lilith10's Blog
Concerning Lilith

This was initially written in response to HK's blog concerning Lilith. It's an ongoing thought and not meant to yet be complete:

Michaela has written THE best account on Lilith I have ever seen. She took the important parts of all the stories about Lilith and put them into a very concise, but thorough narrative. I was blown away when I read it because I have never been able to find such a complete description of Lilith. I would defintitely check out her blog.

But I think if Lilith could ever actually be summarized, it would just be that she is the representation of the f***e that threatens the establishment. Because our culture is predominantly male, she is personified in female form. She is the spirit that is born BECAUSE of male dominance, but she is also the f***e that threatens to undermine that dominance. She is all the desires our culture represses for the sake of law, and order, and civility. She is the tension that builds and feeds upon our attempts to deny that certain desires of ours even exist.

None of this makes her evil, mind you. She isn't a Satanic figure, who arises as we deny acting upon our desires. Lilith arises when we deny that those desires don't exist in ourselves at all. Unlike Satan, who is only satiated when we actually act upon our unwanted desire, Lilith is satisfied when we simply recognize that those desires exist. In our society, we are heavily encouraged to deny our sexual desires. As such, Lilith is associated closely with sex, in particular, deviant or perverted sex. As we try to hide and pretend those unwanted desires are not really part of ourselves, and especially as we try to blame outside f***es (like demons) when those desires become undeniable, Lilith is formed. Those real and active impulses need to go somewhere, right?.

She's hard to explain. To me, Lilith represents the truth. She might be the creation of all of the desires we try to discard as potentially harmful to our society, but she is still a part of who we are. To understand Lilith is to understand ourselves more fully. But to recognize and acknowledge Lilith isn't the same thing as actually indulging in unwanted desires. Those are two very different things! The entire reason Lilith is formed is so that we do not recognize those deviant, wrong, perverted, and immoral desires coming from ourselves; if we don't desire it, we won't do it (or so our minds' hope). When we actually do act out those unwanted behaviors, then we cross into the realm of the Satanic.

So Lilith, in a way, actually represents a barrier in between what we consider "good" and "evil." In keeping us unaware of our potential to do "evil," Lilith functions to keep us from actually doing it.

I'll use one of my own taboo desires and subsequent behaviors to help illustrate this. Though this relates to how Lilith operates on a personal level, a similar process applies to our culture as well.

For most of my life I tried to deny those sexual impulses of mine which I thought would not be acceptable for a woman of my status and position in life. In particular, I tried to refrain from sl**ping with men who I did not know well. I always tried to keep sex within a relationship. Basically I didn't sl**p around.

But I went beyond just not sl**ping around. I began to actually believe that I didn't want to sl**p around. I convinced myself that I was above any desire to be at all promiscuous. I had class and dignity and self-respect, all traits that are cultivated and refined in somebody who can maintain control over her impulses and desires. I controlled my desires. I decided which desires came from me, and which did not.

So I repressed my desire to have unattached sex. I disowned it, and occasionally displaced it onto others. But it was always there. Sometimes I satisfied the desire through fantasy. Other times I vicariously fulfilled it through watching porn. Sometimes both. But I always did so in a way in which I could, ultimately, distance myself from being responsible for the desire. If I did recognize the desire in me, it was always because of "alcohol," or "stress," or a long period of abstinence. It was never MY desire.

As I lived out my daily life, my desire to engage in promiscuous sex started to grow. As it grew, it became more perverted, unconventional, and taboo. The more it grew, the more I had to deny its existence. But the more it grew, the more I could not deny its existence. Eventually the original desire, that of sl**ping around, became utterly transformed and manifested in the nearly unrecognizable form of wanting to get gangbanged, used, and objectified by a bunch of strange men in a porn theater. Once my desire reached that point, I decided to take heed.

Lilith represents that process by which my desire was hidden, warped, strengthened and then realized. When I felt compelled to hide the desire from myself (basically when I found myself outraged by the initial thought of being promiscuous), that was Lilith being born. When I found myself tacitly enjoying porn when nobody was watching, that was Lilith taking her first steps and growing. When I fantasied about more and more unconventional types of sex while still believing I was "respectable", that was Lilith entering adulthood. And when I finally found myself in that theater with dozens of men, doing things that might even cause a porn star's' eyes to widen, that was Lilith becoming in me.

It was in that theater that I finally came face to face with my hidden desire to be a promiscuous. That was the moment in which Lilith was fully alive in me. By that time, I had not just wanted to be promiscuous. I wanted to be cummed on, opened up, pinned down, anally fucked, and used and abused beyond anything I could possibly deem "respectable." Lilith had taken my desire to protect my social dignity and transformed it into the exact opposite! In that theater I wanted everyone to watch as I lost control and made myself into a whore. i wanted them to see me fall from grace, to sin, to get on my knees to serve.

So in my case Lilith wasn't the original desire to be promiscuous, nor was she the act of carrying out that desire. Lilith was simply the psychological backlash resulting from my denial of the existence of that original desire.

Posted by lilith10 2 years ago
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1 year ago
Very true. Both of your comments. I'll have to think more about the topic in those terms. As of right now though, I need to get to bed! thank you for commenting!!!
1 year ago
Lilith is very very real, not just an psychological amalgamation of how one perceives social taboo, imsho..........
1 year ago
Amazing testimony and deep thinking on social taboos!

If Lilith existence is based upon the denial of sexual impulses, once those impulses are unchained and becomes free, would Lilith ceases to be?!

I liked the image of a personification of the social taboos, because it makes it more real and touchable; but the social taboos could also be seen through a more psychological, scientific perspective, such as in the “Civilization and Its Discontents” [Das Unbehagen in der Kultur] by Freud; or maybe not…

2 years ago
Oh I went back. Many many times lol. I didn't always do anything, in fact most of the time I just allowed guys to watch. There is sort of a power trip in knowing everyone is drooling over you but can't have you. I never had a night like that first, however.
2 years ago
This makes sort of very profound, but also very sincere reading. Thanks for your reflections, Lilith, I think you NEEDED to take them out of yourself. Ultimately, your session at the porn theatre was where you finally set yourself free and open. Did you ever go back there?
2 years ago
A touch off the subject. But those wily and cat-fighting women who entwined themselves with General Petrewes and brought him down. I would like to know your take on that sometime.
2 years ago
An extraordinary expression of a person's desires and passions personified in feminine sexuality. Lilith here represents the dark Goddess of female passion; undeniable and subversive to a world so long conditioned into the suppression of that passion. A lovely piece of writing.

Michaela xxxxx
2 years ago
It's okay Tiger. It's way over my head too. It doesn't make any sense to anyone, I don't think.
2 years ago
This is way over my head.

2 years ago
I think Nietzsche fits your disposition best:

“It is the business of the very few to be independent; it is a privilege of the strong. And whoever attempts it, even with the best right, but without being OBLIGED to do so, proves that he is probably not only strong, but also daring beyond measure. He enters into a labyrinth, he multiplies a thousandfold the dangers which life in itself already brings with it; not the least of which is that no one can see how and where he loses his way, becomes isolated, and is torn piecemeal by some minotaur of conscience. Supposing such a one comes to grief, it is so far from the comprehension of men that they neither feel it, nor sympathize with it. And he cannot any longer go back! He cannot even go back again to the sympathy of men!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
2 years ago
I'm here just to thank you, I think contradictions
are the food of our soul, we show and we hide
ourself to ourself, but is a necessary game,
a way to survive, coerence is a stupid thing,
I'm an artist, contradictions are the engine
of all the arts, the food of the arts, with
coerence and without contradictions the result
is a static an empty object, if you build
a car with coerence it can't move, apply
some contradiction and the engine works good.
I'm a musician, if I don't contradict the first note,
in the air remain a long and boring single
sound and I have to do it note after note.
Perhaps if the persons were free to contradict
themselves, without it seems a blame, the society
was better.
I'm glad to be the first note here.
2 years ago
The contradiction is so profound that a separate entity that occupies the same flesh must be formed...else how can the integrity of Catherine be maintained.
2 years ago
I realize I contradict myself heavily in this. It's a work in progress.
2 years ago
mmmh interesting... its left me thinking, yet with nothing to say.
2 years ago
I agree and disagree mentally on this post