This will seem like a major contradiction here but I believe in Christ wholeheartedly, but I am not your typical "Christian". Obviously I'm not a-typical if I'm here on xhamster and the first thing I'm talking about is Christ, but what I mean is I'm not religious! I have strong faith & beliefs, but I am not a part of any denomination nor do I go to a "church", celebrate any Holidays, practice any religious traditions/rituals nor do I wear any funny hats/underwear. This isn't the place to delve into my beliefs, but I feel I have to say it...not 'cos I feel I have to redeem myself or excuse away my sin...but to convey my inner-turmoil.
Ya see, while I am a true believer I also struggle with porn & masturbation addiction. I tell people that I am a virgin waiting for marriage...but this isn't true! Family members did things to me when I was a little boy that shouldn't happen to anyone that young. I am not using that as an excuse or a crutch and I don't buy into psycho-babble so this isn't some cry for help...just giving some background. Physically, since age six, I have remained a virgin and I tell myself I want to remain that way until I am married though it is most likely that I will never marry at this point? To marry is to find someone to fall in love with, commit to one another and to make love to start a family. But do I want to bring children into this vile world? I debate with myself on this all the time.
Mentally and spiritually though, I am not a virgin. In the period of my life after High School I was so jaded about God & my beliefs that I was in a suicidal downward spiral. It didn't help that I was a late bloomer and didn't start puberty until I was 18! I have since then made peace with God and strengthened my faith, but during that period of my life I had so much cyber-sex and phone-sex that I was reclusive to the real world. I was basically a nympho virgin and I still struggle with lust and relationships to this day. The truth of the matter is...I want to fuck so badly, yet...I still hold onto the pathetic hopes that I'll find the right girl and marry her and then do it properly only with her. I thought I had found her several times in the past, but I kept getting older and they kept getting younger and I kept lowering my standards and they kept breaking my heart...I kept my promise of waiting and they never did.
I found that most girls (at least the girls that were interested in me) were all rotten to the core. They pretend to be my fantasy girl, but ultimately they couldn't stand waiting for sex...especially if they had had it in the past. You may say "that's human nature" and yes, it is...we are wretched creatures, but I kept my promises to wait for them while they lied and snuck around and could not do the same for me. There may be "good girls" out there who are waiting, but they don't want me...they totally pick up on the lecherous vibes I give. These are vibes that most girls are creeped out by, but some girls love them. Too bad for me, the girls who are attracted to my vibes or to me...I don't really want...yet the girls I always aim for seem to be always out of reach. I don't believe in "types" or "leagues", but the problem is, most girls do! So I'm shit outta luck there.
In my dark jaded days I would conduct tests online. I had two AOL/AIM screen names (a normal one & a perverted one) and I would IM the same girl on both. With the "good" or "normal" screen name I'd show them my face pic and would either get ridiculed, ignored or blocked. Same bitches I would show my dick pic to and they would be interested and even give me their phone numbers within an hour of talking to me and we'd be having phone sex that night. Some would even tell me that they "loved" me or that I was the first to make them cum. Others would hang up or disconnect after they would cum leaving me high & dry! I would find out that some of them lied about their relationship status or what they looked like or even worse...their age. I had put all my confidence in this thing between my legs...not that I am that big or that awesome, but that girls seemed to like it more than me.
There were a few rare girls among them who would also like me or even my face pic (I had low self esteem through school, bla bla bla) and we would try to build lasting long-distance relationships...but eventually they would want the real thing, and I was not it. While I am still sometimes insecure about myself or my looks, for the most part I have grown out of that. I can make a girl cum without even fucking her and that's a confidence booster. I am now a lot more confident and not just 'cos of my 10" dick, but 'cos I have had real (not just online) relationships since those days with girls who I am still friends with even after things didn't work out.
During those days I had a lot of perverted ideas. See, mostly I don't like porn. Yes I know, a contradiction when you look at the thousands of videos & pics I have "liked" on xhamster. It's an addiction that has caused me to lose relationships, friendships...even threatened my job and my sanity. Not that I've looked up porn at work...NO, but rather I would have to nut so badly I've almost been late to work because of it. I have an addictive personality and if I don't cum regularly...I get beyond cranky. This could be part of the reason I won't have sex 'cos I know I'd get addicted to it and go crazy without it. So, back to the porn...I don't really like it. I love the female form and the idea of sexual things, but I don't wanna see some other dudes dong. In fact, I don't like the sight or pussy either for the most part...some are nice, but most look like a nasty trap that I don't wanna stick my dick anywhere close to.
I have seen too much porn already in my life and I had the idea for "anti-porn" alternatives. I guess some of those ideas started when I would talk to girls and when I would find out they were either freaks or liars so I would do nasty things to their pics. Some acted victimized, but other girls deep down...liked it. I would photoshop them with bigger tits, super impose my cock in their pics and even draw cumshots on them. I would write erotica for them or draw cartoons of them. I used to be a pretty good writer and drawer...but...due to my perverted ways I can mainly only write or draw sexual things now...sadly. I had tons of other ideas that I may share on here later, but some videos/pics on xhamster have already "beat me to it" when it comes to these ideas.
Some of you may find some of this all twisted, even for xhamster. I have lived a peculiar "sex life" if you could call it that. I have even been accused of awful things I have never done 'cos my perverse vibe is so strong people sometimes just look at me and assume I'm a rapist or pedobear or something. I hate that...and that is not me. I may seem to hate women, but I really don't and I know what rape is like and I would never do that. I like young girls, but that's only 'cos they have less bullshit baggage and not 'cos I get off on robbin' the cradle 'cos I also know what that's like and that's no good either.
So, what do I look for in a girl...physically. Hrmmm...
Breasts. There, I said it. I was the youngest of 8 and was never nursed. Some would say that I'm a pig or whatever, but it goes beyond the sexual aspect. Bustier girls are usually more flirty, perverted, sexual & confident...I like that. But I also like to hold a girl and feel nothing but maternal softness...makes me feel like a man to pick a girl up and hold her against me with her breasts pressing against my chest. People have different ideas of how big, but I wouldn't reject a girl 'cos they were "too small" or "too big"...but I am attracted to bigger. It depends on the size of the girl too. If she's really slim then a C or D, if she's average/athletic build she has to be D or more, if she's bigger than she should be be proportionately that much bigger in the bra. What's funny is, I know more about bras than most girls do and most girls wear the wrong size anyways.
Voice. Voice is probably the most important. Can we talk, convey our feelings...does the sound of her voice make me feel better or is it annoying? Is what she saying comforting me or helping me...or is it mealy-mouthed and meaningless? I love to hear a girl laugh, to hear her sing, to hear her moan. NOTHING more erotic then a whimpering sigh of satisfaction from a girl I've made weak with my love. Screams, squeals, cries, ohhh's & ahh's and the always hot mmm's when she eats, when she lays against me or when we kiss.
Face. Mainly eyes, but yes, the face is important. For a person like me who has had too much time on a phone or on a keyboard with talking to girls I much prefer "face time". I like a young face with cute features...freckles, dimples, glasses, sometimes braces and pigtails...oh yes, pigtails. Hair is important, not many girls can pull off short hair (though it's mega cute on some girls) so I mostly prefer long hair! I love redheads, but I find many of them to be too ditzy sorry to say. I stayed away from blondes for a long time 'cos I seemed to believe they were "too good" for me, but I'm more leaning towards them these days 'cos of that unobtainable challenge. However, I like all kinds of ethnicity & hair/eye colors so I couldn't pick just one.
I like this girl in particular. She's different, not usually what I go for. I feel sometimes she may be my last and best chance at...well...something. She's highly sexual and sexy, but that's not the reason I like her. Sure attraction is important and it's fun to think about what all we could do...but, I like her for her, not for the way she projects herself. She doesn't have baggage, she's fun, she's energetic, she's healthy, confident, independent & social...things I would like for myself and she's inspiring for me to become more like that! But more than that, she's a friend. Things may have changed between us since we've kissed and I would love to be with her, but sometimes I feel I'm destined to be alone. Sex is important in a relationship for her...and we've talked a lot about it...but not as it pertains to us. I do believe that if there's anyone who could match my nymphomania...it'd be her, yet I don't think I could really give her what she wants...though, for her, I've considered it.
New info on the above girl:
I didn't think she'd do me like most girls have done, but apparently she doesn't want sex from me, she pulled the: "I care for you too much" card 'cos she thinks sex is too important for me. If sex was that important to me then I would've already had it...no...what's important to me is having a relationship with it. I mean, I considered having sex with her, but I knew it probably wouldn't be meaningful for her nor give me a lasting relationship with her. So, my other option was: hey, maybe we could still frolic (make out, foreplay, make each other cum, etc.) without going all the way, but I don't know how to ask her for such a thing especially since she put up the "I don't wanna hurt you" wall. For someone who's so carefree about love & sex, she suddenly now has a conscience when it comes to me? Either I'm very ugly or something else is wrong. At this point we've stopped talking which REALLY sucks 'cos I really wanted to experience some things with her that I thought would be fun...and not just sexual things!
Some may be confused by my virginity when I seem so sexual. I have done many sexual things...just, I have never had vaginal sex. Part of me is afraid that I might be too rough (another possible reason I haven't had sex) so while I am open to giving anal sex I feel sorry for the girl I do that with. But here are some things I like...
Foreplay. Hand guiding, touching, groping, kissing, masturbation...ya know...foreplay. I have done this before for hours with girls and I can tell by the look on their face that they love it, but they also feel tortured by it. It's like a mind-fuck to do everything but have sex with them. I slap it against them and make them look at it and say things like: "You see lil' girl...you see how deep I would go inside you're lil' body?" and watch them squirm. I like searching for their whore buttons and triggers and then abusing that power over them. I like to whisper in their ear while they lay there shaking. I love to watch them masturbate while they stare at my cock...I love to make them cum and squirt. I love to smell them on me and put my scent on them.
Cumshots. The main goal of doing sexual things is to get your rocks off right? I have had girls complain that it takes me too long to cum, but I like to take my time, break her down. Not 'cos I wanna dominate her, but 'cos I want her to know how passionate I can be. I have had girls suck me until their jaws were tired. But they crack a weak smile when they sense it coming...I love the anticipation, especially the first couple of times I blow my load on them. Will they be disgusted, surprised, scared, humiliated, excited, delighted? Looking down at a girl when I'm unloading on her face and tits I can see all of these emotions in their facial expressions and giggles and sighs...they go through a myriad of all these feelings all at once while I cover them in my love. That feeling is absolute bliss. To bitches who think that's nasty or try to dodge...fuck you, you miss the whole point of a blowjob...it's to make him blow his load all over you. If you let him have that power over you...you will find that you will have power over him!
Tittyfucking. Ohhhhh...it is the softest sexiest thing ever. All the blood pumping into my cock as it grows harder between the softest pair of breasts nestled next to her equally pumping heart. There are so many ways to do it too and it's fun...it also leaves you open to talk while doing it or even make-out while doing it or even better combine it with oral sex. I am not bragging, but I can fuck a pair of F-Cups and her throat at the same time! It feels so good! I like bustier girls 'cos they can handle me better...I have made every girl who's given me head choke. So if her throat get's tired or she can't take it...all she has to do is wrap her tits around it and she's got me! You can be more rough with tittyfucking than you can with throatfucking too! And I love when a girl entices me with sexy bra's or a shirt that shows some cleavage...it's all I can do from grabbing her by the bra-straps and tittyfucking her right out in the street. I have unbelievable restraint but I think about this all the time!
I believe women...are...fucked up. Don't get me wrong, guys are too, but it's mainly due to stupidity and we've had 6 millennia to be this way. But with women it's like taken them 6 short decades to get even MORE fucked up than men are. Only a woman can demand sexual appeasement while in the same breath demand that you not sexually objectify her in such a WTF kinda way.
They also send way too many mixed signals cunningly and subconsciously in a way that makes you love them and hate them all at once. You hear women complain about having to "friendzone" guys just as much as the guys who get stuck there. Maybe you would not have this recurring problem of guys getting the wrong idea about you if you weren't teasing them so fucking much. Give most guys an inch and you've given them days upon days of fantasy masturbation material.
Most of them also hold sex over a man's head when it's actually THEY who want the sex more. I think it's less about sex and more about ATTENTION, which then brings in jealousy bull shit. I think that's why a lot of girls don't like my choice to wait for marriage because they feel they've lost their "power" over me.
A woman will also act like she's hot shit yet complain about her body all the time (I'm not pretty, I'm too fat, etc.). You're not hot shit, you're just talking to starved guys and they make you think they actually want you when in actuality they'd scrap the bottom of a barrel to get their rocks off. And listen ladies, most level-headed guys would prefer a girl who was not whining about her appearance and instead be confident in herself!
Fat girls...yeah you! You're not ugly or fat or unwanted...you've just given up on yourself. You're unhealthy, have no confidence and mainly just are fucking lazy. You can have a shitty diet all you want, but you combine that with laziness then you are fucked. Hardcore exercise and eatin' health foods...whatever...but what's better is to have confidence in wanting to change and staying active and not be fucking lazy...DO SOMETHING besides mope around and feel sorry for yourself. Also, instead of being bored all the time (only boring people get bored) and eating in excess out of boredom is just disgusting gluttony.
Many girls also think that they're somehow better than "certain" guys...like they make up their mind right away on if they would fuck a guy or not. A good-lookin' guy could be a pig and make crude sexual comments at her and that's acceptable if he's cute enough to them...yet the same bitch will victimize herself and run away from a guy who is nice to her if he's not cute enough for her. Bitch you're not "better" or "worse" than any other human being...people who think that way is what leads to hatred. Are some people more attractive to you than others...sure, but call it what it is...shallowness. It's not that he's not good enough...it's that he's not good LOOKING enough for you, you conceited twerp.
Speaking of playing the victim...some girls play that game at least once in their life...sometimes it's a phase or sometimes it's all they know. Every guy is a monster who "eye-r*pes me. Oh no, I'm so sexy some guys just can't control themselves around me. ZOMG I have this creepy guy stalking me everywhere...he's so obsessed. My bf is so jealous it's scaring me...bla bla bla...most of the time this is just a fucking game for, yet again, ATTENTION!.
I believe all females have a "fuckit list"...ya know, a list of things to fuck before they die. Most all of them want to be ravaged and romanced. Some girls thrive on simply new experiences rather than good ones...that's how they fall into spirals of doing things most people wouldn't do otherwise. Some girls have domination on their list whether given or received. Every girl wants a huge cock at least once in their life or once they've had one they want bigger still and become size queens (part of me understands that, I mean, if they feel objectified then they probably feel good to objectify back). Some are so insatiable they want unrealistic fantastical things like orgies, gang-bangs and stuff you'd only find in porn. In the pursuit of fantasy they convince themselves that loneliness can be overcome by polygamy, swingers clubs, etc. Also at the top of most every "fuckit list" is one-night stands, lesbian encounters and being treated like a dirty whore at least once in their life. Then, there's the princess aspect, where they want to be romanced and swept off their feet by a handsome man who will marry her, "make love" to her and so they get all the ATTENTION on their day. There's that word again, ATTENTION, that's why they dress, talk & act certain ways too...but with that there's also exhibition and being some kind of "display"...not just modelling and celebrity status level of display, but also what leads some girls into pornography I would imagine.
On top of the "fuckit list" a lot of girls just have an order of events laid out in their love (or should I say SEX) life. Now sometimes this order gets all fucked up for a poor girl 'cos she's molested, raped or some other sexual (and even non-sexual) tragedy effects the order or chaos in their list. Now-a-days the order mostly goes like this:
-first poke (find a not so cute guy ('cos he'll worship you and treat you right) to "get experience" with then move on)
-first love (usually a better looking prom night guy)
-new experiences (away from home and away from the bf it's time to experience new cocks at college)
-wild oats (let's fulfill most of our "fuckit list" with guys at parties & clubs)
-the hunt (if she hasn't found the elusive "huge cock" by now, she
will...even if it means going to the ghetto, this usually means the "fuckit list" is nearly complete)
-the fiance (let's re-capture that first poke & first love events all in one handsome guy who has a bit more experience and worships you and sweeps you off your feet)
-the princess (look at me, I'm in a white dress walking towards my happily ever after, "fuckit list" complete)
In this regard (following steps or completing her "fuckit list") girls will view guys not as lovers or partners...but as stepping stones. What many first poke guys don't realize is that girls used them before they themselves got used...they do this 'cos they're trained to believe that if they don't screw someone over first, then they'll get screwed. Sometimes they'll even view themselves as stepping stones as a way to cop-out from something. For instance, they may flirt with you or even fuck around with you JUST to stay in practice, but then when you try to go further with it they'll say shit like: "I value our friendship too much" or: "I don't wanna hurt you" or: "I'm not good enough for you". The "you're a good guy" cop-out...yeah BULLSHIT.
Rejection...women, come on. Everyone else can see (his friends, your friends and people who don't even know you) when most guys like you...why the fuck can't you see it??? Stomp that shit out sooner before it becomes a problem. Yes, I realize some guys get delusional and nothing you can say or do will get them to stop liking you...BUT...why did they like you in the first place...'cos you led them on. Maybe you didn't mean to, but stop sending mixed signals (you know what you're doing) and be clear. Awww...you afraid of hurting his feelings...you afraid that you are SO HOT that rejecting him is gonna send him into an unhinged suicidal spiral? Get the fuck over yourself...he'll latch onto his next obsession in no time if you send him on his way instead of sending him mixed signals. You are nothing more than a masturbation cum stain to most guys, don't act like rejection is going to kill a guy. True rejection let's him know where he stands if done properly. Do not hang out with him ALONE if you don't want anything more than friendship 'cos most young guys are dumb and will start deluding themselves into thinking that it means something, when it doesn't. If you're not interested, don't touch him, don't flirt with him and keep the conversation from going "there" so that he'll eventually get the point.
Going hand-n-hand with the above paragraph, why is it assumed that when a guy asks you to do something (get something to eat, go to an event, etc.) that it's 'cos he wants to get in your pants? Maybe he likes you as a friend and wants to get to know you better. If it's just you two alone or he's calling it a "date" yes...he wants more. But if it's neither of those, he may just be friendly and seeing what goes from there. What I hate most is the "preemptive NO" which is like saying: "I have already made up my mind, we're not having sex"...bitch, who the fuck asked for sex? I wanna see if you're cool before ANY of that shit...and if you're a preemptive strike bitch then you're not cool...you actually think you're too good for me??? Fuck you then, at most I probably just wanted to nut on you...not fuck you...and that's only after I get to know you and see if we're compatible for dating.
Sometimes, the unbelievable power of "love" (actually, just the female orgasm) can break all the above rules. A girl will remember the first guy who made her cum, who made her multi-orgasmic, the first to make her squirt. Reason & logic go out the window then. This is why, even after they've dumped you and moved onto the next guy, they still come back for some satisfaction from time to time regardless if she has any love or feelings for you.
Girls, I find, are also a lot like monkeys. Monkey see, monkey do. When in a relationship if the guy (for good reason) gets mad/sad/upset, that's free reign for a woman (without reason) to flip the bitch switch and do the same. When in an argument shit (feces) that doesn't matter or from the past will get thrown around. And when a monkey isn't happy swingin' around on one vine it will get a good grip on the next vine before letting go. A girl who's not happy swiingin' on one cock, will get a good grip on the next one before letting go of the one she's with. Girls like ATTENTION, so making two gorillas fight over them makes them wet.
Favorite gals & vids...
She may be one the most beautiful girls in all existence. I have a thing for Asian girls (I had an absolutely gorgeous ex who was part Asian) and the pinnacle of them is Yoko. She is highly sexual, yet classy...she never did nudes or sex, but she had done everything but until she "retired". There are way more/better videos of her online, but not so much on xhamster.
Young, sexy, blonde, glasses, cute, slim & busty...she reminds me of the girl I like. Shyloh is pretty hot and she does hot things on webcam like in the 2ND vid...I love fake cumshots...they're fun. She's also modelled for some websites like cosmid.
Princess Dust AKA Jaqlynn
This punk bitch has done tons of webcam shows including her having sex. I like her for her crazy hair and huge tits, but she's kind of a bitch and kinda dirty...oh well, I'd nut on her.
I like it when girls dance & bounce around...this girl is a dork playing air guitar to one of my favorite bands (YES, though...someone put in different music over this video) which I found highly unique & cute. There's a couple of videos of her out there.
Greek webcam girl. She's got a crazy natural body & exotic face...love her lips and her voice and although she hasn't had sex on camera, she likes to suck & fuck things.
This foreign girl just turned 18, her body is unbelievable and her face is like...alien, but in a good way? I love watching a girl masturbate, lesbian double dildo action and tittyfucking & cumshot.