Sex Humor Porn Stories Page 69
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
"are you just about ready dear?" Linda inquired as she put the last of her face on.
"I am, sweet heart, we'd better get going or we're going to be late," Braxton retorted as he cinched his tie into place and gave it the usual wiggle to make sure we wasn't going to choke. "Alright sweetie, going to get the car, I'll be waiting for you out front." yes sir, she smirked as he fled out of the door.
She then grabbed her hand bag and made her way out of the front door, where her car and super handsome driver awaited. However just as she was about to open the door, Braxton in a flash had ... Continue»
where to start i guess from the beginning will be a good place. well our story starts back in 300 A.D when draclua the king of all vampires has 3 sons. by one of his wifes drake the oldest spike the middel son and lan the youngest. the three b*****rs was raised to be perfect killers as most vampires princes's are but these three was diffrent as the grew up they grew in power as a gift to them on their 15th birthday they was each given a leather duster. each with their own symble on the back of it. drakes had a pentagram with flames o nthe back of it. spikes had a silver upside down cross known... Continue»
We met up with some friends over xmas in a posh country club for some drinks. It was only meant to be for a couple, but it soon turned in to quite alot more than a couple. After about 6 or 7 pints we all nipped outside to the cold for a ciggy. Our friends headed back inside and we followed, i jokingly said to the Mrs, lets go into the men's toilets and have some fun, i din't think she would be up for it but she turned and walked straight in without even checking. We headed to 1 of the 2 cubicles and locked the door. I put the lid down and pulled her leggings down exposing her sexy lacy thong a... Continue»
This is actually a completely random post. I was talking with my a friend the other day, and he reminded me of something I did at a party a while back. I used to go to parties and get completely trashed when I was in high school. And I had this ex Abi, who was a total control freak, but very atractive, she was 5'4, mix of mexican and caucasion, very smoothe skin, long black hair, big doe eyes, perky b cup size, and a very tight ass. one thing I hated was that she would tease and lead me on but never actually do anything. After a few months of blue balls, we broke up and went our separated ways... Continue»
I walked along Watauga Avenue, my bare feet chilled by the damp concrete. Tonya was in Virginia, visiting her mother and I had gotten bored sitting at home alone. It was a rainy, foggy Monday night and there was very little traffic, so I had decided to take a long walk, naked. The only time I’d had to be careful of being spotted was at Church Circle as I left Sullivan Street. For safety’s sake, I had walked around Charlemont Avenue so I could pass behind the churches and bright floodlights.
Passing Linville Street, I started really looking at the big houses that lined Watauga. Most of them we... Continue»
I told you of a bet my wife and I made a while back and she won that one. Well I got her on another bet that I won. She was a gracious looser and said what do you have in mind? I said well I am feeling kinky tonight and I'll think of something, but while I am you go get showered and shave your pussy and ass hole bald. ( she keeps them shaved anyway ). She was off to the shower. I went in our room and started digging for something for her to wear. Since it was a warm evening I picked out her gray Elizabeth and James Mara tank dress , it comes about seven inches above her knee. no bra and her bl... Continue»
First let me introduce myself...I am Jay from the beautiful city Bangalore. I am 29 yrs old male with an athletic body and nice and juicy Dick of 8 inches. I am very fond of sex and anything related to sex. You can say I am a sex maniac. I always see sexy ladies in their beautiful dresses and think of having sex with them. I started watching blue films when I was in 8th class and from then I got into the wonderful world of sex. I use to read porn literature and watch adult movies whenever I got the chance. Today I would like to share my experience with a couple which happened in Bangalore. Fro... Continue»
It was 2002,I took a holiday to Ibiza with a girl I had been seeing for about a month,kind of a fuck buddy thing going on,well,to me it was. We booked the holiday for 10 days so there was plenty of time to fit a lot in,but mainly we were there for the clubs,the pills and the thrills,anyone that's been to ibiza will know what i'm talking about.Back home we were serious into clubbing too,that was our lifestyle cos we were young and enjoying ourselves.
Anyway one night we were out,I think it was at ''Space'',a well known club in ibiza, when we bumped into a group of girls from back home.I didn... Continue»
My hands were shaking at the anticipation, she grabbed the back of my neck and brought me in for another deep kiss, my fingers danced lightly over the mounds of her boobs grazing the hard nipples as my hand got closer to her glistening thighs. I moved my hands over her pussy lips. Wet doesn’t even get close to describing her. This girl was hot and dying for some hard cock to make her scream. Her back arched as I lightly moved her wet lips apart, her panty gusset was soaked through with it as I dragged them off her, her ass raising in the air to help giving me a waft of her pu... Continue»
Arranging to meet Sarah in the new pub was a waste of time she text as I arrived to say she was delayed somewhat I thought I'm here now no harm in a small glass of White was there I went inside for an afternoon it wasnt empty but not heaving I got my drink and headed for a table by the window I was thirsty and the first glass went down too quick so I headed to the bar for another I just sat back down when he walked in I blushed as his eyes clocked mine looking at him my god he was fit i looked away feeling flushed I couldn't resist another glance as he stood at the bar he was tall fit and a bo... Continue»
Well let’s just say I’m the mountainman66 I got that nickname so long ago I don’t even remember why. I’m a big old boy somewhat built like a tank, a water tank.
And like any good story worth telling, you have to have a protagonist and an antagonist.
But with this story you get to decide who is who.
It all started with my divorce, it left me somewhat high and dry, and not really caring about the opposite sex. Now who ever come up with that line had it right on the money. Opposite sex, what a laugh. More like obstinate sex.
BUT I’M NOT BITTER!
Okay now back to... Continue»
Well, hello everyone out there... I decided to write this down in my own thoughts, because so many men are asking me what I think is sooooo damn hot about bisexual men... Okay, if you are curious, I'll tell you!! I tell you what I think about it... ;)
So, the first thing I want to let you know is, how I even started watching gay porn... That was a couple of years ago... I started watching "normal" porn with guys & girls... But after some time, it became kind of boring to me... So I searched for something new... And I always wanted to know, how the guys do it to each other... So I went to th... Continue»
I had been talking to this guy on the internet for about 3 months. He was obviously sex crazy. We had been constantly flirting and there was definitely a sexual attraction. He lived about 2 hours away, so finally one night I drove up there. After some chit chat and a few beers/shots of whiskey, he came up from behind me and kissed me. We ended up grinding each other while I was straddling him. I was so wet and I couldn't handle it anymore. We p
As I log on to my social network of choice, I put down my bottle of cola for a moment to input the password. As the page loads up I taste the sugary drink. In the corner of the screen there is 1 new friend request. "Maria" 20.
I remember working with Maria a few years before that, she was about 3 years younger then me but she was pretty open about what she wanted, even when she was 15. I accept, thinking to myself "worth a shot now".
A few moments later an IM bubble pops up " hey stranger, how you doing ? :)". Great I responded. Over the next hour or so we ... Continue»
Katie had only just found her seat and already she was feeling uneasy. The theater was packed; it was after all opening night. To her left sat a couple of teenaged girls chatting and giggling, to her right a father and son busy talking about the score of the game tonight. She did a quick scan of the dimly lit room but she couldn’t see him. She knew he was there, she just didn’t know where.
He had given her the toys and instructions to which she had to follow to the letter:
-8pm, Theater 7, row 5, seat 8
-Enter the theater with the beads in place and insert the vibrator when the lights... Continue»
7 Signs you're Gay
You fucking wish you were a real man... well just get over it because you never have been and you never will!
In fact, Ill bet you that you're actually gay... even if you dont want to be!!! haha - homo!
Okay seriously bitch, you need to be honest with this mini-quiz... you need to get over the denial and fear and when you know your should answer yes, just do it...
If you really want to know once and for all if you're a cock smoking queer, or not - then just be honest when you answer and then we will see... if you're a raging homo gay lord!
1. You have thought or... Continue»
A true story.
I work in a large factory, i try to be friendly with everyone. When working the afternoon shift, there are cleaners that do the toilets, around teatime. One of female cleaners took a bit of a shine to me, a bit of flirting etc. I used to like talking to her whilst she was working, because she used to give me a flash down her top, you could tell she did it on purpose and she had big tits too.
After several weeks of verbal foreplay and tit flashing, i went to talk to her this particular day. She just blurted out...Do you want to fuck me... Me being the shy type just stood there... Continue»
After my first time at the sex party I was
well I'm not sure how to describe it, my confidence
was up and I felt empowered.
The parties were monthly, just about right
more frequent and they wouldn't be special
but less and I would start to stray.
For my return visit I did some shopping
I went online and did a bit of research
then purchased something special which
arrived on the morning of the party.
I have a summer dress that was ideal
lloose and flowing, slightly hippie and
a bit girlie, I felt like the flake girl in
it. I wore it with a belt low slung around my h... Continue»
So this weekend my Aunt asked if I would help her clean out her attic and put on a yard sale. I know she will be upset if she finds out I posted this but, I guess my obsession with giving head runs in the f****y :)
While going through some of her Law School books, this note fell out, I still have more books to go through, I hope i find more.
K.L. thoughts on my recent Oral Arguments- Pro
"Any college student looking for work in his field can appreciate the difference between theory and practice. Long before I developed any sort of expertise in the sexual arts, Scarletlet... Continue»