An Army View of Murphy's Law:
SITUATION - NORMAL - ALL - FUCKED - UPP
Most of these observances courtesy of Tim Heiss with some submitted by Eric Green and Brian Chapman and a few others.
If you are ignoring the skirmish in front of you, convinced it is a feint, it will turn out to be the main assault.
Your ability to locate a speed loader for your clips will depend on whether someone is shooting at you.
Tracers work both ways.
In the absence of cigarettes and chow there is always coffee.
The best way to tell if a patrol will be dangerous is when the new Second Lieutenant tells you no activity is to be expected.
When you want it done wrong, tell the new 2nd Lt to do it.
The most dangerous thing in the military is a brand new 2nd Lt with a map, a flashlight and some vague notion of something to do.
The best man between a private and a 2d Lt is the private. At least he knows where the latrine is.
In Garrison, it takes eight forms and six approvals up through the battalion commander to get a sign painted. In the field, it takes one private, a magic marker, and the the bottom of an MRE box.
The number of bullets you fire to scare the enemy depends on how scared you are. (variant: The number of bullets you actually hit the target with, depends on how many targets are shooting back.)
The fastest way to get a leave disapproved is to be truly indispensable.
Signal flares warn the enemy you're about to start shooting.
Star shells illuminate the enemy so you can see them, unfortunately they can see YOU TOO.
Medical kits never have what you need.
Suppressive fire doesn't.
If you are truly frightened on the battlefield, when it comes time to dig one, you won't have the time to dig a cathole.
The fastest way to draw an enemy attack is to run low on ammo.
You know who your friends really are if they'll look up your butt for a tick. (No joke there.)
If you're a Administrative Sergeant, you know you have it made when the Major has to make coffee for you, because the General wants you to make sure the paperwork is right. (There's a true story behind that one.)
Variant: A Colonel can be fired by a Corporal, if the General says so. (There's a true story behind that one too.)
Setting a booby-trap in retreat is a sure bet that you'll have to try to disarm it during the counter-attack so your own men don't set it off.
The fastest way to be put on KP is to complain about the food.
Army food is always a source of humor...since nobody can cry and vomit forever.
The idea of an Army is to train tough men to kill. The Department of War won every war it fought. Today, the idea is to train ladies and gentlemen to do it. Is it any wonder the Department of Defense has never won a war? (Duh?)
If the enemy is in range, so are you!
Friendly fire isn't.
Military intelligence is a contradicory term
Whenever your in a foxhole it always happens to be with someone braver than yourself.
The artillery always falls short of the target and the air support always overshoots the target.
Please keep in mind, your weapon was manufactured by the lowest bidder.
When does the enemy attack? whenever your not ready.
Who is always the first person to get shot? the medic.
The delay of your close air support is directly proportional to the size of the enemy mortar. (submitted by AndreAtlan)
It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about, but the one addressed: "To Whom It May Concern" (Submitted by Mike Sappington)
The next 11 were submitted by Carroll Martin IT3(CC)
5 people with 5 compasses will have 5 LZ's with the same coordinates. By adding in multiple maps the number rises geometricly.
The distance traveled of any OTH mission that begins at night increases as the sun comes up.
Friendly fire isn't.
Lone snipers generally work in pairs.
10 men at 2 beers apeice equals 15 cases.
If lost in the woods with a grunt, a sqid and a flyboy, always follow the sailor. The soldier wants to go to high ground for vantage point and the flyboy wants to sit and wait for retrieval, but a sailor just like water will follow gravity down to a point that there is generally water, which means a large clearing for better vantage and easier retrieval.
The time to consider ammo and fire discipline is before your short on bullets.
If it's stupid and it works it aint stupid.
Only superman could go faster than a bullet, and your only invulnerable until your not.
The safest place to be in combat is somewhere else, barring that then be on the winning side.
The winner never has defend against war crimes.
(the following were submitted by Michael Lousha)
All five second fuses last 3 seconds.
The simple things are always hard.
The easy way is always mined
If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
When you have finished securing an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
Things that must go together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
Body Count Math: 2 guerillas plus one portable plus 2 pigs = 37 enemy KIA.
Anything you do can get you killed - including nothing.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
If you make it tough for the enemy to get in, you can't get out.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will be given more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they are both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
Murphy was a grunt.
If an advance is going better than you planned, your walking into an ambush
(submitted by Jake M.)
50, 50, 90 Means if you have a 50/50 choice to make, 90% of the time you'll chose wrong. Old Navy saying. (Wes Miller )
The next four were submitted by R. McDonough
The Three most dangerous sayings in the Army... 3. When a Lt. says "It's been my experiance that....." 2. When a Captian says "Ok, I've made a decision" 1. When a Warrent Officer says "Hey....watch this....."
When ever you dump equipment before going into combat that you don't need....you will need it. (Like the boys who went to rescue the downed helicopter in Semolia, who dumped their night vision goggles because it was daytime....oops, the battle lasted into the night.)
The worst place to be standing in battle is next to a 2nd Lt.
Always go into battle with a buddy. It give the enemy someone else to shoot at.
What can’t go wrong will find a way to do so, given half a chance. (Giles Robertson)
Cover from bullets is never cover from artillery. (Giles Robertson)
If you are forward of your position, enemy artillery will fall short. (J.Buchan)
Having severed in both Naval Aviation and Army Airborne Infantry, this is one thing that I concluded: According to Naval Aviation doctrine: If the engines are running, stay in it. According to Army Airborne doctrine: When you get altitude, leave. (Michael W. Preston )
Murphy's First Law of Aviation. The most important information on a map will be located on a fold, witch is torn. (Joseph Martinez )
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