BRIEF update: If I'm NOT here regularly enough to update anything or to even do much reviewing it's due to complications...
THOSE COMPLICATIONS BEING REAL LIFE WOMEN...
take a lot of time away from ones porn addictions
BUT the real problem I'm having with real life none internet women?
Yeah but if you're going to have problems that's a good problem to have!
...now on with the show!
I know advertisers pay the bills around here. We sure as hell don't pay the bills around here. However, if advertisers are going to put short clips that are lacking money shots or are of low quality, I'm thumbing their video DOWN. It's not much of a protest but its the best way I can express my displeasure with professional porn websites.
DO NOT SPEND MONEY AT THE FOLLOWING SITES:
A BRIEF comment about reviewing...
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. [laughs] Men's cocks on fire on the shoulder of a transvestite Orion. I watched cross dressers glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those... moments... will be lost in time, like [coughs] tears... in... rain. Time... to review..."
In case that sounds familiar I'm parodying the "Tears in rain soliloquy" from Blade Runner.
Don't know that one? Damn folks put down your cock or toy or whatever and watch some REAL cinema...where people keep their cloths on...for the most part.
Between kicking out pictures of poop, pee, children (yea freaks try to post that stuff) and copyrighted material ripped from places like Brazzers and Penthouse, I'm staring at cocks.
Because there is a lot of that. It's not my deal and I have no control over what picture appears next but I have to make sure it's not something we won't allow here at xHamster.
There are just some things that I don't understand like who would or why anyone would want to publish it. Like pictures of great grandma naked or just really really ugly people (they know who they are) NAKED...
That's not the worst of it. Not to get into to many details...BUT...
Now look, I'm not being judgmental of what turns other people on. What I AM saying is that somethings are just NOT IN GOOD TASTE
and should be kept to yourself. Stop trying to share pictures of your fat cross dressing uncle Earl wearing a garter, black bra and matching panties with a flaccid cucumber shoved up his ass.
So if you're uploading something, please take into consideration whether what you're sending is art or just a bad decision.
A little about me:
I don't take things to damn seriously. Life is to short to stress over the small stuff.
And I can be a real outspoken asshole sometimes.
Speaking of assholes, before you hate on me just remember that opinions are like assholes, we all have them.
I think if you understand this next part, you'll understand a lot about who I am:
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”
― George Carlin
A quick note about friend requests.
If you’re reading this because I’ve sent a friend request to you, then thank you for stopping by. Have a drink, take a seat and make yourself at home. Read, look around and most of all have fun.
You might be wondering why I’ve invited you to stop by, if indeed you’re responding to an invitation. If you just stumbled in, then I still appreciate your stopping by. Now for the invitees, the reason for the invitation is that there really isn’t any one good reason.
Maybe something you posted on your profile caught my attention, maybe it was one of the videos you’ve uploaded and shared or maybe it was a sense of shared camaraderie in our tastes. Whatever the reason, I thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to invite you over.
Let me assure you that I don’t have any nefarious intentions. I’m not going to start harassing, stalking, ‘trolling’, posting rude comments on your profile or the photos and videos you may or may not have uploaded. In fact I don’t plan on being a jackass in any way shape or form towards you. Frankly, just as in the world outside of the interwebz, I have no interest in such activates. In short, I have better things to do with my time.
That being said, if you wish to IM, Email me
, post sexy nasty comments, send lewd naked pictures/videos, flirt or in anyway have fun, feel free. Nothing wrong with that at all, but don’t expect me to start the ball rolling. I’ve learned over the years that even the most innocent of comments can become misconstrued as unwanted advances and just lead to all sorts of chaos and misunderstandings. Again, it’s just not worth my time
Dude what up!
I’ve noticed some of you only have female friends and some of you blatantly inform everyone you don’t accept friend requests from men. I’m good with that so I’ve respected the wishes of those gentlemen. Well except for a couple of cases where I was a little over zealous with hitting the friend button before properly investigating things.
Sorry bout that.
Rest assured that the same rules apply to you guys that apply to the women: I’m not hear to piss in anybody’s swimming pool.
Even if you are into that sort of thing.
So I’m not going to IM you, send weird requests or otherwise make a nuisance out of myself.
However, I only bat from one side of the plate and I don’t switch hit either. So if you feel inclined to send me anything lewd, unlike the women, I would appreciate you refraining from doing so because it’s not gonna get you anywhere.
Now then, don’t you all feel better about everything?
Enjoy the show and remember to wipe up after yourself when you’re done, if you don’t mind.
COMPULSORY PUBLIC ADVISORY WARNING:
And now, a philosophical tribute/poem for all mah' peeps...
...this is for the questions that don't have any answers
The midnight glancers and the topless dancers
The candid freaks, cars packed with speakers
The G's with the forties and the chicks with beepers
The Northern Lights and the Southern Comfort
And it don't even matter if the veins are punctured
All the crackheads, the critics, the cynics
And all my heroes in the Methadone Clinic
All you bastards at the IRS
For the crooked cops and the cluttered desks
For the shots of jack and the caps of meth
Half pints of love and the fifths of stress
For the hookers all tricking out in Hollywood
And for my hoods of the world misunderstood
I said it's all good and it's all in fun
Now get in the pit and try to love someone
For the time bombs ticking and the heads that hang
All the gangs getting money and the heads that bang bang
Wild mustangs the porno flicks
All my homies in the county in cell block six
The grits when there ain't enough eggs to cook
And for DB Cooper and money he took
You can look for answers but that ain't fun
Now get in the pit and try to love someone
- Robert James "Bob" Ritchie
Come on now...all of you can find something or someone to relate to or with in this and for that, I lift my glass to all of you with love.
Porn is performance art…that you can spank off too.
In art, performance art is a performance presented to an audience, traditionally interdisciplinary. Performance may be either scripted or unscripted, random or carefully orchestrated; spontaneous or otherwise carefully planned with or without audience participation. The performance can be live or via media; the performer can be present or absent. It can be any situation that involves four basic elements: time, space, the performer's body, or presence in a medium, and a relationship between performer and audience. Performance art can happen anywhere, in any venue or setting and for any length of time. The actions of an individual or a group at a particular place and in a particular time constitute the work.
But like all things, some jackass has to take 'art' to far...
Some of the porn I like the most is amateur porn. Particularly two otherwise 'normal' people doing things to each other with lust, gusto and commitment.
On the other hand...some porn is more performance than others and should be left to the professionals.
God knows ANY of THAT can throw your back out...or...choke yourself to death.
"I don't like small cars or real big women
but somehow I always find myself in 'em."
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
Seriously though, I prefer...
Women...all of them - all of you.
The thin ones
Younger ones (legal age please)
Short or tall
The fat ones and skinny ones.
Big boobs, little boobs.
The flippant woman's answer would be "you're a guy, of course you do!"
Is that the case? Really? Reconsider the shallow guys you've met and then think about the answer again please.
Most of all I like the women who are comfortable with their sexuality regardless of what they look like.
Women are nature's beauty. Just like waterfalls and mountain views. All natural wonders.
Maybe I should use this line to get laid more. It's a good line and more importantly I believe it's true.
But a woman who is dead sexy, cooks and cleans? THAT'S a unicorn.
...I always have to say something to screw it up, right?
...NOW can I please get a sandwich and at least a hand job?
I'm just kidding!
or I'm just a guy...
THIS...is an amazing looking woman! Absolutely a knockout...
Remember though...to much of a good thing is a bad thing!
Seriously though, in a sea of porn where any yahoo
with a decent digital video camera and some ‘acting talents’ can churn out porn, what makes good porn good?
I suppose ultimately the definition of what is good
is up for individual determination. As for me I like
scenes that are unique, different or have something
special about them. Anybody can fuck and anybody
can film people fucking but there is something special about people really getting into what they are doing or exhibiting some kind of talent or possessing some kind of special feature – like natural big tits – that makes good porn.
Of course to MUCH of a good thing isn't good...
You know something?
I LIKE TITS!
99 Words for Boobs - G'head...push the play button. Go on...you know you wanna!
Gianna Michaels - The QUEEN.
5'10" of crazed man meat devouring uber greatness.
BIG boobs, BIG round ass, BIG round hips...just BIG
in general. She's aggressive, talks dirty and most
of all, really appears to enjoy her job. In other
words she's not just doing it for the money. No anal surprisingly...never seen her do an anal scene. No
matter though because....
(UPDATE: My bad, Gianna did her first anal scene, according to Wikipedia, in Big Wet Asses 15...Yeah I'm all over getting that video.)
Tiffany Mynx - Makes anal so hot. Her performances
are examples of Porn being performance art.
ATTENTION HATERS AND VARIOUS MALCONTENTS HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE...
Don't take everything so seriously...learn to laugh at yourself...
Yeah I'm 10cm tall...I'm a freak'n Smurf. xHamster needs to be accommodating and put the height in apples as well as feet and centimeters
I laugh at myself all the time...
Women find me funny as hell too!
...and DEAD SEXY!
...well some women do!
Probably because I look like Brad Pit!
and not at all like some Taliban guy...
This woman has a BIG pussy
This is a woman's Spam Purse
Insert "crabs" joke here:
...that's also a REAL CRAB! Google: Monster Tasmanian King Crabs
Especially when you deal with comedy, you have got to be really honest because it's the honesty and the spontaneity that causes people to chuckle, that catches people.
We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.
A child, from the time he can think, should think about all he sees, should suffer for all who cannot live with honesty, should work so that all men can be honest, and should be honest himself.
If you cannot work on the marriage or the women is a moron, staying married and cheating makes the most sense because divorce is disruptive to the family life and your bank account.
PLEASE help stop bestiality. Besides, nobody sane want's to see that shit!
She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.
WARNING: all individuals and/or institutions, including local, state, federal, and international law enforcement agencies using this or any Adult Friend Finder site or its associated sites for projects and/or investigations. - You do not have my permission to use any of my profile information, pictures, videos, blogs, or stories in any form or forum both current and future. If you have, or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal action. (I suggest the rest of you post this notice)
OK…troll the credits…
Written By.................Rion Moon
Staring in order of appearance
"Reviewer Cat".............Iza Catz
Porn Ponderer Guy..........Philip J. Fry
Porn Spokesman.............Mr. Fiftys Icon Guy
BBW........................Gianna and four other
chicks I don’t know
BIG Boob Girl #1...........Tig Biddy
SUPER Boob Girl#2..........Ms. Golly Molly
Interesting furry animal...O. Possum Jr.
Pissed Off Owl.............Mr. Hooters
Appearing as themselves
Tiffany Mynx and her luscious tush
Graphics assistance provided by Adobe Photoshop
Giant Vagina Cart Design.…...Mrs. Harriet Beaver
Special Thanks To
Lubridurm Lotion – Sure is Tight Health & Fitness Hand Grip – Kleenex brand tissues
“Lighten up Francis” courtesy of Columbia Pictures “Stripes”
No animals were seriously harmed in the making of this profile.
I love BACON!
"Reviewer Cat" has moved to a monastery in Idaho vowing to live a caste life and never look at porn again. We wish him well.
The opossum is currently undergoing psychological counseling.
The horse is recovering nicely and
Seriously Fat Cat still needs some diet food.
And the owl is still royally ticked off.
The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional.
Signed RICHARD M. NIXON