One time Chuck Norris was walking around in the woods looking for hippies to use as firewood. Suddenly a Kodiak Grizzly Bear crossed his path and made eye contact with Chuck Norris, Bad Idea – Chuck took out his Swiss Army Knife and stabbed the Bear in the throat. Chuck ate the Grizzly Bear and used the Grizzly Bears’ fur for a rug.
If you don’t know who Chuck Norris is he is a world champion at kickboxing, karate, ninja arts, sumo wrestling, Tae Bo, street fighting, hand to hand combat, and also was a national spelling bee competition winner. Chuck Norris has no weaknesses; he is the ultimate fighting machine.
Not much is known about Chuck’s early life. Chuck Norris has no mother, as crawling out of a vagina is unbecoming of a man of his stature. Chuck Norris spontaneously came into existence on Karl Marx’s birthday. This was no accident since Chuck Norris is the polar opposite of communism’s yin, and the very thought of communism makes Chuck Norris Want to puke.
Chuck Norris Defender of Freedom
Chuck Norris has fought in every American war including the American Revolution, The War of the Worlds, Korean War, Vietnam, Desert Storm, Black Hawk Down, World War 1, World War 2, Red Dawn, American Civil War, the Iran-Iraq war (on both sides simultaneously), and the War on d**gs. The only war Chuck has not fought in was the French and Indian war because Chuck Norris could give a shit less about the French, in Chuck’s opinion the French complain to much and deserve to get their asses kicked. Chuck Norris wins by attrition.
Chuck’s Favorite Foods:
Sometimes when Chuck Norris gets tired of Whiskey or steel wool, he’ll eat bread, cheese, tomato paste and a handful of basil, which sounds like a pizza but it’s not because Chuck Norris doesn’t want to give the Italian’s credit.
Chuck Norris Encounters
One time for Halloween I was trick or treating and I dressed up like a pussy because you are supposed to dress up in something you are not. I also figured that Chuck Norris would appreciate ironic humor.
When I arrived at Chuck’s house it was a floating volcano with American Bald Eagles flying around it. I walked up the long staircase which seem like it took days. I knock on his door and the door automatically open up, there was Chuck Norris sitting on his throne naked with a red cape on and he was wearing on his finger a giant Diamond Ring that has Unicorn with a huge erection on it. I dared not to make eye contact with Chuck because if you do you will spontaneously combust. So I bowed my head and kissed his ring and told him this was the happiest day of my life. If Chuck does not kill you right there on the spot then he gives you permission to live. I got permission to live.
I’m so Jealous
Once I had a friend who claimed he had an encounter with Chuck Norris, I called him a liar and asked him to prove it. He told me that Chuck Norris had the complete movie set of Back to the Future Trilogy on Blue Ray. I was so jealous, I called him a Liar, but deep inside I knew he was telling the truth. I never talked to my friend again.
This concludes the greatest American ever to live.
Posted by mjligero 2 years ago Views: