by the time I lift you and carry you to my own bedroom and lay you in my bed.
"You will sl**p with me tonight Alexus, because I want to be able to keep an eye on you at all times now." Lying on your back, exposed and helpless you wait as I take a quick shower and then slip in next to you. I pull you close against me, your head on my arm and let you relax. Your mind wanders off as I switch off the lights and kiss you.
"sl**p well. You will need everything you have got tomorrow."
She: Lying in the dark, next to you...my captor, my tormentor... the man who has taken care of my every need for the last few days... I watch you and wonder at you. You seem to sl**p peacefully in spite of the fact that you have a bound and naked slave in your bed. I am awash with emotions, conflicting and frightening emotions. I find myself coming to rely on you and this concerns me greatly. The daily training, the rituals and the routine of it all help me to keep my sanity. I find focus and it helps me bear the things I might not otherwise be able to stand. I am torn between my feelings of hatred for the horrible things you have put me through and the feelings of need I have for you. I am afraid of you and the pain you bring, but I am also craving every bit of contact I have with you. Perhaps this is what was meant by training.
I let my mind recount the days events, since my return to you. You told me that you understood why I ran, but that was no excuse for disobedience. I know in my heart it was wrong, for you and wrong for David. I want to be stronger, to obey with out question. Each time you touch me, I find myself strangely wanting more. I am filled with a need I cannot even explain now. You are my protector, my lifeline and the feelings of safety you create are more than I am used to. You are also my darkest fears though, and my brain simply cannot make that connection. Each day I find myself going deeper and deeper into this lifestyle, letting go more and more of the Alexus I once was. I consider the woman I was the day I arrived and though it has only been a few days, I am convinced that woman is lost to us forever. I have looked at myself in the mirror each day- and each day, I see a new face. Who is she, the red head looking back at me now? A slave? Most certainly, one who gives herself completely to her Master. One who surrenders her most private thoughts and deeds. I wonder, could another see this change in me by simply looking? Will David recognize it? Is this what he sought?
I remember the whipping. It was if was falling down a very deep well. I hung on the edge of the wall for quite some time and then you pushed me. With each stroke, I fell further. The pain filled my brain, and each of my senses until I was sure I could even smell it. There was no other part of my body that existed except for the place where the whip came down. Did you know this? Could you see that I was lost to you? Is that when you brought me back again? How could you know?
I was thinking about the humiliation of eating from a bowl at your feet. The Alexus who arrived here only a few days ago would have refused to eat. I eat now, because you wish for me to do so and because it is necessary for me to survive. I am embarrassed, but only because I realize I caused this punishment. I eat from the bowl because I am a slave, because I wish to be a slave. My mind goes over the things you said to me, about disappointment.
The caning, the whipping, all of that can not even come close to the feelings I had when you told me that you were disappointed and hurt. Why should I care whether or not I hurt you? I wanted to scream that I was glad I hurt you, but in truth I only wanted to move closer to you, to feel your warmth and to know that you hadn't given up on me. I have come to rely on you for my very existence in these few days. Being here, I have no other reason for waking up each day, other than to please you, and in pleasing you, to please David.
And then there is David.... what about him? I can only imagine his face if he were to learn of my shameful disobedience. I have never run from him. I would die before I let him down. I am here for him, all of this for him.
My mind races on and on... I twist a little in the ropes that bind me. I am uncomfortable, but not in immediate pain. My body is acclimating to the ropes, to being bound so tightly. I have had to relearn everything today, how to move, to speak, even how to breathe. Nothing is the same for me now. My body feels as if it were an attachment to my brain, not quite connected. At first the panic set in, and my claustrophobia almost over took me. Because there was no way out, I simply had to calm myself. To slow my breathing and allow my body to relax in the ropes. I would have gone mad if I had allowed the fear to grow any bigger than it is now. I found myself focusing on David, who loves me and would do no real harm to me, and on The Man who makes me feel strangely safe.
I slowed my breathing... and pictured David... watching me, being proud of what I endured, telling me he loves me. I heard The Mans voice soothing me, felt him stroke my hair. I am OK... I will continue to be OK. Then there was the worst, going to the bathroom. I knew I could never get through it, not ever with him watching me. My body had its own time schedule however and I had no choice.
There is nothing private of me now, nothing about me The Man has not touched or seen. I am truly a wide- open book, and one who is on the very first page. I was thinking about The Man, wondering what he is thinking about me. There has been no real sexual contact, other than a few touches and kisses. I love my Master beyond words and these feelings will never change. But strangely, I ache for sexual connection with The Man. These feelings are quite different from the ones I have for my Master, but sexual just the same.
Being as vulnerable as I am to The Man, my need for a deeper touching and connection has grown and continues to grow. It confuses me, but the need is certainly there. I wonder if he will ever make love to me. Is that not part of the training? Does he not find me attractive in that way? Does he sl**p with any of his other slaves?
I watch the moonlight through the trees in his huge window. My bonds are tight, holding me secure like a lovers arms. I never thought I would relish being bound so completely, but I feel as if I will melt away to nothing if he removes the ropes now. I hear him sl**ping beside me and try to breathe with him. I slow my breath to match his and feel my body relaxing some. I turn a little to get more comfortable and drift off to sl**p, trying to empty my mind, if only for a few hours....
To be continued……