modelmaker's Blog
The Ramblings of a Manic Depressive.

These are thoughts that I've had over a period of time.

They are in no way sexual or erotic so if that's what you are seeking,,go elsewhere.

They were; I feel,a cry for help,,,help which never came, despite having visited several psychiatrists.


Why am I so bl**dy angry.
Anything seems to set me off, the mad driver, the idiot parked in front of my drive so I can't get out, the c***d breaking the branch off a tree.
You'd think at my age, having been there seen it, done it and have the tee shirt I'd have calmed down, but no it just gets worse.
I know there's a particular word for someone who dislikes people but I can't remember it, and that too makes me angry.
If you didn't laugh you'd cry.
Don't mock, it's not funny or pathetic or sad, it's f****** real and it hurts and causes such deep deep depressions and no one cares and I just want to sit and cry and curl up into a ball and sl**p it away and I can't, because I have this and that to do and responsibilities to face, and there's no one to talk to that understands.
I've seen the doctors, the shrinks, the councillors, the samaritans and agony aunts. They all just look at me and say Buck Up pull yourself together and get on with it, or it'll be alright, give it time.
Well I've certainly had plenty of time, how much more only The Gods know but if only the good die young I'll still be here suffering for a long time yet.
Posted by modelmaker 2 years ago
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1 month ago
You're not alone.
1 year ago
Buspar has helped me smoothes out the rough edges.
1 year ago
I'm bi polar also. I have responded well to a medication. It took two years of trial and error to find it. Perhaps you can try again....Hope you find the help I did
1 year ago
You're not alone. Is there a real cure to get rid this useless and self destructive feelings? I use some 'aggressive' music, mainly heavy metal, this kicks ass and gets me ready for the daily fights against mobbers and shrinkheads. And there's nothing better than the wonderful feeling of an orgasm. Sex, no drugs and rock'n roll is all my brain and body needs.
1 year ago
This guy is not laughing . This guy has been there and still going through it every fucking day . There are many of us ... men and women alike .
We are a club / team / organization ...whether we wish to admit it or not .

Thanks for this post Modelmaker . Make a perfect world for me please . Best wishes sent your way.

1 year ago
that as some of the others said took balls, and if you have the strenth to share this with us, you have a strenth to keep on chugging along, its not funny its not weak, its just how it is, all we can do is keep bumbling along making the mistakes, just like the rest of us and lean on our friends at the worse bits of lifes pathway.
1 year ago
I don't think it's funny; I don't think you are pathetic or sad.

I think it takes a lot of balls to pour something like that out on a page for all to see.

What can I say ? I sometimes feel the same. I look at my life and think "you've worked hard, you've done ok for yourself" but why do I feel so bloody empty all the time. I fill my void with meaningless liasons and hopeless dreams of "normality", but then I question what normality is; certainly my idea of normality probably wouldn't conform to the norm I know that.

I look at most people and see drones; soulless, vacuous, stupid, moronic, self centred, self obsessed fuckwits. And it makes me weep for the future.

Will I ever get to my utopia ? Who knows, until then what else can I do ? I've never given up before, and even though I think the eventual dream is just that, it's something that keeps me going.

Good luck mate, and don't ever think that people are laughing at you, because those people that laugh at you are the self same vacuous fuckwits I mentioned earlier.
1 year ago
I feel like this too, having had three close mates commit suicide. I often feel suicidal myself but I too feel I have responsibility to my family and friends to remain, though I'd rather not. it is a roller coaster. best wishes.
1 year ago
I really understand where you are coming from,we just have to battle on,what else can we do xx
2 years ago
Thanks for sharing this cry. I'm London based and so I'm probably not best placed to go fancy-a-sauna or a pint. Are there any other xhamsters in the area who are REAL and would meet up. Someone, somewhere who can share some sexual openness with you, but really there in the flesh. I'm not being much help. Maybe worth putting out a message for a meet-up if you haven't done it recently.

Really impressive that you have the strength to share this with us. I hope there's someone near you to share time/space.

If not, and you choose to come to London, you are welcome to get in touch and we could go sit in Rio's Kentish Town.

Good luck
2 years ago
I feel your pain, I am bi polar, I self help, the drugs have failed, my life is like riding a rollercoaster, love somedays, other days I wish I could burn the whole fucking funfair down......kudos and such bravery to share these thoughts...............Cucky.