I've decided to spend the holidays this year alone, away from f****y and all of the stressors that entails. I suppose to compensate for this I attended Midnight Mass at my local Cathedral. It's been a few years since I last attended mass in general, let alone Midnight Mass. I was conflicted throughout the ceremony for any number of reasons. I was so thoroughly touched by the sense of community and the general goodwill that is created through ritual that i became overwhelmed. Dogma aside, the ceremony stimulated levels of my spirit in ways that no mere rational instruction can ever touch.
I never thought I would say this, but I think I may start attending Sunday mass more often. I actually took communion again tonight and felt a power there I have not felt in years. I was in tears when "Holy Night" was performed. As i was listening to it, I was hearing MY culture, MY heritage... I was hearing a part of myself which I turned my back on so long ago.
I hate being so emotional these days, it's just that I was so touched by tonight's mass. I am honestly even considering rejoining the church, on my own grounds of course. I just think we might be depriving ourselves needlessly if we condemn the Church entirely.
I always knew there was power in faith when taken outside of the confines of religious dogma. The brand of faith I have held in my heart lately has been so focused on rebellion and individual freedom that I was beginning to lose sight of the sheer humanity that ceremonies like Mass can help instill in us. I still consider Lilith to have shown me salvation from the cultural restraints of the human spirit. She did this by showing me the exstacy of sin. However, as I stared at the image of Jesus dying in agony upon the cross at the fore of the cathedral last night, I undertood for the first time ever why his death can be said to have saved us all. The three days of agony Jesus endured was because he dared to look inward to become himself, outside of societal pressures, thus threatening the Roman and Jewish control of human belief and behavior. By defying the status quo, by embracing what I call Lilith, Jesus became a whole person. He is a potential Savior for all civilization because his horrific death shows what a terrible crime it is for any government, authority, or culture to suppress the expression of the self or, worse, to punish or murder those who chose to live their lives free. Jesus' crucifixion was an obscene violation of the human spirit, and it serves as a reminder of just how imperative cultural tolerance is.
Personal salvation comes when we are truthful about our desires. Our creative spirits are unleashed when we accept those desires. The salvation of humanity rests upon our acknowledgement of the truth of our condition, and our flourishing will arise when we quite crucifying those who dare to grace us with the unique spirits with which they are possessed.