Sex Humor Porn Stories Page 62
Seven wise men with the knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last was... Continue»
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A MOTHER AND SON WAS WALK DOWN THE ROAD THE MOTHER SAW A SEX HOUSE SHE TURNED TO HER SON AND SAID DON'T U EVER GO IN THERE. HE GOES OK MOM. ONE DAY JUST WALKING HOME AND HE CAME PASS THE SEX HOUSE THIS SMOKING HOT BLONDE SAYS DO U WANNA COME IN HE SAYS I CAN'T I CAN'T MY MAM SAYS SHE GOES I WONT TELL. HE GOES ALRIGHT THEN SO HE GOES IN. SHE SAYS DO U WANT TO GO UP STAIRS HE SAYS I CAN'T I CAN'T MY MAM SAYS. SHE SAYS I WONT TELL. SO HE SAYS ALRIGHT. SO THEY GO UP AND THE SAYS TO WANNA HAVE SEX HE SAYS I CAN'T I AN'T MY MAM SAYS SHE SAYS I WONT SAY. SO THEY DID. WHEN THEY DONE SHE SAYS U CAN TAK... Continue»
My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sl**ps with the fishes.
Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't y... Continue»
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other That is, until I met your b*****r.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace Now if only you could hide your face.
* Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes all the things you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love y... Continue»
This morning when waking up, as always, i go straight to the toilets, scratching carelessly my f****y jewels. I just forgot for a second that my cousine was at home since yesterday evening. She's there standing in the corridor staring at me. Such an uncomfortable feeling grows in me...
Now she's enjoying her breakfast, i go to the bathroom, washing myself and here comes my morning boner without warning, i start wanking, lightly, and once again i just forgot i'm not alone, and the door is not locked and there she's entering the bathroom, hopefully i was not moaning her name...
Now she'... Continue»
English is not my first language.
It was almost twenty years ago.
I sat down with my girl friend in a quite Café. When she took off her coat, I realized she did not wear a bra that day because I could see the shape of her nipple on her thin clothes. I wanted to do a plank of it. So I touched her nipple slightly -almost barely- over her clothes in a way no one could see. It was a public place but she did not complain or resist. So I continued to touch her nipple slightly, barely and gently over her clothes again and again during conversation. Finally she sighed and closed h... Continue»
I don't have any friends, keeps me out of trouble. I think its my lips that make me smile but i could be wrong. I'm proud I don't have a job, gives me time to help out some poor k**s that don't have a father. k**s are the ones who will be here when we are dead and we need them to be smart and do the right thing. I love helping people and being kind to anyone in need, I spend most of my time working for people for free, cause I have more money then I could spend in three life times. my dad died and left me alot of money but that's a story for some other time.
I have two cars and one truck ... Continue»
Great embarrassment filled my body. I'd never been caught having sex before and this was a whole lot different from most embarrassment.
I was hiding behind Jovanne's warm body and his arms slid around me, covering me and I was deeply surprised that he was putting his whole body out there just to cover for me. I slowly peered over his shoulder, breathing deeply and when I saw the face, it made me sigh with releif and I swore.
"What the fuck is going on? Emily? Holy mother fucker." Shyla hissed, glaring at both of us and I was surprised by her language. I raised a perfect brow, stepping of f... Continue»
Host: "Good evening. If you're just joining us, we're talking tonight with Loretta Modern, star of the new... (clears throat
)... adult film 'Lady Lust
Loretta: "Good evening."
Host: "So, tell us, Loretta, do you really enjoy your work, or are you just fake fucking for the camera?"
Loretta: "I can assure you, Tom, there's nothing fake about it. And, yes, I really do like it. I've done other types of work in my life and this is the most... fun I've ever had working (laughs
Host: "Caller, you have a question for Loretta?"
Caller: "Hello, Loretta. I'm Jim"
It was 1992. I will never forget, it was a mild summer day and unusual blue sky in Washington State. I was 14 at the time. Just got done playing a backyard football game with the neighborhood military k**s like myself, and like after every game we headed to our houses for drinks and snacks. As I sat on my porch a friend of mine came upon me with his Super Soaker (a recreational water gun that was popular in the 90s) manually pressurizing it or pumping it for the air pressure needed for the range and f***e of the next jet stream of water. Well as he did this he was imitating jacking... Continue»
We met up with some friends over xmas in a posh country club for some drinks. It was only meant to be for a couple, but it soon turned in to quite alot more than a couple. After about 6 or 7 pints we all nipped outside to the cold for a ciggy. Our friends headed back inside and we followed, i jokingly said to the Mrs, lets go into the men's toilets and have some fun, i din't think she would be up for it but she turned and walked straight in without even checking. We headed to 1 of the 2 cubicles and locked the door. I put the lid down and pulled her leggings down exposing her sexy lacy thong a... Continue»
For some folks the actual masturbation or wanking would take less time than the telling of the story, but not always.
When I was at school and around about eleven or twelve years of age there was talk about 'wanking'. Now I had no idea what on earth it was but I listened.
Apparently what you had to do was lie down on your bed and play with your cock until you got a hard on. The next thing to be done was grab it with your hand and move the hand up and down. If you did this it was called wanking.
That evening after the meal I went up to my room to do my homework, or that is what I sa... Continue»
My b*****r has this friend who s a total pervert and is always trying to spy on me when hes at our house..I tend not to wear much around the house but not for attention just because im comfortable in my own skin yano..well maybe a lil for attention.
anyway I was expecting a call to the house the other day so left the bathroom door ajar incase it rang so i could hear it..
I was in the middle ofa nice hot bath when I heard kevin come in with his friend..they went straight into the kitchen so i just closed the door over a little leaving it slightly open
A few mins passed when i heard some1 at... Continue»
Okay so I have been thinking about it for a while but today I did it, I went into the premises and up the stairs and waited my turn.
A gorgeous young lady beckoned me in to a room where I took clothes off, not all of them, just some.
Then she sat me in a reclining chair and started to play with my nipples! Now I do not get a hard on nowadays but I definitely got a flicker in the knickers so to speak.
She very carefully massaged one and then the other and did all manner of horny things with her hands.
Then after a moment or two she smiled nicely at me and 'HOLY FUCKING OUCH!!' That... Continue»
I have mulled over writing this little story down for quite awhile. I never actually thought I would tell anyone this but I think it makes for a fun little short story and I always wanted to share the experience. Yet being a rather private person I couldn't bring myself to tell past girlfriends and such so I suppose a porn site filled with kinky strangers from around the world is the perfect place to write it down, both cause it is a funny story and for my own personal entertainment.
I remember coming home from school that day and the first woman I ever noticed in a sexual way, not under... Continue»
January 30. 2012
This is my first Journal entry. Why do people write a journal? Probably because they’re lonely. But I, the great Takuri, or at least that’s what I’m calling myself these days, am never lonely. No I’m writing this journal so that other people can see, can read what great things I’ve done and where I’ve erred. It feels like I’m writing the truth. As a magician I spent my whole life living in illusions, bending the truth both to the audience but also to my humble self, now it feels like I can finally tell the whole story, you can’t go to somebody who you are manipulating and tel... Continue»
I am way to scared to go dogging and can be a bit shy to go to gay venues but I have needs and as a sub bottom I really do need to be comprehensively shagged; the more often the better.
Some time ago I went to a 'north' London sauna once and when I walked in the door the fellow at the counter asked me if I realised it was a Gay sauna. I am a very straight looking guy and if you thought I was gay you may say a very dominant top, but the truth lies elsewhere.
I told the young fellow that I realised what the establishment provided and after the payment of the obligatory £14 I went in.
Sam and i been best buddies for some years and shared some great times together. we usually go snowboarding several times during the winter and have great chats there. st some stage we suddenly decided in the summer that we should go snowboarding.. we arranged a trip to the nearest glacier and the evening before the trip we talked to a girl we both know.. she was not a big looker but slim , good ass and fun to be with. when she heard out plan she asked if she could join and we said for sure why not..
the next day we took the trip to the glacier.. on the way to the glacier we kept joking a... Continue»
Many years ago when I was about five or six years of age I experimented anally in the bath with a bit of soap; it felt good apart from the soap stinging a little bit.
When I was about ten years of age I got fucked for the first time by a friend of the same age. I don't know where he got the idea from but it felt very nice although there were minor complications.
In my teens a male friend and I used to have wanking races in his bedroom. We used to suck each other but not to orgasm so I never knowingly swallowed his cum.
Around about that time I lost my anal virginity in total to a Ga... Continue»