danorth's Blog
Humor Piece 01 - Jack Schitt

I am not the author of this piece, and I can't tell you exactly where it came from. I have a file of old humor pieces such as this and will try to post those that I find funny. If you are the orginal author of this piece please come forward and I will add your name to it because you, my friend, are one funny person and deserve the credit that is due.

Now one other note, this is humor, no aplogies will be issued to any person or orginazation if you are offended, it is JOKE!

Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don't know Jack Schitt!”

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married the adopted daughter of his 4th cousin, twice removed. The young lady, known to all as O. Schitt, who the adopted daughter of the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. As mentioned at the outset, they had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Bull, the daughter of the well-known Indian Chief, Sitting Bull. Wanting to remain connected to her father’s memory she maintained her maiden name and was known to all as Noe Bull Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six sons: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt (obviously named in honor of his maternal grandfather), and the twins Deep Schitt, and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Dip Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as “The stupid Schitt”, and her marriage to Dumb Schitt, seemed to support the generally low opinion of her intelligence. But as it happens, the couple shared the same last name but was not directly related. Friends affectionately nicknamed them “The Schitts”. Their marriage produced no little Schitts.

The other twin, Deep Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire, which became famous for it's slogan: “Smell Like Schitt”. This product was packaged in a small container that was shaped like a crock. Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: “Put a dab of Schitt on your pits.” When the company launched its product into Australia, a third slogan was used successfully: “Smell Like Schitt Down Under”. Deep Schitt never married but being a modern woman had several affairs and named her out of wedlock son after the deodorant container that brought her fame and fortune.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Bull Schitt divorced. Noe Bull Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her offspring were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name but dropped her maiden name to become known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Jack Schitt was very lonely and depressed over his divorce of Noe Bull Schitt so remarried his grade school sweetheart, the daughter of the banker, F. Shinola. As grade school students, Jack and Fromme Shinola, looked so much alike that many would mistake one for the other. To this was heard “Well it is obvious you can’t tell Schitt from Shinola.”

Jack and his second wife went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and Ugglee Schitt, and established their home and business about 2 miles north of town on The Schitt’s ancestral homestead on Schitt’s Creek. Jack Schitt became an expert at building canoes, but never acquired the skills necessary in making paddles, hence the phrase, “Up Schitt’s Creek without a paddle.”

Meanwhile, Krappy Schitt married Loda Crap to become Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six off spring, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout their youth and subsequently married the Happens twins in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens sons were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Merda. There was great controversy over this marriage as her maiden name when translated seemed to make her a relative, but the direct translation is to the traditional 4-letter spelling of Schitt. Bull Schitt, who suffered from every grade school disease, was exceedingly skinny, as was his bride, and they were affectionately known in their neighborhood as the “Thin Schitts” Pisa had a lot of trouble adapting to the American life style and was the gossip of the neighborhood for her poor housekeeping skills. For a period some of the neighborhood woman referred to the couple as the “Thin Dirty Schitts”.

Now when someone says, “You don't know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.


Crock O. Schitt (Out of wedlock son of Deep Schitt)

Posted by danorth 2 years ago
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2 years ago
Thanks for sharing this...it's been a long while since I read it (don't remember where)...but it's funny...I like it! :)