Sex Humor Porn Stories Page 77
1. Know anything about a car except its colour.
2. Understand a film plot.
3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message.
9. Read a map.
10. Rob a bank.
11. Resist Ikea.
12. Sit still.
13. Tell a joke.
14. Play pool.
15. Pay for dinner.
16. Eat a kebab whilst walking.
17. Pee out of a train window.
18. Argue without shouting.
19. Get told off without crying.
20. Understand fruit machines.
21. Walk past a shoe shop.
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich.
23. Not comment on strangers clothes.
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper.
It's the thirty first century and I'm a cop who just completed an assignment. Me and my parner busted some d**g kingpin importing d**gs from another planet making a killing. The d**g was similar to cocaine but only stronger and the both of us came and closed up shop permanently. Afterwards I went straight home and took a long warm shower. I stood there and let the water come crashing down my body feeling all the tension float away after a long day of catching the bad guys and kicking ass. ... Continue»
A while back, when I wasn't dating anyone at all. I got really hungry for some cum in my mouth like I usually do. I figured how hard can this be, right? I'm a cute young girl, I see guys undressing me with their eyes every day of the week. So I end up at this bar really close to where I live intending to order a bottle of something so I can suck it at cute guys from across the room if I had to (always worked for me before, right?). So, I get there and there is like nobody there except grizzly types and old fat dudes. Then a confident looking chubby guy caught my eye as the best candidate out o... Continue»
My buddy was coming to pick me up from the airport because I had just touched down. I was visiting him for the first time in six years, he had joined the Air f***e. I was going to stay for a week, I asked him to make sure there were some decent bitches around, but to my dismay he told me he was in a committed relationship and that I was on my own in that area. Well as I exited the plane into the airport, I noticed he was standing there with a very hot mess of a bitch, she was wearing a micro pink mini dress, and you could see she was freeballing because that fucking dress was almnost see throu... Continue»
Humpy McSaddle greeted the following day with a sly, clownish smile on his face, and it never left. Not that day, nor in the weeks that followed. She came to him most every day now, never at the same time. If she didn't appear for several days, McSaddle would stomp around the slaughterhouse, out of his mind with the clap, tearing at his hair plugs, bending at the waist to contain the nuclear urgency of his ever-ravenous hump tentacle.
He never knew when she might appear-morning, afternoon, evening. He might be having Taco Bell, and he would feel her near. Or walk by himself to inspect ... Continue»
ok so back in 05 i made a myspace. didnt know what it was or how to use it but all my friends had 1 so i wanted one to. i had it for about a month or 2, and girls just seemed 2 love me on there. another month goes by and thats when i figured out how easy it was 2 hook up with girls on myspace, if u had the right kinda game. so i send a friend request to a local model/singer(most girls on myspace are) and she accepted it and sent me a message before i could even try and spit my game at her. she was 5'11 127lbs with long black hair. she didnt have to much of an ass but the most perfect brea... Continue»
I woke up Saturday morning from a really hot dream and as usual I had throbbing hardon. I knew Mom and Dad had both gone to work, leaving just me and my s****r at home. As I lay in bed thinking about my dream I pulled off my underware and began to masturbate as I looked at some porn magazines enjoying the feeling as I stroked my hard cock. Without warning my bedroom door opened and my s****r walked in saying "Hey, what are you going to do today..." then she stopped in her tracks as she saw me naked spread eagle on the bed with my cock in my hand. Her eyes grew big with surprise when she saw me... Continue»
(The perfect game for lowering inhibitions is invented)
When I was 23 years old, I invented the perfect adult party game.
There may be some situations where other games may be preferred, but for my purposes (and probably yours) this was the greatest game ever. I have dozens of friends and partners who will back my claim.
I never chose to share it, rather saving it for my own purposes, but now you will learn the secret that worked so well, so many times for yours truly. It started with a couple of friends, and was refined under use many times and I can proudly state that nine times out... Continue»
A Book to Remember
J4K’s heart raced as the elegant young man entered the library. She blushed as his penetrating eyes met hers, she remembered last night’s hot steamy sex and she was pleasantly surprised he came back for more. It has been such a long time since her life has been filled with passion. Heck, it was six months since her husband touched her and at 40, she was at the peak of her sexuality. She was ready to put on her sexy boots and rock and roll, not spend hours on end watching senseless television shows on the couch.
She tried her best to k... Continue»
If you could be the hottest shemale that ever walked the earth for one day what would you do ? Im talking
*Beautiful Face, somewhat of Megan Fox or Lacey Chabert
*Pretty green eyes
*Nice smile & white baby teeth
*Very feminine voice
*Small girly hands & feet
*Long Hair (Brunette)
*About one shade darker than Pale skin
*Nice tight butt
*Boobs with no visible surgery scars
*And a small penis, just small enough for you to wear bikinis on the beach
Of course I want to hear your story's so i will make mine short,(Get all their email addresses)I would b... Continue»
It was quite hot during summer season. Saturday afternoon hard work, go downstairs watch a little TV and cool off from the heat, strip down take a shower, go upstairs and get dressed. Ever since the f****y moved out, this has been Saturday at my house. Why would this Saturday be different?
Everything went as usual, except while watching the game I fell asl**p. When I woke, I stripped and took my shower. Ten minutes later I'm walking up the stairs and notice that my wife, Rita, left the front door open. I can't get to our room without passing that door but the porch is partially covered so the... Continue»
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How... Continue»
I was just 16 years old, still slim and quite flexible. I went through puberty early at 13 and as my hormones went into overdrive a lot of things started changing, My pubes grew in and my cock grew out, I would get a boner every time in the showers after GYM class surrounded by all the other guys in my class. My best friend at the time was also in a similar way. He live a block over from me and we would often camp out in my tent in the back yard. I kept a stash of girly magazines for us to look at and we had fun talking about girls and getting horny. We we're not shy about getting naked and ma... Continue»
a few years ago i was a sophmore in college and i was kind of struggling to get used to the whole college life and stuff. I havnt had any long term relationships, as a matter of fact ive never had one more than a couple of weeks. that semester i said to myself "im gonna change this and get something going"; around that time i noticed a girl, she was my swimming proffesor and was only a year older than me.
this girl was probably the most beautiful girl i have ever seen ( in all honesty she really is) she had shoulder length black hair that had a very unique glossy texture. s... Continue»
This story is true and you probably will not believe it.
I was working at my friends new house and it was one of those days where almost everything went wrong. It was late and I was tired and feeling low. I decieded to stop off on my way home at my favorite bar and have a few drinks. I sat at the bar and ordered my regular Wild Turkey & coke. As I was finishing my first beverage a old employee of mine sat down beside me and asked If I could give her a ride home because her roommate stood her up. Sally was one of my best bartenders when a owned my one club. She is blonde, cute, young, 5 foot 3... Continue»
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his s****r is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. ... Continue»
It was a hot summer day in the windy city. I was at my girlfriend's house watching the Cubs play the Reds in Wrigley Field. My girl Lisa was a big Cubs fan but I was into the White Sox so we always debated on which team was better. Lisa, a hottie with flaming red hair, five foot five, and a body that wouldn't quit. On a hot day she wore short shorts and sandals and already I was feeling hard below the belt. The game was at the bottom of the eleventh inning with the game tied at three. With the game on the line I had to keep my mouth shut otherwise Lisa would have a fit. She was afrai... Continue»
This is a true story. I was once involved with a woman who had an on-again, off-again boyfriend. He was an alcoholic, and kind of a lout. At one point they even got engaged, even though he sometimes hit her. Eventually she broke that off, but even while she was 'with' him she kept having sex with me. It wasn't about romance, just sex and friendship.
Anyway, one day we were on her bed: she was wearing a sexy bra and panty set, which was kind of getting in the way, because she was on top of me, and we were in the "69" position, with me holding the panties to one s... Continue»
On a beautiful spring day in Ireland, a priest is walking down a country road when he sees Mary Katherine, a beautiful lass he's known since he baptized her as a babe at his church, walking in the opposite direction, crying hysterically.
"Mary Katherine, my darling c***d, what ever can be wrong on such a lovely day?" the priest asks.
"Ohhh, Father... I'm so sad... My husband..." sobs Mary Katherine. "My husband died last night at home..."
"Ohhh, Mary Katherine, I'm terribly sorry for your loss... Tell me, c***d, did he have any last ... Continue»
She let herself in, and was hanging up her jacket when she heard a noise from the kitchens. Seeking its source Emma discovered one of the chefs, a middle-aged ex-army chef named Mike. He was divorced, and had taken the job at the hotel mainly for the free lodging. Emma had never been sure about him. They flirted a little, generally quite harmlessly. Although middle age was upon him, he still had the powerful physique of an army man. She caught him with his nose in the huge, stainless steel fridge, fixing a midnight snack. He was wearing pyjama bottoms in a hideous tartan pattern. Christmas pre... Continue»