ladyredd2012's Blog my submissiveness
I do consider myself a submissive. That said I also know that I can be assertive when I need to be, but when it comes to how I truly want to live my life I am true to my submissive nature.
The beginning of my road to this awareness started when I was just a little girl. I was sort of robbed of my c***dhood by an uncle who m*****ed me for a lot of years. With that early exposure to sexual pleasure, I became a very sexual being. As I got older I sought out partners for sex thinking that was what love was. By the time I was 13 years old I had been pregnant already and had an abortion.
I would wear very provocative clothing and seek out older men to fulfill my need to be used. The wanton a****l inside me craved the physical attention given to me by these men even if it was a painful encounter, maybe more so when it was painful. When I was 15 I met my first husband. He was 3 years older than me and I would have done anything for him.
I thought that he could make me feel alive and loved but instead he was nothing more than a bump in the road. He taught me how to fight and always hit me out of anger and rage. Even though I sometimes would provoke the anger secretly enjoying the pain he would inflict upon me, I couldn’t subject the c***dren that we had to his abuse. I broke free of him.
During the first year of my freedom from him I went totally wild. It shames me sometimes to think about how wanton a slut I was back then. Marrying at such a young age and staying married for eight years had bottled up a lot of frustration. It was the only time other than opening up with You that I let myself peek into my dark side. I met a man who was 20 years my senior. He took me in one summer while my c***dren were visiting their dad. I was essentially his servant and sexual plaything.
He and his friends used me as their whore. If I disappointed him or any of his buddies I would be whipped soundly. If he felt like marking my body I would be whipped. It is during that time I discovered how much I liked sucking a nice hard cock. It is something I strived to be good at so that I wouldn’t get beaten. Oh I enjoyed the whipping but sometimes he would get carried away and really hurt me badly.
While we were out one weekend I met George. He was a black man who the instant I saw him stirred such powerful feelings in the pit of my stomach I had to get to know him. George was invited back to the house with the rest of the crowd that weekend and he stole
me away from my older friend.
I had messed around with some black boys when I was in school but being from Georgia it was so taboo that it never went farther than flirting around at school. George took my breath away. He did things to me that no one else had ever done. His passion was eating pussy and he was damn good at it, but he couldn’t stay faithful. The redneck in me came out so bad with him and he was not dominate enough to control me.
Finding out that George had slept with someone who was suppose to be my friend made me mistrust any man again for a while. The burning need in me to be controlled though would not stay quiet long.
My second husband came into my life at that time. He was the complete opposite of what I thought that I wanted. He would never lay a hand on me even if I begged him to but he did not mind tying me up and sexually torturing me till I was begging him for release. I once again pushed my true nature aside letting it fester under the surface.
I can’t honestly say that I wasn’t happy with Butch my second husband because that would be lying. He was my soul mate. He made me happy and taking care of him calmed my submissive side enough to make things work between us. When he got sick it was devastating and his death has forever changed me. Changed me for the better because now I am determined not to live my life unsatisfied.
I was lost and searching for something when You came into my life. My deep dark secret that I had buried for all those years had started to haunt me in my dreams. I was looking for someone to teach me, to mold me, to unlock the door that had been locked for so very long.
When You reached out to me and gave me an open opportunity to explore this hidden desire it was what I had been waiting for seems like all my life. So many times over the last year I have wanted, no needed to feel the way You made me feel that day You had me spread eagle on Your bed in Yorktown. When you took that buggy whip and used it on me I was elevated to a place I had only dreamed and fantasized about. The intensity of that day will never be lost to me.
So fearful of losing You from my life I stay silent when I know that I should speak my hidden desires to You my Lord and Master. You are not a mind reader and how can You know what is in my mind and in my heart. How can You know that the exquisite pain You have given me just a taste of is what I live to feel again. How can You know that every touch from You upon my body drives me to the brink of sanity, leaving me wanting more and more an insatiable nympho who wants nothing but to please her Master.
Master I must also tell You that I am jealous, jealous of the thought of You touching another the way that You touch me. I don’t have the right but I can’t stop the way I feel. Master there is fear in my heart as well. I have already hurt You my Lord by words and deeds in the past and the fear I have is that You will never truly forgive me for those past transgressions.
I told You that I would be totally honest with You and I have been since I told You about me having to go to jail over a year ago. I am being honest with You my Lord when I tell You that I truly want to be Yours in all ways, to feel the wickedness inside You and to satisfy the man as well. I have never wanted or needed anything so much. I am asking You my Lord to take pity on Your whore meat and mold her into the slave You desire