Sex Humor Porn Stories Page 2
If you didn't know I'm a former 3time martial arts champ.
I still train myself and every now and then I get involved in a tournament or two, simply because as everybody knows you get good money from fighting.
I have a tournament on this Sunday, so I'm going to my old Do-jo after hours to meet up and spar with my old teacher, she is one tough bitch, but she has some fucking moves that your brain wouldn't even begin to comprehend.....serious.
In fact she's probably reading this right now.....
So anyway I'm writing this down just in case I don't make it back home tonight,
I know s... Continue»
Im Hausflur begegnete mir mal meine Nachbarin, sie ist schon etwas reifer, deshalb aber keineswegs unattraktiv, sie strahlt einfach dieses Frauliche aus, kein Mädchen mehr. Wie ich anhand ihrer Einkaustüten sah, war sie auf dem Weg zum Supermarkt, da mein Auto derzeit etwas fahruntüchtig ist, fragte ich frecher Weise, mit einem sympathischen Lächeln, ob sie mich mitnehmen würde. Sie freute sich, da das Einkaufen an sich, ja eher langweiliger Natur ist, halt ein notgedrungenes Unterfangen. Ich brauchte nicht viel, so waren wir mehr mit ihren Sachen beschäftigt, als mit meinen. Wir alb
When i was 18 i had my first orgy ...it was me, my boy, this girl i had just met, and her friend. It all started at cici's (pizza buffet) me and my boy had walked in to grab a bite when we came across two big booty chicks ...we hit it off and started talking after five min's into the convo 1 of the girls asked if we wanted to fuck!!!! lol i know i couldn't believe it myself it was as if an angel came down and sprinkled pussy juices all over my throbbing cock ..... i was so shocked that they were so strait fwd i pulled my boy to the side and told him "man no homo b*o but this is a one inna life... Continue»
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play ... Continue»
i was at a festival with four friends this summer and me and one girl sarah decided we'd share a tent.sarah is a sexy brunette with a face you would love to cum all over ass you'd love to lick and pussy to pound...
one night i went back to the tent early as i had thought of a brilliant idea.alone in the tent i went looking through her bag and found a lovely pair of white panties.the smell of them was making my cock throb in my jeans i had to start wanking it off furiously.while wanking i managed to find her tooth brush this excited me even more.i placed the toothbrush in my mouth panties ov... Continue»
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard,
which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. ... Continue»
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mo... Continue»
A man walks into a d**g store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men
use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks,
"Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pac... Continue»
Dear Dirty Diary,
Three weeks passed and it was Sunday morning. The sun peeked softly through the slats of the blinds in our bedroom, showing promise for an inspiring new day. Doug was sl**ping soundly, so I carefully slipped out of bed and headed for the shower. Soon the hot water tingled against my back and trickled down my bum, warming me completely. I shampooed my hair then began to lather the rest of me. The slippery bar of Dove slid soothingly across my wet skin, caressing my body with its softly rounded contours. Sure I had lathered my body completely, I took down the hand-held... Continue»
An American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico were
shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs to their f****y
and friends. Time passed, and the couple realized that neither of them
was wearing a watch. They noticed this little Mexican man taking a
siesta next to this mule, which had the largest set of mule nuts they
had ever seen.
Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little
Mexican man, "Excuse us, but could you tell us what time it is?"
The little Mexican man reached his hand under the enormous set of mule
nuts and, li... Continue»
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your c***dren are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I
licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to
scr**e my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.
I threw away the outsides of my Oreo Cookie
On the first day of Christmas, my true slut gave to me
A virgin so very horny
On the second day, she gave me two pecker rubs
And a virgin so very horny
Now on the third day of Christmas, that ol' bitch, she brought home three French whores
Two pecker rubs
And a virgin so very horny
Now on the fourth day of Christmas, four calling girls
Three French whores
Two pecker rubs
And a virgin so very horny
On the fifth day of Christmas she brought me home somethin' special
She brought me home somethin' special
Five herpie seeds
Four calling girls
Three French whores
Two peck... Continue»
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,
"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."
At that moment, the girlfriend's younger s****r shows up at ... Continue»
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is... Continue»
(I was inspired by a story I found somewhere on the net, it was called "Sam's fall from grace", I don't know the author but thanks a lot to him for the great story)
Chapter 3 - the AJHAB feature
I did not sl**p well that night. I was having nightmares about my close encounter with death. Julie and I were just incredibly lucky to not have been caught by her muscular boyfriend. Thanks to her quick reaction and also to the fact that her boyfriend was probably exhausted from his football match I made it safely out of her apartment. But what would have happened if he had come home five mi... Continue»
Dear Dirty Diary,
Eight weeks had passed since Doug had come home from the hospital. He was still a little pale looking and complained of being cold all the time because of the bl**d thinners. The night before, he was detached and completely immersed in a Blue Jays baseball game. Early the following morning was gray and rainy and I was feeling quite sorry for myself. Like a fool looking for comfort, I went down into the den, popped in that Lisa Brokop “When I get to be you” CD into the stereo and cranked up the volume.
IT WAS NOT THAT LONG AGO,
That i got around to setting this thing up, in the first place, After meeting two very nice polite large Women here i wantedto add my personal touch to things and as most people know me as SIR or MASTER would expect me to revert to type and would DOMINATE THEM yes no you descide how this pans out. so what to do diffrently yes i like these two women and from our chats they seem to like me, but its not enough (Typical MALE) i want something more something Special, something unique for WiCKED ME TO ENJOY. what shall it be, how about seeing them, hop on a plain from the ... Continue»
I was having a chat to someone recently about the way online flirtation works, and she confirmed my suspicions to me.
"We are the hunted, and you are the hunters,"
she said, and of course it's so true. And it's probably as it should be and as old a story as Cromagnon man.
Man see woman.
Man want woman.
Woman shriek and run away.
Woman catches stiletto in undergrowth.
And whatever happens in the bushes is the way of the world.
But it's even more true online than in the real world.
Every woman I talk to online and/or meet in real li... Continue»
1. Expensive Pussy
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following – fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it.
2. Cheap Pussy
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following – she will often pa... Continue»