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THERE WAS A YOUNG MAID FROM DARJEELINH WHO SAID SHE HAD NO SEXUAL FEELING TILL A SAILOR NAMED BORIS JUST TOUCHED HER CLITORIS AND SHE HAD TO BE SCRAPPED FROM THE CEILING JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL TO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER JILL CAME DOWN WITH £25 AND IT WASNT FOR CARRYING WATER… Read more

LEEDS UNITED v PETERBOROUGH 1-1 DRAW They did it again conceded the first goal and then having to chase the game. Did manage to equalize bit of a relief even had chances to win late on. Unable to beat a team at the bottom end of the table not good chances of a top six place and in the play-offs looks very remote time for a new manager open to debate always next time… Read more

CRYSTAL PALACE v LEEDS UNITED 2 -2 Draw Conceded the first goal did well to equalise before eventually taking the lead only to concede late in second to draw yet again a match that was there to be won. Has that dented any hope of a play-off place for this season who knows time will tell. So its Marching on Together towards the next match to catch the Holy Grail of 3 more points. MARKS OUT OF 10 6****** MANCHESTER CITY DO IT AGAIN ONLY THIS TIME ITS 5-0 CITY v UNITED CUP FINAL ?… Read more

We are back the man annouces to which LTS replies shut up some of us are trying to sleep don't you dare throw back the curtains oops I mean lower the zip. Why not said the man its time to play. What play you are having a Giraffe (laugh) you would get more attention at a Nuns convention I keep getting reved up and then find there is no where to go talk about the road to nowhere said LTS. What ever you do don't try and crack any Pope jokes.Why not said LTS because he's resigned and gone to live in a nunnery came the reply. LTS was quick to reply now that is a laugh surrounded by women at his age… Read more

I just have to regale this story if it was not so important I suppose it would be quite funny really. So here goes I had a visit today from the Boys in Blue more commonly known as the Police . It was with regards an attemted burglary at this residence almost a fortnight ago now I believe its what they call a Rapid Reaction force seen snails react quicker especially when you knock on their shells to ask where they are going sorry lost track for a moment. Their main concern was that I should not confront them my only thought is I know what I would like to do with their balls rest assured it woul… Read more

To carry on from where I left of before regarding the attempted burglary. Had to reort it to the Police now theres a whole new story. They was about as much use as a Hedgehog in a Condom Factory they said what ever you do dont confront them then in the next breathe they said would I be able to identify them I know I can be a bit stupid sometimes but if I am not supposed to confront how will I know what they look like and secondly it was dark anyway. Then they said had they left any blood behind my first response was why would I be liable if the little loves had hurt themselves I was relieved w… Read more

Right I have been waiting for this opportunity for a long while so here goes. Woke up this morning great February 14th its Valentines Day everyone what did I find I found that someone had made an attempt to break into the house but luckily they had failed. You have to ask yourself what sort of poor excuse for a human being would do such a thing. Many people would say they are the scum of the earth and are better than a****ls. I agree with them being called the scum of the but to call them a****ls would be an insult to a****ls which show more loyalty than a lot of these so called human beings.… Read more

The Teddy Bears have their picnic.… Read more

Well we keep getting cut off said LTS. Not surprised really you do go on a bit anyway she may have gone to bed. To which LTS replied that was my intention too only she was meant to take me with her. Dont be filthy the man replid. Well she did start it after all perhaps she can talk the talk but cannot walk the walk. Sad but true came the reply again we agree on something. Well yes course we do its only a bit of fun but there again did I tell you about the man with the little willey. No but save it for later times up for now.… Read more

What would you like to talk about today said the man. LTS replied I would like to talk some more about some of the contacts made on the Internet . Okay where would you like to start said the man. I will start with our most recent case when we made contact with a lady who said she does naughty thing with strange men and they dont come any stranger than you do they mate. Thanks for that LTS just get on with your story. Well it was actually our first contact so I felt a bit like a Jehovahs Witness knocking on someones door and then getting invited in for a cup of tea the fact being we dont normal… Read more

Firstly what I need to do is point you at the photo and give you a quick knuckle shuffle or hamshank if you prefer and when I say fire you fire okay. Message recieved and understood Sir reporting for duty Sir said LTC. After a few minutes came the cry fire at which point there was this massive eruption of white goo all over the photo to which LTS acclaimed mission accomplished Sir. The man was amazed they had finally cum together at last the little bugger did good praise indeed. Just one final thing LTS.Whats that Sir. Dont forget to blow your nose squad dismissed I give you the perfect TRIBU… Read more

Back again hopefully to carry out the perfect Tribute to the gorgeous girls. Right LTS are you ready for action this time. Yes Sir standing to attention and reporting for duty Sir.All rather formal today whats with the Yes Sir business you are usually rather a rude little bugger at the best of times. LTS replies only trying to be professional Sir anyway lower the drawbridge sorry I mean the zip on your trousers and let me out. O the times I have heard you say that anyway the man lowered the zip and let him out. LTS came out again coughing and spluttering thank God for that its bloody dark dow… Read more

The man having become aware that LTS was feeling flacid said you havent been on the booze and fags again as for deja vue Im lost. No I havent I am just a bit tired after watching all the gorgeous girls in the videos as for deja vue been there before do I really need to explain everything.Well I was thinking we could do a little training with regards tributes for some of the girls. Oh my God hes started thinking now I see trouble ahoy anyway cum back tomorrow will be ready and raring to go but for now I need more rest we do have work in the morning. Okay back tomorrow then sleep tight mind the… Read more

Just the other day having discovered the true meaning of the phrase will you tribute my photos used by some of the girls the man decided to learn the skills needed for the perfect tribute as he didnt want to let any of the girls down. Having thought about what to do next the man realised he could have a bit of a problem here The problem being he would have to get Little Toy Soldier to cooperate with him on this matter he was well aware of what a uncooperative little bugger LTS can be at the best of times.However he decided to give it ago anyway. So he gave LTS a call oi lazy bones are you read… Read more

With regard the last three phrases perhaps we should point out that these stories are meant only as a bit of harmless fun none of it is real. We will just remind ourselves of one final escapade. LTS said to the man do you remember the lady that sent you photos on a regular basis and who you considered to be a good friend.Yes I do said the man. She sent you some very revealing photos didnt she. Yes indeed the man replied.Until one time she sent you a photo of herself dressed from head to toe in rubber and what did you say shall I tell them or will you. Okay you tell them the man replied.You sai… Read more

LTS starts todays ramblings by pointing out we have to be careful what we say as someone changes the spelling of some words by blotting out some of the letters one person is even as daft as you they do not seem to realise the word escort was in reference to car what on earth they thought I meant heaven knows just goes to show you are not alone in your mixed up world also please do not swear you are on Channel 4 sorry I forgot myself I thought I must be on Big brother(British TV Programme) Anyway did not realise the word bloody was considered a naughty word keeps someone in a job I suppose.Anyw… Read more

The problem with these tall stories is that we keep getting cut off when in full flow.Anyway the next phrase you had difficulty understanding was the word Cuckhold again you turned to me and said but its not yet Springtime what on earth do they want a Cuckoo(Bird) for I have heard the phrase Cockatoo meaning 2 willies but never Cuckhold. LTS replied now you are jus showing off now getting Cocky now. I had to explain that it meant a married man watching his wife play with other men. To which you replied cant he go watch a football match same as most blokes. Big match Sunday Marching on Together… Read more

Well said the man what shall we talk about this time LTS (Little Toy Soldier to any new viewers). After a short while LTS replied seen as I am the brains of this operation I would like to talk about some of our interactions on the Internet. What you mean the Internet via a computer its a bit like an alien world really where they seem to have a strange vocabulary all of their own many words and phrases I had never heard of before finding this website . Again LTS was quick to respond I know what you are talking about it was the first time a lady asked you to Tribute her and you turned to me and… Read more

Yet another exciting episode of me and my little toy soldier. We left off at the point where LTC had just revealed the mans passion for solo sex but quickly came to the conclusion that the secret would still be safe as noone would be reading this anyway. To which the man replied thank God for that what would my mother say. To which LTC replied she would probably say wash your hands before you have your tea.The man replied it has been nice talking to you but I must put you away for now work calls.LTC final response being I hate work it makes me sick as well perhap next time we can talk about th… Read more

Welcome back one and all I can recall where I left off this time so I will continue the great adventures of My Little Toy Soldier.Having been released LTC said daylight at last I was beginning to think you mus be Gay the last time I saw any action I think Noah still had his ark that is how long ago it seems. To which the man replied what do you mean I must be Gay? Well said LTC lets take the last time I saw action you put the lights out then put a plastic bag over my head and then made me do press ups until I was sick all very romantic. But its called safe sex the man replied.The only safe sex… Read more