I was twelve going on thirteen the first time I saw a dead human being. It happened in the summer of nineteen-fifty-nine. A long time ago.
But only if you measure in terms of years.
I was living in a small town in Oregon called Castle Rock. There were only 1281 people, but to me it was the whole world.
Wait a minute, I may have confused my life with the opening of Stand By Me, damn it, I hate it when that happens.
Let me try again.
In the latter half of the month of April in a year that could only really be described as 1976, a young woman was sped to hospital to have her fourth consecutive miscarriage, unfortunately fate has a nasty habit of screwing things up and a handful of hours later, I was forced to make my first appearance into this world.
My birth was somewhat uneventful, if it wasn't for the mutant abilities and allergic reaction to the atmosphere of this planet, nobody would have even batted an eyelid, most of the usual features were there, 2 eyes as blue as ice on the frozen world of Kallibosh, hair as fine as silk, strong as steel and as blonde as something really, really, blonde. If Hitler had still been around he would surely have remarked "Yes, this is the personification of my aryan vision".
The extra earlobe was considered to be ostentatious though and after much discussion on the value of aesthetics a decision was made to remove it.
A child prodigy by the age of 4, I spent my formative years developing a cure for all of Earths known diseases, by the time I was six, my experimentation had led to the development of Krillex, the first wonder drug of its kind, it sent shockwaves through the entire medical establishment and I was poised to take my position as the next Doogie Howser, Life as I knew it could not have been better.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to truly appreciate the sweet unless you have first tasted sour. The sour for me came fast and without warning when testing proved that Krillex was nothing more than a mix of 95% commercially available, high energy, taurine based drink and 5% urine.
Spurned by my colleagues I spiralled into a fit of depression and took solace in drink, drugs and sexual experimentation that inevitably led to my first successful suicide attempt, unfortunately, immortality has its drawbacks and 3 days later I awoke in a cave in Israel, with no money, no purpose and nothing but the white robes that I had on my back.
The period of time between the ages of 6 and 14 are a little bit of a blur, fuelled by my own inability to separate fantasy from reality, all I can really recollect was founding a few religions and preventing the invasion of earth from a hostile alien race in about 1989, this was interspersed with the usual mundanity of attending various schools and founding my non-profit 'blow jobs for crack' drug amnesty program.
It was during this time I discovered Music, Film and Video-games and I threw myself into all three with much gusto, by the time it reached 1994 I was seeing around 200 bands live, usually fuelled by a cocktail of my beloved drugs and alcohol, when I wasn't at a gig I was sat in the darkened embrace of the local cinema, the place that I felt most at home.
At the age of 16 I gained the ability to open portals between the realms of being, discovering that all there is, was and will ever be exists within one of five realms, Our own universe, Dream, Death, Desire & Despair, between them lies the endless void where even gods a fearful to tread. I spent the next couple of years mapping these realms, when I discovered that a war was taking place between four of the realms, as Death was making a play for power. It was here that I allied myself with the ruler of the dreamworld who told me of the fate of his sister.
"She wasn’t always so wretched" he explained to me
"She used to walk in the spaces in between worlds, shepherding those who had fallen back through the endless to the cities of death. One day she was sent to our world by her father to retrieve a great warrior king who was mortally wounded in battle, but when she saw him for the first time, she immediately fell in love with the man. Abandoning her duty and her position, she sought to make him her lover, and healed him. Her beauty smote the Warrior king and they spent the night together"
His words weaved into my subconscious, as visions danced in my peripheral vision.
"My sister grew pregnant and gave birth to two children one male and one female, due to the birth she was unable to keep her relationship a secret. Our father, the father of all, was displeased, he took my sister's children from her and ordered her to give up her foolishness and kill her lover, but she refused. In his anger Her father rained down his fury upon the people of The Warrior King"
"Unable to prevent the horror that had befallen his people due to his actions, The Warrior King fled into the wilderness, but she followed wherever he ran. “Why have you forsaken me my love?” she asked him “I cannot put my feelings above those of my people” he replied “my city stands in ruins, my people lay dead and all because of what we did, I am mortal and can not be with you”
"She pleaded with him, to go with her to her land, where he would no longer be mortal and they could be wed, but he would not listen and her cries went unanswered, instead the Warrior King took his sword and plunged it deep into his chest. She cradled him as he died in her arms"
I could not be certain but I was sure at this point a saw a single tear roll down the cheek of my storyteller.
"She did not guide him between the worlds; he walked unaided refusing her even in death. Her anguish deepened into a rage unlike any had seen. Her loss poisoned her mind and her heart grew hard, for if she could not have love, she would take power instead."
He explained to me that by this point his sister had already killed their father and had set her sights on the realm of dream, his other siblings had fled their lands and were hiding in the endless. What else could I do but offer him my support, for what would our own world be like if dream were to fall to ruin?
It took everything i had to defeat death, my own immortality was spent, my powers waning I returned to our world and managed to get a job at Blockbuster Video, I still travel to the realm of dream every now and again, but these days I am merely a spectator, but its nice to know that I had a hand in its destiny.
It was whilst working for Blockbuster Video that I stumbled across the meaning of life, it was tucked rather inconspicuously behind a VHS copy of Biodome, I can't really remember much about it apart from the "Iron Man, Iron Man, does whatever and iron can" bit making me laugh and having a bit of a thing for Joey Lauren Addams.
If you made it through all that, here's a little bit more:
Who am I?
I'm a Submissive, Transvestite, no I don't have real tits (well I do but not in the way you're thinking), not on hormones. My life is an open book, so if there is anything you want to know, don't be shy just ask away. It takes a lot to annoy me but I don't easily shake off grudges that get to me, so if you piss me off, then it's goodbye.
In many ways it’s all about attitude and a sense of humour. Admittedly that all comes a distant second to just having somebody whose idea of romance isn't pulling out early so they can cum on your face. Obviously in the fairer sex I look for something different, usually somebody who you can hang out with, is not judgemental and who wont steal all your things.
Ignorance, genital warts, clowns.
Batman, Colourful Socks, Dogs, Cats, Guy Hands, Horror Films, Intellect, Make-up, No Limit Texas Hold 'Em, Stand-up Comedy, bad telly, strong coffee and cigarettes.
Being alone, stupidty, early mornings, waking up, being disappointed, being hurt, liars, animal cruelty, sudden movements, confusion, violence, bad music, politics, fakes, stuff in my food, gamergirls(they're so catty). Superstitions (religion, magic, horoscopes, psychics, etc), Pseudo-science (homeopathy, nutritionists, etc), Trash novels (Twilight, The Time Traveller's Wife, etc)
Being stuck tied down whilst the reanimated corpse of Jeremy Beadle lurches towards you, being unable to move or even let out a scream as he paws at you with his undead withered hand.
Pizza, calzone, chips and mayo, slow roasted leg of lamb, chilli, a good stew, japanese food.
4 must have items:
Make-up, Boots, smokes, bottle of stoli.
Volleyball, Roller Derby and Hockey.
1969 Ford Mustang Mach 1, 1967 Chevy Camero SS or a 1971 Dodge Challenger
Going back through a black phase at the moment although purple is right up there as well.
Tied up and bent over the arm of a chair.
New York, Berlin, Prague, Vienna.
Reasons to Run:
I can be self destructive and unstable (but these days, who isn't?).
Anal Sex, Babydolls, Ball Gags, Basques, Big Black Cocks, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Bridalwear, Bukkake, Camisoles, Corsets, Cosplay, Couples, Crossdressing, Cuckoldry, Dildos, Domination, Femdom, Fisting, French Maids, Fucking, Handcuffs, High Heels, Humiliation, Insertions, Knee Boots, Leashes, Leather, Lingerie, Maids, Masochism, Men, Mini Skirts, Mistresses, Movies, Nipples, Nurses, Public Humiliation, Punishment, Restraints, Satin, Schoolgirl, Secretaries, Sex slaves, Spanking, Spreaders, Suspenders, Transsexuals, Transvestites, Uniforms, Whips, Women.
50ft wave, Aaron Copland, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Air, Alanis Morissette, Alice Cooper, Alice in Chains, Allman Brothers Band, America, Arcade Fire, Aretha Franklin, Avril Lavigne, The Band, Bangles, Barenaked Ladies, Beastie Boys, The Beatles, Beck, Belle & Sebastian, Belly, The Beta Band, Beth Orton, Big Black, Big Star, Bjork, The Black Crowes, Black Sabbath, Blind Mellon, Blondie, Blue Oyster Cult, Bob Dylan, The Breeders, Britney Spears, Brook Benton, Buffalo Springfield, The Byrds, Carole King, Cat Stevens, Cheap Trick, The Clash, Cream, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Cypress Hill, David Bowie, Deep Purple, De La Soul, Dinosaur Jr, Dodgy, Donovan, Elliott Smith, Elton John, Faith No More, Fiona Apple, Fleetwood Mac, Foo Fighters, The Four Tops, Gemma Hates, Gotye, Gnarls Barkley, Heatmiser, Hole, Husker Du, The Isley Brothers, J Sebilius, The Jam, James Taylor, Janes Addiction, Jeff Buckley, Jefferson Airplane, Jesus & Mary Chain, Jimi Hendrix, Johnny Cash, The Juliana Hatfield Three, Kate Bush, The Kinks, Kiss, Kristin Hersh, L7, Led Zeppelin, The Lemonheads, The Levellers, Liz Phair, Ludovico Einaudi, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Magnapop, Manic Street Preachers, Marvin Gaye, Moby, Motley Crue, Neil Young, Nick Drake, Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, Otis Redding, Paul Weller, Pavement, Pearl Jam, Peter Frampton, Peter Gabriel, Pink Floyd, The Pixies, P.J. Harvey, Polyphonic Spree, Pop Will Eat Itself, Portishead, The Posies, Primal Scream, Public Enemy, R.E.M., Rage Against The Machine, The Ramones, Ray Charles, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rolling Stones, Sam & Dave, Sam Cooke, Scott Walker, Shellac, Shonen Knife, Simon & Garfunkel, Slowdive, Small Faces, Smashing Pumpkins, Smokey Robinson, Solomon Burke, Sonic Youth, Soul Asylum, Soundgarden, Spacemen 3, Stephen Lynch, Stevie Wonder, Stone Roses, Suede, Sugar, T Rex, Television, Three Dog Night, Throwing Muses, The Verve, The Who, Wilson Pickett, The Wonder Stuff, Yes.
A Matter of Life and Death, The Accidental Tourist, Across The Universe, Alien, Aliens, Almost Famous, An American Werewolf in London, Anchorman, Apocalypse Now, After Hours, American Beauty, Assault on Precinct 13, Audition, The Bad & The Beautiful, Badlands, Beautiful Girls, Being Human, Bigger Than Life, Blade Runner, Blood Simple, Blue in the Face, Blue Velvet, Big Chill, Brazil, Breakfast Club, Cabin in the Woods, Carrie, Casualties of War, Chasing Amy, Citizen Kane, Clerks, Comfort & Joy, Cool Hand Luke, The Craft, The Crucible, Dazed and Confused, The Deer Hunter, Deliverance, Devil's Backbone, Die Hard, Dogtown & The Z Boys, Donnie Darko, Dr Strangelove, Drugstore Cowboy, E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, Empire Records, Empire Strikes Back, Escape From New York, Fargo, Fearless, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Fight Club, Finding Neverland, The Fisher King, The Fly, Free Enterprise, Funny Games, Gallipoli, Get Carter, Go Fish, Godfather pts 1 & 2, Gone Baby Gone, The Good The Bad & The Ugly, GoodFellas, Good Will Hunting, The Graduate, Gremlins, The Grifters, Grosse Pointe Blank, Hair, Halloween, Hard Boiled, Harold & Maude, Hedwig & the Angry Inch, The Hidden Fortress, Hot Fuzz, The Hudsucker Proxy, The Ice Storm, Ichi the Killer, In Bruges, In The Loop, Inception, Into The Night, Iron Man, It's A Wonderfull Life, The Italian Job, J.F.K., Jaws, Jesus Son, Josie & the Pussycats, Jurassic Park, The Killer, The Killing Fields, Labyrinth, Lady Vengeance, Last Temptation of Christ, Lawrence Of Arabia, The Lion King, Local Hero, The Long Good Friday, Mallrats, The Man With the Golden Arm, Manhunter, Mean Girls, Mean Streets, Miller's Crossing, MirrorMask, The Mosquito Coast, Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, Mumford, Muppet's Christmas Carol, My Own Private Idaho, The Myth of Fingerprints, National Lampoon's Animal House, Neverending Story, Night of the Hunter, Noose, North By Northwest, O Brother Where Art Thou?, Oldboy, On The Waterfront, Once Upon a Time In America, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Pan's Labyrinth, The Paper, Paths of Glory, Pieces of April, Pleasantville, Postcards From The Edge, Princess Bride, Princess Mononoke, Psycho, Pulp Fiction, Quadrophenia, Rabbit Hole, Raging Bull, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, Rashomon, Reservoir Dogs, Return of the Jedi, Robocop, The Royal Tennenbaums, Rumble Fish, Run Ronnie Run, Salvador, Say Anything, Secretary, Seven, Shaun of the Dead, The Shawshank Redemption, The Shining, Shock Corridor, Shortbus, Shutter Island, Smoke, The Social Network, Sonatine, Spartacus, Speed, Stand By Me, Stardust, Star Wars, Strange Days, Sweet Smell of Success, Talk Radio, Taxi Driver, The Terminator, The Thing, The Third Man, This is Spinal Tap, Thumbsucker, Thunderbolt & Lightfoot, The Towering Inferno, Toy Story, Trainspotting, Tron, Twelve Angry Men, Twelve Monkeys, Two Weeks in Another Town, Unforgiven, The Untouchables, The Usual Suspects, The Vanishing, Village of the Damned, Waiting For Guffman, War Games, Wet Hot American Summer, When Harry Met Sally, The Wild Bunch, Withnail And I, Witness, X-Men 2, Yellow Sky, Young Frankenstein, Zodiac, Zulu.
30 Rock, Alias, Alien Nation, Ally McBeal, Angel, Arrested Development, Asylum, Awkward, Babylon 5, Battle of the Planets, Being Erica, Big Train, Blackadder, Blake 7, Boardwalk Empire, Brass Eye, Breaking Bad, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bunheads, Burn Notice, Californication, Castle, Chelmsford 123, Chuck, Community, Cougar Town, The Day Today, Dead Like Me, Death Valley, Dinner for Five, Dollhouse, Drive, Dungeons & Dragons, ECW, E.R., Entourage, Family Guy, Firefly, Freaks and Geeks, Freakazoid, Futurama, Game of Thrones, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, The Gimore Girls, Gossip Girl, Greg the Bunny, Gunslinger Girls, Happy Endings, Hellcats, Heroes, Homeland, The I.T. Crowd, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Jack of all Trades, Jayce & the Wheeled Warriors, Kids In The Hall, Larry Sanders Show, Life on Mars, Life or Something Like it, Life Unexpected, Lost Girl, Medium, The Mighty Boosh, Modern Family, Mr Show, My So Called Life, Mysterious Cities of Gold, New Girl, News Radio, Nikita, Not With a Bang, Parenthood, Parks & Rec, Party Down, Party of Five, Pushing Daisies, Q.I., Raising Hope, Revenge, Robot Chicken, Robotech, Roseanne, Samantha Who?, Secret Circle, The Shield, The Simpsons, Snuff Box, Sons of Anarchy, The Sopranos, South Park, Spaced, Spartacus: Blood & Sand, Stripperella, Suburgatory, Survivors (original series, not the vapid remake), Time Trumpet, TNA-Impact, Top Gear, Twin Peaks, Ulysses 31, Undeclared, Up All Night, Vampire Diaries, Veronica Mars, Walking Dead, Who Dares Wins, Wonderfalls, WWE Raw, WWE Smackdown.
A Christmas Carol, A Tale Of Two Cities, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, American Gods, Animal Farm, Astro City, Atonement, Batman: The Killing Joke, The Beach, Brave New World, Catch-22, The Catcher in the Rye, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, The Clan Of The Cave Bear, The Count Of Monte Cristo, Crisis on Infinate Earths, David Copperfield, The Day Of The Jackal, Dune, Dracula, East Of Eden, Frankenstein, From Hell, Game Over, Good Omens, The Grapes Of Wrath, Great Expectations, High Fidelity, Heart Of Darkness, His Dark Materials, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Hobbit, The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Kim, Kingdom Come, Lolita, The Lord of the Rings, Lord Of The Flies, Maus, Midnight Nation, Moby Dick, The Mosquito Coast, The Name Of The Rose, Neuromancer, Nineteen Eighty-Four, Of Mice And Men, The Old Man And The Sea, Oliver Twist, On The Road, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Preacher, The Picture Of Dorian Gray, The Pillars Of The Earth, Runaways, Sin City, Spiderman: The Death of Gwen Stacey, Swallows And Amazons, Three Men In A Boat, To Kill a Mockingbird, Treasure Island, Ulysses, The War Of The Worlds, Watchmen, Watership Down, Where Wizards Stay Up Late, The World According To Garp, Y: The Last Man.
If you actually made it through all that then I'm impressed. Feel free to hit me up here, or via e-mail / Messenger at email@example.com