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Ryan put his keys in his pocket, stretched his back and tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. It had been eons since he had done something like this and although his nerves were second guessing him, it felt good. He took a deep breath, rolled his neck, strolled up to the porch and rang the doorbell. After thirty two beats of his heart (he counted) the door opened and Ryan smiled. Inaraa leaned against the door frame wearing nothing but a thin cotton tee shirt with an image of Chewbacca and the words kiss my wookie, plastered across the front. Ryan appraised the outline of her b… Read more

There is a whisper on the wind today, a secret carried by unseen currents, intended for those longing for change. Although my ears are not old enough to understand the language, the land has interpreted its meaning for me. I see it in the evening breeze as it gently caresses the long grass and stirs up the sweet smells of life. I hear it in the song of the late meadow larks, as they alone herald the setting sun. “The long winter dies. They say. The long winter dies.” I watch as the bass rise to the surface of the still pond, fiery in the setting sun, to hear the news. Deer move… Read more

In the beginning, there was darkness, and in the darkness lived a whole crap load of darkness dwelling critters, chief among them… Vampires. Seriously, those were the good old days. Everything was dark. There was no sun, no stars, no moon, even the chocolate was dark (dark and delicious). We Vampires ruled the world. Humans back then were pathetic pale, hairless little creatures that all seemed to resemble Woody Allen, and never gave us any grief. And why should they? We threw the best parties on the planet. We invented music, chairs, hicky’s and those wonderful Lil Smokey sausages. L… Read more

The trouble with love is that it is everywhere. You see it at the mall, the grocery store, the bookstore, at school, on TV, at church, in outdoor café’s, at indoor café’s, at the gym, on cruise ship’s, at airports, in the park and even at the zoo. Love surrounds us at all times but you can’t just reach out and take it. Love is the worlds most abundant resource and the most difficult to harvest. For those of us who have not yet found love in our own lives, love is like being thirsty on an island in the ocean, surrounded by water but unable to drink. Love is the treasure we all seek. It is… Read more

There is nothing quite as wondrous as a day off. Except perhaps for the sort of day off when you vow to do nothing more than lay about in a form of catatonic lavishness. Thursday was just such a day. After sleeping in much later than parental duties would normally allow and then soaking in a steaming shower until all of the hot- water reserves were depleted, I retired with a good book to the easy chair and settled in for a day of blatant time wasting. It was to be the perfect day; I had taken every precaution to ensure it. To my side was a glutinous pile of tasty snacks, including those… Read more

Like many, I am a clock-watcher. While at work, I watch with deflated enthusiasm as the minuets trickle by. At home, I watch with dread as my time rapidly vanishes with nothing to show for its passing. I am a slave to the clock, time is my master. Like any other slave, when I close my eyes and journey to the magical realm of fantasy, I find myself master of my master. In my dreams, I rule time. I can stop it, reverse it and if needs be, speed it up. I am a God among men. When I close my eyes, I have a super power. More than a fantasy, the ability to stop time is for me, an obsession.… Read more

Many of you do not know this but for the last year and a half I have been conducting a study in the tradition of Jane Goodall. Jane lived for many years among the apes. So deeply did she infiltrate their society that males actually began to proposition her to mate. The same is happening to me only instead of apes, I live amongst the toothless rabble that inhabits Seaside Oregon. Jane dedicated her life to preserving the apes she came to love so dearly, similarly, I am dedicating my morning not to preserve but to save Seaside from breeding itself back to the Stone Age. The males of the Seas… Read more

“The night’s too quiet Stretched out alone I need the whip of thunder and the wind's dark moan” I’ve stopped sleeping, forgotten how, I think. I try to sleep, turn off the TV, close my eyes, just doesn’t work. I can quote infomercials and sing jingles like nobody’s business. I actually get excited when the Snuggie commercial comes on. One night, I YouTube Snuggie and read blogs about it. What the hell is wrong with me? Snuggie? I love how the people in the Snuggie commercial look like members of a satanic cult, with their blood red Snuggies. I have searched for just… Read more

Ever find the answer to a question you did not even realize you were asking? Well it happened to me today and it was certainly a profound moment. Early this afternoon, I embarked on the two hour drive from Seaside Oregon to Portland, on a mission to retrieve a truck load of tables for a concert at our local convention center. I don’t know why I even accepted the task, it was pee-on work and Seaside is plumb full of just the kind of pee-on’s that would have leapt at chance to fully demonstrate their pee-on-ness. In hindsight, I don’t think I had a choice in the matter, God wan… Read more