Sex Humor Porn Stories
Page 79

Dirty Jokes

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
A: Your job still sucks!

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!

Q: Why couldn't they get the dead mans casket lid shut?
A: Because he overdosed on viagra!

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!

Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.
... Continue»
Posted by xhamster69bbc 2 years ago  |  Categories: Sex Humor  |  Views: 435  |  
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A Visit to Beverlee's Hillls

Working in the consumer electronics industry since the 1980’s I would go to Las Vegas every January for the CES show. I worked for a company that always had us stay at the Sands Casino and Convention center, which happened to be the same place the Adult Entertainment Expo was held, running concurrent to the CES show. This is a true story.

This afforded many of us the opportunity to meet various porn stars who stayed at the same hotel. We would also slip into their expo and, meet stars and collect autographs. Since I started doing this in the ‘80s, I met actors and actre... Continue»
Posted by nvision 2 years ago  |  Categories: Sex Humor  |  Views: 434  |  
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Whore Wife Fucked Infront Of Hubby – Part II

My heart beat started to run very fast. I can imagine what condition these men dicks must be. I did not have to wait for long, dharampal touched her plump pussy and found her dripping wet, he said ” haramzadi ki chut kitni geeli hai dekho bhaio ‘ he showed his glistening finger to everyone he said ” aab teri chut phateygi bol kutia gand aur chut sath mein phatwayegi ya bari bari” . Jyoti to everyone’s suprise said” sath mein behan key lodey , aur bari bari sab sey continued.

Listen to this dharampal ordered everyone to make way for his monster, he had approx 9 inches long and 6 inches thic... Continue»
Posted by chandan0707 1 year ago  |  Categories: Group Sex, Sex Humor  |  Views: 434  |  
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The name's James Hard-on. Part II

This is a James Bond Gay spoof.

I answered it. "Hard-on here."

The boss B spoke. "Did you manage to find any evidence of Wadd?"

I smirked and pulled out the closed container of his white fluid. "Oh affirmative. I definitely 'managed' to pull it out of him. 3 pints of it possibly from my gues."

"Hard-on. You didn't."

"Well you wanted DNA, didn't you?"

"Yes but a simple skin sample would have sufficed."

"Yeah but what fun would that have done..." and I made a little titter. "Noblofeld is heading to Switzerland for some reason and I have to find out where exactly in or... Continue»
Posted by damlovmature 11 months ago  |  Categories: BDSM, Gay Male, Sex Humor  |  Views: 434  |  
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New Rain

I said something wrong, you’re angry. Pacing back and forth you pause and look over at me. You turn away, reach for your keys and head for the door.

“No” I cry out as I run to you “don’t go.”

You are already out the door headed to your truck, when you reach the tailgate to close it you feel my hands grab your arm.

As you turn your head in the darkness you see me. My hair already drenched from the rain, my tender eyes pleading with you to stay, to love me, my flowered sundress soaked and clinging to the sexy curves of my body.

You turn your body towards mine. I can see your d... Continue»
Posted by vividtease 2 years ago  |  Categories: Sex Humor  |  Views: 433  |  
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My first Pussy-sort of...

In my messages I received a lot of positive feedback from my first experience, so here is the rest of the month. Again, this is the beginning of my sexual life and it is true.

After I had my first orgasm with Ron, I was pretty much insatiable. I still had no clue how to satisfy myself; that is to say I had no idea I could jack myself off. I only thought that Ron possessed this magical power. However, it seemed my dick was perpetually hard as all twelve year old boys are. And I could not stop thinking about sex: in the classroom, on the paper route, doing my homework, I was a wreck. I was co... Continue»
Posted by mahuluvr 3 years ago  |  Categories: First Time, Sex Humor  |  Views: 432  |  
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Discovery - Strange Relationship Version X Chapter

The Red Dragon is, I suppose, my local, in that it’s the closest pub to my house. Saying that it’s not actually terribly close, being about a fifteen-minute walk away, and I didn’t frequent it a great deal. Richard loved the place though, being equidistant from his house in the opposite direction, and hence we spent a few Sunday lunches there followed by a walk back to his house. I wasn’t all that keen on eating there, what with owning my own restaurant anyway, and I always felt a little put out that Richard knew all the other patrons so well, whilst I often felt like a... Continue»
Posted by ChrisTracy 4 years ago  |  Categories: Mature, Sex Humor, Taboo  |  Views: 431  |  
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celebrating our one year together

True Story
Bappy's parents went out for a few hours and we were feeling naughty.
I got up and kissed bappy really passionately and he pushed me against the wall holding my arms above my head.
I struggled free and opened the door with my elbow not taking my lips off bappy. on our way through I grabbed a towel from the bannister and threw it on the bed. He picked me up and pushed me onto the bed kissing his way down my body.

Ramming his tongue in my pussy we both groaned as he tasted me and teased my little pussy. as I leaned up he pulled off my top and trousers properly and left me in ... Continue»
Posted by maaao 3 years ago  |  Categories: Sex Humor  |  Views: 431  |  
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The Punishment - Short Story

Lucy Sky, 24, happily married with two c***dren, had a very straight religious up-bringing. She learned already very early in life, that as a true believer you have to condemn the sin but to love the sinner - and she definitely seems to love both of them equally. She is a conqueror, a temptress and a teaser, but only in her erotic fantasies:

»You were masturbating in the dormitory again - s****r Noris heard you! How many cautions did you get already?« »Two, Father Anselm!« »And: do you confess?« »Oh yeah, Father Anselm, I do?« »So: all my prayers were in vain? You still are a naughty woma... Continue»
Posted by sushicook 3 years ago  |  Categories: Fetish, Mature, Sex Humor  |  Views: 431  |  
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The Porch (an un-story)

The collar snug against my neck...a leash attached to the porch rail on both sides limits my movement....the warm breeze gently blows across my naked body...kneeling on the porch step my hands laced in front of me pushing my full round breast together...my strong desire for your thick throbbing cock as you stand on the porch with your jeans undone...teasing my lips making my mouth open wide for it… making my neck press against my collar as I stretch out for it...my mouth waters watching your fingers squeeze your shaft firmly as you stroke it forward & back...knowing you have full control of wh... Continue»
Posted by vividtease 2 years ago  |  Categories: BDSM, Group Sex, Sex Humor  |  Views: 431  |  
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A Different Kind of Lover Chapter II (fiction)

A Different Kind of Lover Chapter II (fiction)

The last story I wrote was of my exciting lover Jenny who had a very special secret.
As I related in the first story, I had no clue whatsoever that my friend Jenny possessed an anatomical difference which I had never dreamed really existed. I had read of myths, legends, and lore which had described her hermaphrodite status, but I was mistakenly thinking this was fictional poppycock. After finding out about Jenny, oh what a world, what an intriguing new world she has introduced me to; she gave me a first-hand introduction to a completely new w... Continue»
Posted by charliec007 5 months ago  |  Categories: Sex Humor  |  Views: 431  |  
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The Booty Inspector of the Old West (part 2)

The Booty Inspector (part 2) by markfayer

Dick jones woke up with his tail between his legs – literally his schlong was tucked back up underneath his taint and was poking out between his butt-cheeks.
“Where am I?” he groggily queried aloud.
Then he noticed the 2 large feminine figures laying on either side of his naked body.
He was inside what appeared to be a traveling Whore’s-Bedroom-Within-a-Stagecoach.
The women were impressively striking – dark-skinned Nubian Zulu warrior Princesses. 6 ft. 2 inches tall, Long muscular thick bodies, with well-fleshed-out Asses and Thig... Continue»
Posted by markfayer 9 days ago  |  Categories: Group Sex, Lesbian Sex, Sex Humor  |  Views: 436  |  
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The Petrol Station - Short Story

Todd Wood, 23, an interstate truck driver, experiences a lot of lonely nights, when his erotic fantasies are his only companion. He doesn' has a fetish with virgins, but as he says: There is an unfading attraction in the innocence of women, and you have to be extremely sensitive to be the first man in their life! And this one is his favourite fantasy:

It's two o'clock in the morning as I pull into the petrol station, not for gasoline but for some inspiration to quench my physical desire before a couple of hours of sl**p in the van. The little road shop seems to be unattended but open. I br... Continue»
Posted by sushicook 3 years ago  |  Categories: Mature, Sex Humor  |  Views: 430  |  
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10 strange facts about kissing

Think you know a thing or two about kissing? You probably do. But the facts below are so off the beaten path, we’ll bet you don’t know them all—and they could come in handy. Not only could they provide some steamy “Did you know…?” chit chat, but they’ll help you see all the benefits a satisfying lip lock can bring into your life. Happy smooching!

1. Two out of every three couples turn their heads to the right when they kiss.

2. A simple peck uses two muscles; a passionate kiss, on the other hand, uses all 34 muscles in your face. Now that’s a rigorous workout!

3. Like fingerprints or ... Continue»
Posted by jpjai007 2 years ago  |  Categories: First Time, Sex Humor, Voyeur  |  Views: 430  |  
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Call guys best service

I got an email from a woman asking for sex service. She described as a widow of 34 years age and upon calling her at the number mentioned, she confirmed her email and a meeting were fixed. The address was of Jubilee Hills a very push locality in Hyderabad and I was aware of the kind of women who live there so I was pretty excited. On the day I dressed casually and packing my pocket with 2 packets of condoms I set out for the house. It was fairly simple to find the house. It was a big bungalow with a number of cars parked in the gallery.

The gate keeper telephoned inside and let me inside
... Continue»
Posted by bava12 1 day ago  |  Categories: First Time, Hardcore, Sex Humor  |  Views: 502  |  
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Pilot and lesbian

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a les... Continue»
Posted by semper-et-ubique 2 years ago  |  Categories: Sex Humor  |  Views: 429  |  
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Penis Types

Penis Types

1. Expensive Penis:
Not many penis fall into this definition. Expensive penis can be recognized by the following - suit and tie, nice vehicle, expensive watches, and well groomed.
Advantages: when you close your purse and make him pay for your dates he’ll disappear.
Disadvantages: his mother will fall to her knees and beg you to take him away.

2.Cheap Penis: Is not rare at all, they live with their parents and take the bus. Because they don’t have a job to buy a car.
Advantage: once his many sources of borrowed money runs out he’ll go away.
... Continue»
Posted by xhamporn 3 years ago  |  Categories: Sex Humor  |  Views: 427  |  
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Facial Faux Pas

This story is completely true and takes place about 3 years ago (2009). I had been seeing my ex girlfriend for about 2 months at this time and we had done pretty much everything but sex. Normally we would see each other once maybe twice a week because we lived about an hour away from each other. So because we were teenagers, we just needed to do something sexual every time we go together. Usually this would end up in her giving me head, or me fingering her.

The reason we did not actually have sex is because we were both virgins and she wanted to wait a little while before we eventually ... Continue»
Posted by Monkeyfohead16 2 years ago  |  Categories: Hardcore, Masturbation, Sex Humor  |  Views: 427  |  
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Are you gay?

Are you gay?
For the record, I’m not. If I was, I’m not sure that I would admit it, but I like to think I would.

Who knows?

The point is, I’m not, but I get accused of being gay all the time.

Most of it is either just jealousy from weak-minded guys, or wishful thinking from gay dudes, but it does come up.

The funniest example so far is this email I got the other day.

What’s really funny to me is when guys say that they KNOW I’m gay.

Now, I’ve met some gay dudes that were in the closet, and I actually know at least one right now. I guess if you live in a real conservative pla... Continue»
Posted by a_chord90 2 years ago  |  Categories: Sex Humor  |  Views: 432  |  
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Many moons ago

Nature's Delightful twins (and body)

Twin Breasts

This story goes back many sunrises and moon sets.

(60 years ago things were different then> but good!)

I was a young 'strapper' back then playing football, horse riding and playing cricket and loved to swim.
At the age of 15 mum took sick so dad arranged for me to go and stay with some good friends of his at a favourite beach side town.
The people weren't rich and lived in an old railway cottage ( right beside the tracks) yet still close for a quick walk down to a lovely white sandy beach.
Here the waves were high but gentle but ... Continue»
Posted by free2speakmymind 5 months ago  |  Categories: Sex Humor  |  Views: 427  |  
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