The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei
WHY BECOME A MISTRESS?:
Some Unexpected Pleasures
"When we are flat on our backs there is no way to look but up." - Roger W Babson
"For my readers who have already tasted the heady wine of total control over a submissive
male, this question may seem absurd. The answer is so obvious: being a Mistress is fun.
Female Dominance offers the Mistress a cornucopia of delights. (The submissive male enjoys
it too, although there are moments in scene when he may not seem to do so.)
But why should a woman enjoy forcing her beloved husband into a humiliating costume of
corset, high heels, and ruffled sissy panties? What would make a man, often a powerful, highly
paid professional, gladly submit to a severe spanking while so attired? What is so much fun
about playing power games?
The reasons generally fall into three categories. First, the joy of escape into a fantasy world.
Second, the sheer sensual delight of the costumes, the risk, and the physical stimulation.
Third, the bliss of sharing the deepest possible intimacy
and trust with another human being.
The Joy of Fantasy. No matter how pleasant and fulfilling your daily life is, sometimes you
need to escape from your role as responsible adult, dutiful worker, or dedicated f****y
member. The more stressful that role is, the further it is from your own deepest impulses, the
more you need an, escape from the limitations of everyday life. Some people use alcohol,
d**gs, or gambling to transcend their ordinary lives, but these activities generally prove to be
both destructive and unsatisfying. But the escape provided by a rich fantasy life can be
constructive and extraordinarily fulfilling. Instead of destroying true intimacy, shared fantasy
increases it. Instead of harming the body, sexual release helps it. Instead of stifling the needs
of your true self, fantasy allows you to express and realize your deepest needs - and in the
process, fantasy brings forth a new, stronger reality.
A New and Powerful Self. The practice of Female Domination allows the Mistress to express
her power, the tough and controlling part of herself that may be unacceptable at work or in the
community. When you assume the role of
Mistress, with its attendant garb, behavior, speech, and rituals, you may feel like you are
becoming someone else. In the process, you will find yourself allowed to say and do things
strictly forbidden in ordinary life. Paradoxically, that someone else is yourself - just a part of
yourself that you don't ordinarily allow to speak.
The transformation is uniquely liberating. Letting your wicked and powerful inner self out to
play is more than a sure cure for stress. In Jungian terms, it is a way of integrating your
Shadow, the hidden and rejected self
Becoming a Dominatrix may at first seem schizophrenic, especially if you are still a nice girl.
Later you will find the Mistress's powers infiltrating your daily life. For example, you may
become more assertive in ordinary situations. If you can imagine commanding your leering
male boss to lick your shoes for daring to take a liberty with you, you may react with the proper
icy disdain (plus lawsuit) when he sexually harasses you, instead of asking yourself what you
did to invite his unspeakable caresses. Eventually your Dominatrix self will be, not the opposite
of your usual self, but a playful intensification of it.
As a Mistress, you will be able to command the respect you may not otherwise receive,
because on many levels, our culture devalues the female and exalts the male. Every day
women suffer the onslaughts of power-maddened males, from rowdy construction workers to
condescending bankers. (Congress alone should turn any self-respecting woman into a
Dominatrix.) It is a positive pleasure to come home from an encounter with a stupid, crude, or
demeaning male to a sissy maid who worships and adores your divine femaleness. A properly
trained male submissive will respect all the attributes of the female, from our pedicured feet to
our delicate panties to our beautiful hair. And yes - our power as well.
Moreover, you will enjoy the thrill of rebelling against all the deluded creatures (male and
female) who taught you that men must be placated, appeased, and served. As a Mistress, you
will order a male to placate, appease, and serve you, a welcome change.
There is also the simple excitement of power, which has been called the greatest aphrodisiac.
Having your commands obeyed, your womanhood worshipped, and your lightest wishes
treated as urgent commands is extremely arousing. You will learn to revel in the wicked thrills
of power: forcing a man into helpless bondage, ordering him to act as your maid, demanding
hours of oral service from his willing mouth and tongue. The infliction of play punishment
becomes a thrilling experience, for your blows (which he deserves and desires) will not only
produce gratifying evidence of your power in the form of tears, cries, and reddened nether
cheeks, they will also produce a change in your partner's behavior. Most of us wish to have an
effect in this world, and being a Mistress produces quite entertaining and immediate effects.
A practical pleasure, but one not to be scorned, is the maid service a wise Mistress can extract
from her submissive. Most women must beg, nag, and scold their men into doing housework,
to no avail. Whether doing housework is part of your submissive's fantasy - an it may well not
be - negotiating power play can make negotiating other roles much easier. If you have a sissy
maid, your housecleaning days may well be over, for he takes pleasure in serving. Cooking,
housecleaning, laundry (especially delicate hand laundry) can all become part of his sexual
satisfaction and evidence of your growing power.
A New and Powerless Self. But what pleasure does the male find in his embarrassing and
frequently painful role? He too has a Shadow, a self he cannot acknowledge or express in
ordinary life. Boys mustn't cry, or wear frilly clothes, or be passive; they have to be strong,
silent, macho men. His role as sissy maid or well-spanked schoolboy or diapered baby permits
him to express forbidden emotions and wear taboo clothing. If he simply wants, openly and
sincerely, to surrender his will to a woman, that need, as intense and undeniable as thirst, can
finally be slaked in scene. .
Given society's constant demands on men to be masculine, to take charge, to succeed, to get
it up and keep it up, to do instead of be, it is no wonder that some of the strongest, brightest,
and most successful males seek contact with their hidden selves through submission to a
woman's firm but kindly rule.
The pleasures of the submissive are the polar opposites of (and therefore closely akin to) the
pleasures of the Mistress. It is a truism that all polarities express the opposite ends of a single
principle or idea. Like yin and yang, darkness and light, submissive male and dominant female
need one another to be complete.
Moreover, the two are not simply opposites. Even the most severe Mistress takes pleasure not
only in compelling her slave's submission, but also in fulfilling his fantasies. Likewise, the most
subservient slave enjoys not only surrendering to his Mistress's power, but also gratifying his
own hidden desires. In short, however absolute the lady's command may seem, it is always
tempered with a concern for her submissive's satisfaction and well-'being. And likewise,
however abject a slave may appear, he is in some sense in control of the situation, for if he
refused to respond, the Dominatrix would no longer be in charge. The two roles are symbiotic.
Moreover, a submissive never starts out powerless. He must have power in order to hand it
over to his Mistress, who holds it in a blind trust until he needs it back. That may be at the end
of a scene, after renegotiation, or even at the end of a lifestyle relationship.
Nothing Could Be More Natural. The first power we all know is female. Although not all
women are interested in exercising that power as a Mistress, both men and women find a
certain innate fitness in female Dominance. It is a return to c***dhood and the loving rule of our
mothers, who might punish but who always forgave.
Although all women start life as daughters, not mothers, they must someday move forward
from being a powerless c***d to being a woman in authority. Becoming a Dominatrix is one way
to celebrate your innate female strength. Indeed, every woman, whether she becomes a
mother or chooses not to . bear c***dren, must experience the transformation into a female
authority in order to become an adult and truly her own Mistress. (This is true even of female
sub missives, who find their greatest joy in surrender; choosing to surrender, choosing their
own Dominant, understanding and fulfilling their own sexuality, is a position of genuine power -
power surrendered, but nevertheless consciously known, used, felt.)
This transformation was considerably simpler in the days when Goddess worship was the rule.
Without taking a stand on any specific form of modern Goddess worship, I must say that when
the Feminine face of the Deity is neglected, things go sadly wrong. (See Chapter 2 for more
information.) Even without a solid religious structure to help a young girl deal with her passage
into womanhood, she must learn to accept and use her innate female power.
Sensual Enjoyments. Aside from the psychological satisfactions outlined above, there are
physical pleasures unique to Dominance/submission, relationships. The role of Mistress is both
demanding and sexually satisfying. The role of submissive - whether maid, slave, schoolboy -
can stretch a male to his limits bur ends in true, deep release.
Intense Stimulation. The submissive male enjoys female Domination . because it feels good.
His major reward is erotic pleasure of an exceptionally
intense and prolonged nature. Some of the components of that pleasure may not seem too
enjoyable - spankings, enemas or diapering, foot worship, cock-and-baIl torture - but they are
pleasurable, partly because they are so intense, partly because they promote a psychological
letting-go that enables a male to achieve a splendid orgasm (if his Mistress permits).
Perhaps the prime sensual enjoyment is the one least explicable to those who have never
played the game. Intense stimulation may seem like pain, but it is not (primarily) pain. The
deep muscle stimulation of a spanking or paddling; the sense of compression inside a tightly
laced corset or a locked male chastity device; the overwhelming feeling of being possessed
that comes from anal penetration; the smaller but still intense sensations from the plucking of
pubic hairs, the pinching of nipples, or the pricking of the male's glans: all these are intense
stimulations. Under their influence, the male forgets himself and his worries, becoming no
more than a sexual toy for an all-powerful female tyrant. His mind cannot drift toward work or
money or any other mundane consideration. He is bombarded by sensations - some painful,
some pleasurable, some mixed, all intense.
Within the world of the fantasy, all these feelings are not only permitted but encouraged. And
they are enjoyed at the will of an imperious and often capricious Mistress, so the additional
psychological stimulation of suspense is added to the already overpowering physical
sensations. Best of all, he is not permitted to spoil the stimulation by reaching orgasm.
The sensation of being simultaneously urged forward and held back, both whipped and curbed,
is the great defining experience of male submission. The result is stimulation added to
stimulation, multiplied, reduplicated, intensified almost to screaming point. Then the sudden
release of orgasm.
Restraint, even f***ed restraint, increases male sexual satisfaction. Too many men, seeking
immediate release, rush through foreplay and intercourse, frustrating their partners and
shortchanging themselves. Under the tuition of a Mistress, such males learn that their sexual
satisfaction must be delayed until the lady has had her fill of pleasure. A skilled Dominatrix will
prolong the male's sexual arousal, simultaneously forbidding and encouraging it, and thereby
give him the great gift of true release.
The Dominatrix enjoys prolonged stimulation as well. Both the demonstration of her power and
the subduing of her slave are quite arousing, but she often (if she is wise) has another form of
pleasure available to her. (And it's good for her partner as well) I refer to the ancient and
sacred practice of cunnilingus. Few women can get enough of this luscious activity, while
submissive males find it the ultimate act of worship. It fulfills the twin criteria of intensity and
restraint, for the male submissive kneeling before his lady's Shrine is overpowered by his
nearness to her most intimate secrets. Nevertheless, he cannot mar the experience by
climaxing too rapidly, especially if the Mistress has had the forethought to fasten him into a
secure chastity device. (See Chapter 8 for an illuminating discussion of ways to maintain
control of your submissive male while you are close to swooning with your fifth orgasm.)
The Freedom to Feel. Paradoxically, many people find Dominance and submission fantasies
liberating. Under the feigned duress lies real permission to go and enjoy acts, clothes, or
sensations that are otherwise strictly forbidden. Moreover, the submissive need feel no guilt for
enjoying these things; not only did his cruel Mistress f***e him into those ruffled panties or that
demeaning position of servitude, she also "punished" him for his transgression. The scenario
of misbehavior, punishment, and forgiveness is a classic Aristotelian plot that often both actors
their traditional catharsis.
The submissive's release often includes tears. During Dominance play, many sub missives
resolve other tensions in their lives. Some males cannot cry except in the context of the game.
Others need to express other taboo emotions: fear, anger, rebellion, contrition, or
helplessness. After his forbidden outburst, the
Mistress punishes him and then offers forgiveness and consolation.
Submissive males, especially those in positions of extraordinary responsibility, also seek
respite from the stress of constant decision-making. It's a relief to be told precisely what to do
and how to do it, to have the penalties for mistakes so clear-cut and so immediate. A session
of schoolboy discipline, for example, may be painful but it is also sure to have a happy ending.
Real life is never so well choreographed or so satisfying.
Forbidden Silk and Lace and Leather. Yet another attraction of female Domination is the
chance to wear different clothes. Costumes, like uniforms, transform and identify their wearers.
For the submissive male, who must wear tailored suits and strangling neckties to work, a
maid's uniform or a small boy's clothing represent a break with the grind of daily life and an
escape into the freedom of a new self.
Many male submissives enjoy dressing in women's clothing. Female garb is the ultimate break
with society's standards for manhood: deeply shaming, for every male is raised to despise the
sissy, yet also compellingly erotic. Women's clothing, with its soft textures, its lovely colors, its
delicate construction, is designed to be sensual. Furthermore, it has the attraction of the utterly
taboo. A man in female dress is far beyond the bounds of the acceptable and is therefore free.
Lastly, it is associated with women and their mysteries and the sexual bliss they may grant the
male. Many males believe (wrongly, God knows) that, women's lives are far easier than men's.
Is it any wonder that they seek an escape in the clothing and accessories of the blessed
Sharing Intimacy and Trust. Without trust, a healthy Dominance/ submission relationship is
impossible. Only trust allows partners to discuss their fantasies in the first place, much less act
them out in great detail. Especially if the fantasy entails servitude, bondage, humiliation, or
pain (and what submissive's fantasies do not?), the deepest possible trust is necessary to
make the relationship work in the long term. Though some people find it easier to share their
sexual secrets with strangers, many others find such trust takes time to build. For them, onenight
stands are out of the question. It is impossible to pick a man up, learn his needs, fulfill
them and yourself, and then disappear, all within the space of a few hours.
By giving over his body to his Mistress, a submissive male is saying, "I trust you completely."
But what does that trust entail?
First, the Mistress is responsible to know and respect her partner's limits. If she stays too far
within his bounds, he may feel frustrated, disappointed, and unsatisfied. If she crosses the lint:
too far, he could be hurt, emotionally or physically. Learning how to push a man to his limits -
and not beyond - is a complex process, and it takes time.
Nevertheless, once that trust has been established, it is one of the great sources of joy in a
relationship. My submissive husband trusts me with his body and knows I will not hurt him
more than he needs; he also knows that I am responsive and loving to his more conventional
needs, and that he can trust me with his life as well as with a razor, some soap, and his
Perhaps most important, sharing fantasies deepens the bonds between partners. A submissive
man who knows his wife or lover understands his deepest sexual needs (needs he may have
always been too ashamed of and too frightened to share) will be contented, faithful, and
affectionate. A Dominant Woman who understands her husband's fantasies well enough to
construct a satisfying scene for him will also understand other things about him, and she will
be strong enough to demand her rights should he attempt to grow domineering in their daily
relationship. Marriages in which the Wife is Dominant are often the most egalitarian and the
most truly satisfying. Furthermore, the Dominance/submission relationship is often played out
as a switch: one time he takes control, the next he does. Such trust and intimacy are bound to
help make a very happy marriage.
If you are interested in the step-by-step creation of such intimacy, skip Chapter 2 and go on to
Chapter 3. If you still have doubts, read Chapter 2 before you go on.
The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei
THE RELUCTANT MISTRESS:
Learning to Love Command
How shall I rule over others, that hath not full power and command of myself? - Francois
Despite the catalogue of the pleasures of Female Domination given in Chapter 1, you have
turned to this chapter. Therefore I deduce that you are suffering some conflict over your role as
Mistress. You may feel guilty or ashamed about your fantasies of Dominating men, or you may
be in love with a man who has submissive fantasies and wants you to act them out with him.
(He probably gave this book to you, unless, in a valiant effort to learn, you purchased it for
yourself.) And you, wishing to please him but unwilling or unable to Rule him, feel lonely,
confused, unhappy, repelled, or utterly inadequate. Possibly you yourself are a submissive,
and despair at the thought of ever assuming authority.
Is it possible for you to learn to love command? Can you become a happy, effective, and
satisfied Mistress? YES! Not every Female Tyrant started life with fantasies of punishing and
controlling helpless males. Many learned first how to go through the motions of Dominance
play and only later came to enjoy the experience.
Not only will this book teach you how to become a Mistress but also how to have fun doing so.
It is scarcely my intention to oppress Women with yet another duty owed to males. If, after
listening to my suggestions and giving the fantasy a reasonable trial, you find that you do not
enjoy Female Domination, don’t do it! If your male still insists, dump him. No one has the right
to f***e you into sexual acts that make you feel uncomfortable. However, you do owe yourself
a chance to try to understand and enjoy this new realm of experience. You may find that you
enjoy it very much indeed.
If you have long-standing fears or conflicts over sexual issues, do yourself the greatest
possible kindness and see a ther****t. The process may be painful, bu. (given a decent
ther****t and your own willingness to work) it can change your life.
The Repressed Dominatrix
Is it possible to be a Domme and not know it? Absolutely. That's why it's always worth trying.
Remember, if you hate it, you don't have to keep doing it.
I've known several wonderful Dommes who managed to go through twenty. thirty, forty years
without noticing their own deep need for sexual control. Then something changed - a friend
suggested it to them, or they heard or heard a story that unleashed their needs: Then all the
repressed Dommeliness flowed back into their lives, energizing them sexually and giving new
depth and pleasure to their relationships. -
Because our families and society don't offer much support or many positive role models for
Women who need sexual control, it can be easy for us to pack away our dangerous desires
until it's safe to bring them into the light. For years after I became an active Domme, I kept
stumbling into memories of old fantasies and old activities that now, in hindsight, seemed
unmistakably Domme. The hours and hours I spent on the phone with my best friend when we
were f******n, planning to k**nap a male friend of ours, were a definite clue; the elaborate and
dark k**napping fantasies I had then had been totally repressed and forgotten until a friend
asked me for suggestions on doing a consensual k**napping scene. I'd also forgotten the
dungeon fantasies I had dating from my earliest years in school. The games I played with my
first lover - making him sit up and beg, roll over, even bark - were so Dommely that I laughed
aloud when I remembered them. I was sixteen then, but I had completely forgotten doing it.
Being a Domme wasn't emotionally safe for me then, so I saved it for the time when I was
strong enough to do it right. .
The Guilty Dominatrix
Perhaps you haven't repressed your needs. All your life you have fantasized about Dominating
a helpless male. Your dreams may range from (relatively) conventional spanking scenes to
fantasies of keeping a male as a sex slave to torment, tease, and control. But you have never
gone forth to find a submissive male. Why not? Here are some possible reasons:
1. You can't respect a man who wants to be Dominated.
2. You don't believe any men actually want to be Dominated.
3. You're afraid the real experience won't measure up to your fantasies.
4. You're afraid that you would or could seriously hurt the submissive male.
5. You don't believe that it's morally right for WOmen to Dominate men.
6. Your man (past or current) tried it and hated it. There's no point in trying again.
I shall deal with these problems one by one, in numbered order.
1. You can't respect a man who wants to be dominated. Somewhere inside, you secretly
cherish the image of the macho male so celebrated by our patriarichal culture. I could simply
dismiss this as an individual aberration (if you haven't noticed that Rambo is a homicidal
maniac and an asshole to boot, you're hopeless), except that this widespread attitude must be
demolished. Otherwise, strong and healthy Women may find themselves wondering uneasily if
their submissive males aren't, well, a little unmanly. Nothing could be further from the truth!
First, let's take a look -at the Rambo model of masculinity. (I could evince a dozen other actors
who have made this disgusting creature their specialty, but why advertise them?) His best
points are physical strength and willingness to defend his f****y or his honor (usually the
latter). His worst points are a deranged predilection for v******e, unveiled hatred and contempt
for Women, unwillingness to listen to reason, and total emotional isolation except for an
occasional Female bedmate (who is killed off by the end of the film) and his male buddy (and
God knows they scarcely share much real feeling, unless committing mass murder together
can be called a sharing experience). He doesn't think, read, feel, or talk. He kills. His only
emotion is rage, and all too often that rage is turned against Women, who in these films are
always either pure good passive Females (almost invariably victims) or slaughterous bitches.
Is that real manliness? Do you want your sons growing up to behave like that?
A submissive male, on the other hand, serves, honors, and respects Women. He can feel; the
whole point of the fantasy is often to provide an outlet for emotions our society has defined as
forbidden to men. His deep emotional connection to his Mistress enables them to share the
But is he strong? Absolutely. He would lay down his life for his Mistress. And he's likely,
statistically speaking, to be a high-earning professional, an intellectual, a powerful man with a
responsible job. A man who needs the release of letting someone else decide and choose for
once; a man who understands that his Feminine side, crushed by the ceaseless demands of
his work, must find some expression in his life.
The modern ideal of manhood is based on the machine. No, not just any machine, a machine
gun. The submissive male's ideal of manhood is the medieval ideal, a man sworn to serve and
protect an all-powerful Lady; he is proud to wear her favor, to show the world the Woman to
whom he owes allegiance, love, and service. Though he can fight, he can also love. He is not
ashamed of his emotions or his spirituality. He is both a poet and a knight; a complete human
being. And he longs with all his heart to serve his Mistress.
Which man is more worth your respect?
2. You don't believe any men actually want to be dominated. Just look in the classifieds of any
alternative newspaper. They're begging for it A man may be too shy to tell you his fantasies on
the first date, but just you suggest it and see how fast he'll jump at the chance.
3. You're afraid the real experience won't measure up to your fantasies. Possibly it won't at
first. Developing a shared fantasy takes time and trust. Follow the detailed instructions given in
subsequent chapters, and you'll have both a healthy relationship and a satisfying role as
Mistress. After you've grown used to actually commanding a male, mere fantasy Rule will
forever seem flat and pallid to you.
4. You're afraid that you would or could seriously hurt your submissive male. There are really
two issues here: Could you hurt him? and Would you hurt him? Could you hurt him? It is
possible, but get given detailed instructions (for example, the ones in this book) and a
reasonable amount of care, serious harm is exceedingly unlikely. Ever a severe spanking won't
kill him. But you may have a deep, hidden fear of the harm a Girl can do to a boy. Did your
parents ever warn you against harming men? Try to bring these issues to the surface and deal
with them before you set up your first scene.
Would you hurt him? That's another question entirely. Look inside yourself. If you do wish to
hurt a man, please see a ther****t and get rid of your rage before you try to act out your
fantasies. I am not answerable for the consequences if you don't listen to this warning.
5. You don't believe that it's morally right for women to dominate men. Your moral beliefs are
between you and God. But if you are open to argument, please read the section of this chapter
entitled "A Defense of Female Domination."
6. Your man (past or current) tried it and hated it. There's no point in trying again. Yes, there is.
Especially if the man who hated it is no longer your partner. If your current man tried and
disliked the experience, try talking with him about it. What was the problem? Was he
uncomfortable with the intensity of his emotions? Did it evoke c***dhood feelings of
helplessness or pain? Did he feel rushed into too deep a servitude? Did he feel uncomfortable
using the safeword? Was there a specific act that bothered him? Would something else work
If discussions go nowhere (he won't talk or won't say more than that he hated it), maybe you
do have to choose between acting out your fantasies or staying with your current partner. But
more often, you'll find that he liked it, but it went on too long, or something you said reminded
him of his mother (a sure passion-killer), or he simply felt silly wearing high heels and would
have preferred to be tied up.
With time, a guilty Dominatrix can relax and enjoy enacting her most secret fantasies. You
already possess the most important quality needed for a Mistress: the willingness to rule. Once
you actually take charge, you (and the submissive males in your life) will have a wonderful time.
The Unwilling Dominatrix
The truly unwilling Dominatrix has no fantasies of controlling males. She may just be
uninterested in playing games with the balance of power in her relationships; she herself may
be submissive; or she may be revolted by the idea of hurting someone.
These three types - the Bored, the Submissive, and the Terrified - all deserve individual
-The Bored. If you are not interested in Female Domination, and several attempts have failed
to arouse any spark of desire, try reading the rest of the
book. You may simply never have found the right scenario. If nothing here appeals t9 you, it's
probably safe to say that you are not and will never be a Mistress. No matter how fascinating
others find the subject, you cannot be talked into Female Domination. Try another fantasy. You
can be a sexually powerful, loving, strong woman without doing FemDomme.
-The Submissive. If you are a submissive yourself, you understand the joys of being
Dominated, punished, and consoled. Consequently you may feel that the place over the knee
is rightfully (and delightfully) yours. However, some of the best Dommes I know started out as
submissives who widened their repertoire. Best of all, you don't have to give up the joys of
submission in order to enjoy Dominance. As a switch, you automatically double your chances
for a date at any play party, and you get the best of both worlds.
It's worth trying the Dominant role a few times to see if you enjoy it. You may prefer to have
different partners for each role - one person to Domme you, another to sub to you - or you may
enjoy switching with your primary partner.
If you yourself cannot do it, but the idea intrigues you, make up a wicked s****r and step into
her Dominant personality. Use your imagination to create a world in which you are the cruel
Mistress and your partner is me infinitely punishable bad boy or sissy maid or whatever his
specific fantasy is. If he is at all fair (and he should be), your mate will reciprocate with an
evening of whatever kinky activities you crave.
Of course, you may find that you are a hard-wired submissive with no Dominant tendencies -
but at least you've tried.
-The Terrified. If you are terrified or revolted at the thought of Female Domination, you may be
facing one of two problems. (Maybe both.) Perhaps you believe that any Dominance play is
sick, that it leads to the devaluation of Women or to real ****, mayhem, and murder, and that
anyone who tries it is well on the way to becoming America's next serial killer. Or you may hold
more tolerant opinions of Dominance play in general, but the idea of your taking part deeply
distresses you. These two attitudes might be called the Political and the Personal.
Political Terror. Dominance play can be a difficult problem for a committed Feminist. (As a
committed feminist myself, I should know.) I refuse to toss around sneering terms like "political
correctness"; I respect your stand, though I disagree with it. But I would like to point out that
power is ineradicable in people's lives, and that playing conscious games with it is far healthier
than allowing it to remain potent and unexamined, causing problems behind the scenes. Aside
from the usefulness of Women trying on the role of Tyrant, all consensual Dominance play
teaches the shared, symbiotic use of power. Consent works both ways. Just as not all
intercourse is ****, not all power games are evil manipulations.
Your objection could be more psychological: you may reject Dominance play because you are
disgusted and frightened by the horrors of nonconsensual sadomasochism. You are right to
fear the psychotic few. Bur the link between consensual fantasy and violent crime doesn't hold.
People who engage in Dominance play or even in Dominance fantasy rarely commit sex
crimes; most of them refuse even to hit their c***dren, an act strongly endorsed by traditional
culture. The two types of Dominance are totally different, not just in degree but in kind. I like to
drive fast, but I'm no carjacker. I break the driving laws when I go over 65 mph, and so does
carjacker when he steals a Mercedes at gunpoint, but I don't think the two acts are
comparable, or that driving too fast in my elderly station wagon will make me steal somebody's
sports car. Or, to put it in other terms, somebody who enjoys a rare steak isn't necessarily a
Doesn't consensual Dominance play lead to harder stuff? (Shades of Reefer Madness.) No. In
fact, if Jung is to be trusted, people who are aware and accepting of their forbidden desires
(the Shadow) are far less likely to have them erupt in a way that could devastate themselves
and everyone around them. Anyone mentally healthy and aware enough to deal with
Dominance fantasies in a consensual relationship is exceedingly unlikely to go on to
There is a further logic problem to assuming that Dominance games lead to dreadful results.
Don't fall into the trap of Krafft-Ebing, the Victorian psychologist who wrote the seminal work on
sexual deviance, Psychopathia Sexualis. His case histories (which range from n*********acs to
a man who had sex with a chicken) all gleefully note that, without exception, these perverts
had been known to masturbate. Therefore masturbation caused their sick behavior.
Unfortunately for the good doctor, almost everybody else masturbates, too, and few of us have
been known to ravish domestic fowl, much less dig up graves. That's like saying that breathing
air causes death, because all people who die have breathed air.
Personal Terror. If you are seriously distressed at the thought of Female Domination, you may
be dealing with deeper issues than who gets tied up tonight. I will gently explore these issues,
and then, as always, I will recommend that you discuss them with a competent ther****t.
Perhaps that sounds comic, but I mean it seriously. If you are absolutely psychologically
unable to take charge sexually, whether during intercourse or only in fantasy play, you have
unnecessarily limited your range of expression. A ther****t can help you find out why and help
you free yourself from your fears and inhibitions.
The intense distress you feel at being asked to Dominate a man may even be cognitive
dissonance: the clash of conflicting identities. Reared to be passive and accommodating to
males, you are faced with an impossible situation: to accommodate the man you love, you
must cease to be passive. This is a classic double bind; you cannot with any comfort or peace
choose either alternative. Consequently, you are miserable. When you realize that he is
miserable too, you may feel even worse. How can you make a fuss over such a small thing?
It is not a small thing, I assure you. The ordinary sex-stereotyping of our society is destructive
enough; it makes Women who are strong or fat or smart or otherwise "different" feel like filthy,
unlovable monsters, crimes against nature. (I will say that the Female Dominance culture is
generally very accepting of such departures from the weak, thin, dumb blonde who is
apparently the belle ideale of our culture.) Adding Female Dominance to the list may make you
feel like a total freak.
Worse yet, you may have suffered additional experiences that sensitized you to the problem.
For example, if you were reared with a violent father, as I was, ordering a man to do your
bidding may be completely beyond you. You've learned to lie low, lest your abusive father
destroy you. Any attempt to repress your feelings and f***e your way through the situation may
result in serious psychological harm. Yes, at some point you must confront your terror and
realize that your taking command, even in play, will not result in your instant destruction, but I
beg that you will do so only in the care of a qualified counselor. This took me years of therapy,
but the pain was well worth it, because I was able to reclaim my power not just in the sexual
arena but in all the other areas of life where I had been hiding from my own strength.
Some Women reared in such dreadful f****y situations may not be passive, but may espouse
egalitarianism with a zeal that makes Female Dominance - or any Dominance - psychologically
impossible. If you are one of them, you will not serve, but you will not Rule, either. Power
belongs to the cruel parent, and with a fierce-pride you refuse to touch it. Your own carefully
built self-image would shatter if you did, for you would be f***ed to see that you are like the
monster who made your early life a misery.
Neither of these attitudes is especially healthy, though God knows they are understandable.
Power in itself is not evil, and the playful exchange of power between consenting adults is a far
cry from the thuggish brutality of an abusive adult terrorizing a helpless c***d. With professional
help you can reclaim the strength in yourself that your mate sees and desires, and learn to
exercise the Rule you were born for.
The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei
FINDING (OR CREATING)
A Submissive Male
"Attempt the end, and never stand to doubt; Nothings so hard but that search will find it out. " -
Robert Herrick, "Seek and Find"
Inaugurating a lifetime of blissful Female Domination may be as simple as taking command
one night in bed. Or it could be as time-consuming as placing a classified ad in the local
alternative newspaper, screening your respondents, and choosing one for the honor of being
your sissy maid. In ordinary circumstances, however, the process is laughably easy, once
you've accepted your Dominant nature. (This chapter may be skipped by Mistresses who
already possess a submissive male. You should proceed to Chapter 4, even if you've already
begun to Rule him.)
Retraining Your Partner
The easiest way to find a male to Rule is to look in your own bed. As Dorothy so sagely
observed, the best place to search for what you want is usually your own back yard. If you
have Dominant stirrings, your partner has probably already responded to them, albeit
u*********sly. In fact, he may have been attracted to-you precisely because you are a
In the days before I was conscious of my own Dominant desires, I was puzzled and amazed by
the numbers of males who hinted to me that they sought to submit themselves completely to a
Woman. I didn't even pick up all the hints at the time; many became clear only after I became a
practicing Mistress. Yet I was giving off all the signals proper to Dominant Women: I was
strong, sexual, confident, and perfectly willing to rub a male's nose in the dirt, at least during
But even I, who was glad to demolish a male's intellectual pretensions with a single scorching
phrase, needed to overcome a certain learned passiveness. Sexually and intellectually I was a
tigress, but all too often during relationships I became a kitten, which was disappointing to
males and damaging to me. Despite my natural sexual aggressiveness, taking that next step
was a huge hurdle. Let me make it easier for you, dear Reader. I will tell you exactly how to
teach your partner to accept Female Domination. (I presume you have already accepted it in
yourself. If not, go back to Chapter 2.)
Easing Him Into It. You may wish to start him out gently, if you've been a passive partner so
far. Start by taking command in bed. Don't just lie there and wait for him to touch you. Touch
him. Pinch his nipples: most submissive males respond strongly to this, though some hate it (in
which case it makes an excellent punishment). Stroke and knead his buttocks. Ask him to go
down on you. Then, when you are ready for intercourse, get on top of him.
If he responds badly to all this energy on your part, you may have a problem. Possibly he is a
Dom, in which case you need to talk. Or perhaps he is not a Dom, but just a jerk. Is he
domineering and inflexible in other aspects of your life together? Is he intensely jealous and
possessive of you? Does he take offense at your independence or your opinions? is he touchy
about his male pride? Maybe you should get a new man. Even if you're willing to keep Female
Dominance no more than a private fantasy, consider dumping this guy. He could be
dangerous. Even if he isn't, life is too short to waste on a macho jerk.
Most males, on the other hand, are thrilled when a Woman takes the sexual initiative. While
sharing the afterglow, tell him how much you enjoyed taking charge. Ask him if he's ever
fantasized about being dominated by a Lady. If he says yes or maybe, you are home free.
Propose a fantasy session in the near future and skip to Chapters 5 and 6 to get full
instructions on preparing the scenario.
Even if he doesn't admit to fantasizing about serving a harsh Mistress, he may be intrigued by
the idea. Find out what his sexual fantasies are and try to blend them into a Dominance
For example, if he loves cunnilingus and can't get enough of it, suggest a scene in which
worshipping at your Shrine is a reward for obeying you for an hour. Start him out on light
obedience: hand-washing your panties, perhaps giving you a bath and then rubbing you all
over with warmed lotion. If that idea arouses him (and if he's human, it should), act out the
scene, remembering always to stay in command! You might slap his buttocks lightly for a
fancied mishandling of your panties, but don't do a full-fledged spanking if he doesn't respond
Then allow him to offer you the oral servitude that is his reward. Once you've had as many
orgasms as you please, allow him to come by masturbating with a pair of your panties, the
silkier the better. Resist the temptation to push the scenario too far into heavy obedience or
serious punishment. If he enjoys a pleasant first time, he will be hooked, and you will be well
on your way to total control of a male.
If he isn't willing to try even such a simple scenario, you must not give up hope. Steer him
toward catalogues, stores, and fiction that emphasize Female Rule. Only when he has made it
clear that he isn't interested and never will be should you abandon hope.
The Deep End. If you've always been sexually aggressive with your partner, or if you've
already tried out various fantasies together, your best bet might be to spring Female Rule on
him. Plan the first scenario (using the instructions in Chapter 5 and 6) for a weekend when you
both have time for lengthy sex play.
This technique is more likely to fail when your male is under serious stress, so a weekend or
vacation is the best time.
Then send him out for the newspaper and, when he returns, take over. You should already
know him well enough to guess whether he would be more responsive to a Victorian
Governess-scolding him for disobedience and promising him a thorough caning, or a leatherclad
Amazon threatening to tie him to the bed add use him sexually, or an imperious Queen
demanding instant maid service. Tell him the safeword and then enjoy.
Afterward, discuss the details of the experience, your reactions, and his reactions, and make
plans for another session. You're on your way to a zesty and satisfying life as a Female Tyrant.
Finding a Submissive Male
If you're currently between men, or you've decided to ditch your uncooperative partner, there
are several ways to find a submissive. These suggestions also work well if you prefer not to be
involved in a romantic relationship with your submissive, but simply want male maid service or
Wanted: Sissy Maid for Dominant Vixen. One place to look for a partner
in Dominance / submission games is the classified ads of your local alternative newspaper.
Free weeklies such as the City Paper (published in Chicago, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and other
cities) or unconventional newspapers such as the Village Voice offer reasonable ad rates;
many have special sections for people looking for unusual sexual activities. Most even offer
If you live in an area that doesn't support an alternative newspaper, you may still be able to
use a classified ad. The specialized publications that cater to Dominant Women and their
partners offer classified ad sections with national distribution. Sometimes Women's ads are
published for free in these publications, as long as you include a photograph of yourself. Many
of the picture ads in these magazines are those of professional Mistresses, however. If you are
an amateur Dominatrix seeking a continuing relationship, your ad may be misread. It's
probably advisable to stick with the newsletters that feature word-only descriptions; they are
aimed at a different audience.
You may choose to answer a man's ad, place your own, or do both. If you answer the ad of a
submissive male, make sure your reply is not a supplication but a firm, even stern statement of
your needs and desires. Do not permit him to to boss you; many submissives test the
prospective Mistress to see if she is really in charge. Stay in command!
Your own ad should be clear and authoritative, as befits a Dominatrix. Make it clear what you
expect from the submissive: service only, a romantic relationship with full-time Dominance, or
a romantic relationship with occasional sessions of discipline or maid service.
Many males ask to see a photograph with your reply, since they too often judge Women with
their eyes only. You may choose to provide a standard photo or have a friend take specialized
pictures of you in Mistress garb. (Use a Polaroid or digital camera, and black out your
identifying features at first.) Or you may, quite rightly, refuse to provide any picture at all until
you've established a rapport with the submissive. Remember, you are in charge. He is
supplicating you for your favors. There are many more submissive males than Dominant
Females, and they have to compete for our attention. (A great change from the meat-market
If you do advertise or answer ads, follow some elementary safety tips when you respond to
letters or messages. Correspond with the man or men for a while before you meet. Get to
know more about the submissive than his fantasies. Is he someone you would be interested in
dating, -even if you weren't going to Dominate him? Does he sound sincere? Does he have
any weird or dangerous ideas? What is his romantic history? His job history? Is he married?
When you do decide to set up a meeting, don't try to start off with a scene.
Meet him for lunch in a public place to see if he is clean, attractive, tolerable. Tell a friend
where you will be and with whom, and have a safe call set up, so she will call the cops unless
you contact her at a specified time. Let him know he is on probation; you have other males
applying for the position of sissy maid (or naughty schoolboy, or whatever), and you must
interview all of them before you choose whom to honor with your Rule. Resist any pressure to
go off with him right away; waiting sharpens desire. (Anyway, you are in charge, not him.) And
get HIV tests before you even consider swapping any bodily fluids. Yes, I realize that you must
wait six months for a clean test, but you don't want to die for a fantasy, do you?
Furthermore, sharing a satisfying Dominance scene absolutely requires knowledge of each
other, knowledge not easily or quickly gained. You have to develop a rapport, a trust in one
another. Two strangers trying to play out a fantasy together is just too pitiful and too
unsatisfying for you, a Mistress, to endure. The one-night stand is for lesser Women who have
not yet realized that they control their own sexual destiny, who fear (poor deluded Girls) that
the male will vanish like smoke if he isn't instantly sated. As a Dominatrix, you know better than
Clubs and Social Groups. Another way to meet submissive males is through specialized
social groups and clubs. If you wanted to meet a stamp collector, you would join the local
philatelic society. If you want to meet a submissive male, join a group like PEP (People
Exchanging Power), the Connecticut Leatherfolk, The Eulenspiegel Society, Black Rose, the
Society of Janus, or your local group. They advertise in alternative papers and in the national
newsletters for Dominant Women.
Although many groups accept only couples and single Women, usually the members know
unattached submissive males who are clean, presentable, and disease-free. A personal
recommendation is often the best way to meet a submissive. Furthermore, these groups can
give you fresh ideas, emotional support, and an active social life. Even if you already possess
a submissive, you might want to look them up.
Meeting Online. There are now so many websites, chat rooms, IRC channels, and forums
devoted to various forms of BDSM that I cannot possibly list them all. My favorite is still and
always the Adult Sexuality forum of CompuServe (GO HSX200), which offers a special section
just for power exchange. The local style is definitely reflective and intellectual, rather than
fantasy-based, but I know of more than a dozen marriages and five times that many serious,-
lasting relationships that started in HSX.
There are several potential pitfalls to meeting online. First, you may not know if your potential
partner is telling the truth about his age, sex, marital status, looks, interests, level of
experience, intentions, or anything else. If you do become interested in someone online, insist
on taking plenty of time to get to know each other, talk on the phone as well as online, and ask
for references from other people who have met him in 3D.
Second, online communication can be so intimate that it moves much faster than other forms
of romance. It's easy to fall in love with someone who seems to echo your every thought, but
that, in fact, is a clue that he's necessarily telling the truth. Even if he is everything he claims to
be, miscommunications and unspoken assumptions can wreck a romance. When all see of
one another is bare sentences, it's easy to fill in the background with what you want most,
rather than dull old reality. Talk about everything that's important to you, not just your own
developing passion. That's the way to keep things in perspective.
Third, he may be interested in hotchat or phone sex but not in a 3D relationship, or vice versa.
Figure out what you want and make that clear up front.. It's a waste of time and emotional
energy to try cyber Dommeing someone in hopes that you will someday meet, when he has no
desire or expectation of taking the relationship past the screen. Likewise, if he wants a
marriage to a Domme, and you want a stable of cybersubs to share hot fantasies, he's going to
feel used and exploited if you don't make your intentions clear.
I've been burned myself in romance and friendship online by people who were insincere or
exploitive. If he insists on-keeping your relationship a secret, there is a reason. He may be
sweet-talking you in one window while he woos the next victim in another.
I don't want to quench your enthusiasm for cyber, but it's a fast car on a very curvy road, and it
needs a lot of skill and attention to control. Cyberscenes can be incredibly hot, and most of my
best friends were met online. The information, support, friendship, and yes, romantic
possibilities offered by online communication mean that everyone can have access to great
kinky ideas - not just the lucky few who live in San Francisco or New York City.
The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei
MAINTAINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP:
Balancing Fantasy and Reality
"Marriage is a noble daring. " - Dryden
The better your relationship before you try Female Dominance, the less likely you are to
encounter problems after you first exercise your right to Rule. Nevertheless, any change in a
relationship requires a period of adjustment, and beginning to play out sexual fantasies is no
exception. This chapter will help you and your partner to adapt to the changes, avoid the
pitfalls, and savor the benefits of a Feminine Regime.
Personality Changes and Potential Bad Reactions
Female Dominance may change you - and him - in unexpected ways.
Although most of the changes will probably be positive, you could also encounter a problem or
It may seem that undue stress has been put on various psychological problems in the pages
that follow; these warnings are not a sign that every couple who tries Female Domination is a
pair of potential crazies, or that everyone who plays with power is secretly mad. However,
Dominance play may remind people of various cultural or personal problems, and I would be
irresponsible if I didn't address those issues. Most of you will experience minor problems, if any
Your New Power. After you learn to demand, to command, and to control in your fantasy
sessions, you may find yourself becoming more assertive in other situations as well. Especially
if you were timid instead of confident, Girlish instead of Womanly, you may undergo a deep
transformation. Such an increase in power is normal and natural. You have found a new
f***efulness, a new will, in yourself, and you are eager to exercise it. More power to you; the
world needs strong Women. However, your mate, your friends, and your colleagues may have
a hard time dealing with your newly assertive ways. And you may even go a bit overboard at
first, enjoying your new strength without considering how it affects others.
Where you once meekly let others interrupt you, you now speak up. Where you once offered
ideas tentatively, as a question, you now offer decisive pinions backed up by shrewd
arguments. You may hear comments about how much more energetic you seem, how much
more confidence you have. You could attribute your new power to therapy or assertiveness
training, if you like, or you could tell a few chosen friends about your adventures in the art of
Female Dominance. Why not share the pleasure?
However, if you find yourself constantly interrupting others, scorning their ideas, or demanding
service as a right from your colleagues, you may have gone too far. At home you may be
Queen of all you survey, but at work and with friends, you should be a Woman of balance:
strong, thoughtful, considerate, and firm. A Woman inhabits her own space fully but doesn't
seek to conquer others space, any more than she allows others to impose upon her. She
competes passionately - with her eyes on the goal, not with dirty tricks or cheap shots. And
when she wins, she is gracious to those who haven't won.
If you have stepped a trifle beyond the line in your first transports of pleasure, do not blame
yourself unduly. Time and awareness of others will help you grow accustomed to your
Queendom. The giddy sensation of dawning power should settle into a calm self-confidence.
Bad Reactions - His. A man who has always longed to surrender his will to a Dominant
Woman may find himself facing various ambivalent emotions the day after he has actually
done so. Perhaps the session was disappointing. Or he disappointed himself by being able to
endure less pain than he thought he could. Or he thoroughly enjoyed it but now feels less than
manly. Or the session brought up frightening memories or emotions that He must grapple with
or try desperately to repress.
-The Disappointing Session. This is probably the most common problem. Especially after years
of fantasy, a real-life scenario can hardly live up to the fabulous intensity of the submissive's
dreams. His fantasies may have ' involved deep humiliation, severe punishment, and slavish
service, but he wanted all those things, done in that precise order and in that exact way. As
abject and helpless as he seemed in those fantasies, they were carefully choreographed to
suit his tastes.
Even the best-planned scenario may not measure up to fantasy. Few sessions are perfect, and
some submissives may feel the whole scene is ruined by a single flaw.
Furthermore, there is an unavoidable distance between fantasy as it is dreamed and fantasy
as it is enacted; they are never the same. In fantasies submissives bear intense pain bravely
while totally under the command of an impossibly Dominant Female. The reality of a sore
bottom and a slightly unsure Mistress - or even one who is confident but simply different than
his dreams - may be a crashing disappointment to him. That gap between dream and reality
can mar even a skilled Mistress's best efforts, especially the first time. This reaction is less and
less common as you go on with Female Domination, as you understand each other's fantasies,
grow accustomed to your new roles, and learn to relax and enjoy the mental dimension of the
fantasy as much as the physical intensity.
Reactions to the imperfect session differ, depending on your submissive's temperament. He
may become depressed, feeling he will never find the perfect Mistress. He may blame you for
not living up to his standards, or he may merely feel that your Dominance style doesn't mesh
well with his needs. If he accepts that the first time is never the best, that patience, practice,
and communication can build a very satisfying fantasy fulfillment, then he may be mildly
disappointed but more excited that he has actually enjoyed what he so long desired.
The ideal way for both of you to respond to the disappointing session is to discuss what went
wrong and why. The more you know about one another, the more openly you can discuss the
action and the fantasy, what worked and what didn't, the better suited to one another you will
-The Disappointed Submissive. Sometimes the scene will go smoothly, but the submissive will
be disappointed anyway - not in the session but in himself. He may have dreamed of taking
heavy spankings and then found himself hurting and distinctly unaroused. Instead of gaining a
sexual thrill from serving you, he found himself a little bored as he scrubbed out the toilet.
Clearly he hasn't lived up to his own fantasies, or so he thinks.
The real problem here is that the two of you aren't engaging the fantasy intensely enough.
Merely performing the actions appropriate to Dominatrix and slave aren't enough; you must
spice them with fantasy. An inexperienced submissive cannot bear much pain, so you must
make him believe that a very mild castigation is the most intense punishment possible. In the
context of the fantasy, it is. See Chapter 5 for specific recommendations.
-Post-Submission Anxiety. You've gone through a very successful session, in which you kept
the whip hand the whole time, forcing him into the submission he longed for, and giving him
(and of course yourself) a spectacular release. Afterwards, he tells you that was the best,
better a thousand times than any fantasy. So why is he anxious, hostile, apologetic, or
depressed the next day?
Post-submission anxiety generally occurs in a man who is secretly ashamed of his submissive
tendencies. He may feel that he has lost or betrayed his manhood by submitting to you. He
may feel sorry that he has "f***ed" you into doing something he finds shameful, selfish, or low.
He may be feeling a sense of self-disgust that he ever indulged in such practices. He might
even be disgusted with you for participating, or angry, or contemptuous.
To some extent, you can soothe his anxieties by encouraging him to discuss them and
listening calmly while he does. Offer reassurances appropriate to the situation and his feelings.
Understand that mixed feelings are common about any sexual experience, much less one as
heavily tabooed and emotionally charged as fantasy Dominance play.
Many people involved in power-exchange play have ambivalent feelings about their fantasies
and needs. Our society doesn't offer healthy models of that kind of sexuality. Instead it gives
us the image of the Marquis de Sade or Jeffrey Dahmer for male dominance, and every
crushed. bleeding battered wife ("see, they really enjoy it or they wouldn't stay") for female
submission. And these are considered the natural gender roles!
For those who defy the culture's prescribed gender roles, the situation is even bleaker. We
have no image at all of Female Dominance, unless you count the desexualizing and vicious
attacks on strong women in public life (they're always referred to as ballbusting bitches, and
the remedy for their power is ****; their sexuality is supposed to be expressed entirely by
castrating males). If a man wants to be submissive, he is a pussy-whipped Caspar Milquetoast
and no real man at all. (Real men dominate Women, not submit to them.)
During the heat of fantasy, it's easy to let the inner desire drown the voices of the censorious.
But the next day, the cultural models may come back to haunt you - or him. If your submissive
male feels ambivalent on the morning after, it's only natural. However, if he tries to reassert his
maleness by (literally or metaphorically) pushing you around, stop him immediately. You
cannot get into that kind of game. If necessary, stop playing out your fantasies while you work
out the problem. You may want to see a couples counselor or seek individual therapy to help
you deal with - the anxieties.
- Flashbacks and Bad Memories. If anxieties persist, or serious depression results from
fantasy play, your submissive may be reliving certain painful memories. Many 'people who are
involved in power exchange play had healthy, normal c***dhoods but became fascinated with
the idea of Dominance and submission. Others had the kind of nightmare experiences usually
associated with daytime talk-show guests. I am not prepared to discuss whether all Dominance/
submission play is a displacement activity or a Freudian taboo-turn ed-ritual or a working-out of
cultural roles or even a product of reincarnation; we just don't know enough to theorize
effectively, and anyway I am concerned with practice here, not origins. All I can say is that
some people who have Dominance/submission fantasies also have other serious power
issues, and that acting out the fantasies can awaken those issues.
What do you do if-he starts having nightmares, or becomes seriously depressed, or starts
having flashbacks? Stop playing and see a competent ther****t. Immediately!
Serious Warning Signs. If he (or you) starts to show any of the signs of serious emotional
disturbance, get help and get it fast. If one of you becomes violent, depressed, or
inappropriately filled with rage; can't stop crying or can't get up to do anything at all; starts
thinking or talking of suicide, get help now. (Although very, very few players ever have such
bad reactions, you have to know what to watch for, just in case.)
Bad Reactions - Yours. Your reactions may be similar to his. You could be disappointed in
the scene or in yourself, or feel anxious over defying the cultural norm. You too could suffer
from flashl:5acks or other intense emotional reactions.
- The Disappointing Scene and the Disappointed Mistress. These two problems go together,
because your identity as a good Mistress is presumably bound up in how well the scene goes.
If it doesn't work out perfectly, you may feel totally responsible. After all, you are in charge. You
planned it, you were the Dominant one, and if you fumbled, or your submissive seemed
disappointed, you may feel like a failure.
If you do, reread the section on his disappointment. Few first (or second, third, twentieth)
scenes go perfectly smoothly. Remember losing your virginity? That too was probably
awkward, painful, embarrassing, or flawed, but that (I hope) didn't stop you from trying again. A
fulfilled sexuality, despite MTV and the advertising industry, isn't readily purchased whole, like
(or in) a tube of toothpaste. You have to work at it. (Pleasant work, but it does take effort,
intimacy, and commitment.) So it isn't necessarily your fault, and you shouldn't give up just
because you forgot how to fasten his bonds or neglected to give him something he wanted.
(And if he never told you he wanted it, that's his fault, not yours.) Keep discussing fantasies,
find out what worked and what didn't, and go on.
What about your own satisfaction? This is, after all, Female Dominance, and if you aren't
getting what you want from a scene, you need to re-evaluate your technique. It helps at first to
have an idea of what you do want from any scene: a sense of freedom and power, or lots of
stroking and orgasms, or a perfect pedicure. I've done plenty of scenes where I didn't see any
orgasms, but I don't always want them. Sometimes I want Domme-gasms - that wonderful rush
of power from being able to express the deepest parts of myself with a willing submissive.
-Post-Dominance Anxiety. Whatever your personal situation, you were raised in a culture that
demands that Girls be nice. Dominance isn't nice. Fun, yes. Fulfilling, absolutely. But not nice.
The next day, you may feel apologetic for hurting him or bossing him around. Worse, you may
feel that you've violated who you are. (You may want to reread Chapter 2.) The glimpse of
power you had may be frightening; you could be watching a whole new self coming to birth.
Talk about it. Write a journal about it. Don't just sit and stew, worrying that you're becoming a
monster. In all likelihood, you aren't. But if you have no one to talk to - your submissive may
not want to discuss it, your friends would be horrified - find a support group. You are rebelling
against all sorts of cultural imperatives by becoming a Dominatrix, and you need the support
and help of your s****rs.
Many cities have a chapter of PEP (People Exchanging Power) or local support groups (Black
Rose in Washington, DC, the Society of Janus in San Francisco, and the Eulenspiegel Society
in New York, for example). You may need to travel to find playgroups and support groups; it's
not uncommon for people to drive four or five hours to attend a gathering. I live in an intensely
rural area, but I only have to drive for two hours north or south to find support.
Look for other Mistresses' ads in the local free weekly (professionals' may not be helpful) or
put an ad in yourself, suggesting that you create a Dommes' group for discussion, support,
friendship, and the exchange of evil ideas.
Online forums can give even the most isolated Mistress a chance to make friends with
Dommes from around the world, as well as to meet GuyDoms (who can be incredibly helpful
friends) and subs of both conventional genders. GuyDoms also have to overcome early
training ("Don't hit girls!") and can become solid buddies, even if they do turn green and cross
their legs when you talk about CBT. Subs of whatever gender and orientation can help
convince you that yes, they really do like this! That can be a big help if your sub is not
I've known at least one Domme whose experiences with her first sub were so difficult that she
thought of giving up. However, when she sought and found support from others, she
discovered that there was nothing wrong with her instincts or actions; she was just sadly
mismatched with her submissive. Dommes tend to eel responsible for everything, and she had
Or, if you feel you'd like to explore some of these issues in depth, talk to a sympathetic
-Flashbacks and Bad Memories. If your anxieties persist, or serious depression
(results from fantasy play, you may be reliving certain painful memories. Whatever the facts of
your c***dhood, you may have come to associate wielding power with a devastating
indifference toward or even active hatred of the less-powerful person. In your c***dhood, that
was almost certainly you. To find yourself suddenly in the position of the tormentor can cause
an intolerable psychological shift.
If you feel this way, get help now. Don't just vow to quit Female Dominance; you cannot avoid
the issue of power. At some point you must face it, and better sooner than later.
Serious warning Signs. If you starts to show any of the signs of serious em9tional disturbance,
get help and get it fast. If you become violent,
depressed, or inappropriately filled with rage; can't stop crying or can't get up to do anything at
all; start thinking or talking of suicide, get help now. (Although very, very few players ever have
such bad reactions, you have to know what to watch for, just in case.)
-A Final Note. Despite all the warnings and concerns, I assure you that most people who play
Dominance games are actually happier with each other than couples who cannot share their
deepest needs and desires, whatever they may be. Nevertheless, as a responsible Mistress
and author, I feel I should let you know about some possible items of concern. Even if one or
several of these problems arise between you, you can overcome them if your relationship is
strong. After a brief period of adjustment, you should both become comfortable in the new
roles, whether you play occasionally or all the time.
Changes In Your Relationship
Just as acting out your fantasies may have brought up personal issues of power and
Dominance, it may do so with issues between the two of you. The individual changes are
bound to affect you as a couple. Honest discussion of the issues and your feelings can help
keep your relationship strong; indeed, the intimacy and trust created between you, as well as
your more active role in the relationship, are bound to make the commitment stronger and
deeper than ever before. What follows are a list of suggestions for dealing with Dominance
issues and a list of the benefits Female Dominance can bring to your relationship.
Dealing with Dominance Issues: Some Suggestions
-Keep Dominance in Its Place. Female Dominance is a wonderful game, but it has its limits.
You and your mate must decide what they are. Some couples use it as an occasional spice a
few times a year. Others prefer to play monthly or weekly, while maintaining a vanilla sexual
life or exploring other fantasies (even including male dominance). Many couples enjoy fulltime
Female Dominance, but they are beyond the scope of this book. The two of you should decide
early on approximately how often you want to have scenes and what your signal should be to
communicate that desire.
You must keep Dominance games in their place in another way: never use a discipline session
to work out a problem in your relationship or to take out your anger on your submissive. If you
have a conflict in the relationship, work it out by talking about it. Don't get it mixed up with
sexual games, unless you've already negotiated the right to punish.
-Stay Safe, Sane, and Consensual. The watchword for Dominance/submission play has
always been that it is safe, sane, and consensual. Keep to those principles. Don't take stupid
risks or do things you know are dangerous. Keep other emotional problems out of the
dungeon. And never play unless both participants are willing. Either of you has the right to say
no to Dominance play, just as you may say no to any other sexual contact. And never bring in
unwilling or unwitting partners or witnesses to your games. That's a species of psychological
-Honor Your Commitment. Always treat one another with respect. Don't mock your partner's
fantasies the day after a session, or tell your best friend about your activities without your
mate's consent. Yes, I've said you should find people you can share your experiences with, but
you must honor the privacy of what you do together. Talk to your mate before you talk to
-Talk. Communication is the key to a good relationship, and you should always be able to
discuss everything together, from the awkward feelings occasionally arising from a scene to
daring new fantasies. The more intimate you become, the better your sessions will be, and
vice versa. In the exhausted, satisfied moments after you've achieved release and ended a
scene, you may tap into deep emotions you've never shared with anyone else. You can share
them now, with your partner.
-Relax. Despite all the warnings, Female Dominance is a game, and a wonderful one. Relax
and enjoy it. Don't expect it to be perfect. Just enjoy the pleasures of command, of stepping
beyond your ordinary boundaries and becoming another person. Your submissive should
relax, too. The scene may not be exactly what he dreamed of, but then, what he wanted was to
lose control, not to keep it. He should let go and feel the intoxicating freedom of utter
The Benefits of Female Domination
-A Clean House. A recent survey indicated that 61% of Women would rather see a man do
housework than dance naked. They would also rather be married to a Danny DeVito lookalike
who did the dishes than a Robert Redford lookalike who didn't. You can use his fantasies of
submitting to a Female Tyrant not only for mutual sexual satisfaction, but also to keep the
house looking spotless. If you loathe housework and he gets an erotic thrill from running the
vacuum, I'd say you have an ideal partnership.
-A More Equal Relationship. Partly because he's doing some or all of the housework, your
relationship will become more equal when you begin to practice- Feminine Rule. Your new
assertiveness will carry over into other parts of the relationship, and his experiences of being
out of control of his own destiny should help him understand just how hard a Woman's life can
-More Intense Sex. Even an occasional dose of fantasy can serve to keep your sexual flame
burning bright. As a careful, loving Mistress, you'll get to know all the most sensitive spots on
your lover's body, a knowledge you can turn to good use when you're having more
conventional sex. Furthermore, you'll learn to ask for what you want in bed. Sex is always
better between two active, involved partners. Perhaps most important, the two of you will keep
your imaginations active and alive; boredom kills sexual desire faster than anything else
except sheer physical exhaustion.
-Deeper Trust. Rarer than good sex is trust. And once you've shared your innermost fantasies
with someone who helps you act them out, who doesn't mock or recoil or injure you, you know
you have established trust. The shared vulnerability of acting out fantasies can create a
wonderful new intimacy. Nothing can strengthen a relationship like trust.
The Mistress Manual
The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance
The Mistress In Action
The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei
ESTABLISHING YOUR AUTHORITY:
Ways to Make Him Obey
"That not impossible she/Who shall command my heart and me. " Richard Crashaw, "Wishes
to His Supposed Mistress"
Even before you plan and enact the first session, you must understand whence derives the
authority of a Mistress. Establishing that authority is the first thing a Mistress must do; the bestscripted
session will fail if the submissive cannot believe in and surrender to the Dominion of
What follows is a discussion of half a dozen ways to establish and enf***e your authority, even
while you are receiving the shattering pleasure of orgasm. Some are more effective than
others, but when all are used judiciously, in their proper proportion, they will produce a
contented submissive and a fulfilled Dominatrix.
Some of these ideas may seem far-fetched. Nevertheless, ordinary life, with all its worries,
fears, and stresses, has a death grip on most of us. We need all the help we can get to move
into the realm of fantasy. Deliberately choosing to suffer pain and suspense as a path to a
happy conclusion can exorcise the demons of doubt, fear, tension, and misery that most of us
struggle with every day. Changing our names, our clothes, our surroundings, our behavior, can
help us free the repressed inner self. The suggestions below offer ways to break the
stranglehold of reality and move into the glorious, softly lighted, ritualistic domain of our hidden
Because Chapter 6 is devoted to the art of planning, structuring, and enacting an effective
discipline scenario, I will not say much about it here, except to remind you that good scripting
is the first essential. A satisfying script will provide both Mistress and slave with a thoroughly
meaningful experience. Remember that it's the story that takes you and your submissive out of
your everyday selves, invests you with almost magical powers, and ultimately provides release.
Every technique I discuss in this chapter is a way to emphasize the story and make it more
vivid, intense, and believable. A hastily sketched, carelessly plotted fantasy is as boring as
most television. If TV effectively relaxed you and your partner, you wouldn't be reading this
book. You need a deeper, more individual ritual than you find in mass media. And books,
wonderful as they are, cannot be shared in the same way. Besides, sometimes you need to
act. Thus the script, the fantasy, and your compelling role as Mistress.
Furthermore, a good script will help you, the Mistress, remember who you are: the Woman in
charge. It also provides us with the useful theatrical metaphor, which so accurately describes
all phases of the Dominance/submission relationship that it might not be a metaphor at all, but
the literal truth.
Pain and Suspense. When most people think of Female Dominance, they think of pain, and
that is a great pity. Although sensation play has its place in a scene, it is not necessarily the
most important element. Suspense, the linchpin of good drama, is far more important, although
it cannot stand alone. Because pain and suspense work together so closely, I have de 'tided to
deal with them as twin aspects of a single topic.
To make any scene work, you must build suspense in your subject. Pain alone, even
humiliation alone, will not produce the tension and then the release he needs. Relying on
physical pain to produce effective subordination (a crude technique at best) ultimately fails,
because you have not made the pain meaningful.
Havelock Ellis, one of the earliest experts in sexual psychology, wrote that suspense, not
suffering, is what the submissive truly desires. For example, a strange Woman walking up to
him and slapping him would scarcely make him feel aroused. The incident might later provide
a basis for fantasies, in which the submissive would construct a story to explain the pain,
thereby adding suspense and significance. In short, it is the plot - the enacted drama - not the
punishment that gives the submissive release.
Controlling a male's body does not suffice to control his mind. Otherwise, he would spend
every minute of his work day thinking of work, every minute at the dinner table thinking of food,
and so on. You should know that even when he is bound to a backboard or f***ed into ladies'
clothing, you must supply him with fantasies (the script) or his mind will wander. In such
situations, of course, his mind is likely to wander toward fantasy anyway, but they are his
fantasies, which he chooses and controls, and will not be as effective for him and satisfying for
you as the fantasies and ideas you introduce. Even a heavily symbolic punishment, such as
spanking, can be felt as meaningless pain unless accompanied by a compelling fantasy - and
again, yours, if well-chosen and enticingly presented, will work better than his own.
No, the only way to control even the most lamb-like submissive is to control his thoughts.
Suspense is one of your most efficacious tools to command your submissive's wandering
attention. Anyone can inflict pain, but few people can make it erotic and fulfilling. If raw pain
were really what he craved, he could get into bar fights and be equally happy or even happier,
or drive his car into a bridge and suffer for months in a body cast. Neither of these dreadful
ideas (which I sincerely beg you will not consider, even for a moment) is in the least erotic.
Therefore, if you give him a smaller dose of pain, but a greater measure of suspense, he will
obey you more readily and respect you more thoroughly, and you both will be more fulfilled.
Using suspense effectively is the first mark of a top notch Disciplinarian, even one who enacts
the role of Amazon or Governess.
Mystery and Anticipation. Now that suspense has been demonstrated to be vital