Sex Humor Porn Stories Page 109
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
Mike and Becky met in a bar in Louisiana, Mike had never been in that state before, he had never been in the country but had contacted Becky through an internet site! This sounds strange but it is not really! They both had a few drinks then Becky said " I feel I have been really naughty, what would you like to do to me?" Mike said ..." Well Girl a bit of corporal punishment should be in order!" "OH What sort??" ! A Fucking good thrashing, over my knee! He pulled her skirt up, her panties down then spanked her on the bit between her thighs and buttocks, Becky came almost at once, Mike pulled... Continue»
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to
sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth
of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him
in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK."
And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole."
The same stranger ... Continue»
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard,
which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. ... Continue»
In my messages I received a lot of positive feedback from my first experience, so here is the rest of the month. Again, this is the beginning of my sexual life and it is true.
After I had my first orgasm with Ron, I was pretty much insatiable. I still had no clue how to satisfy myself; that is to say I had no idea I could jack myself off. I only thought that Ron possessed this magical power. However, it seemed my dick was perpetually hard as all twelve year old boys are. And I could not stop thinking about sex: in the classroom, on the paper route, doing my homework, I was a wreck. I was co... Continue»
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her... Continue»
During my freshmen year in High School I was new to this country. I didn't much about it. My f****y had just moved from Mexico to California and we had no clue how different things worked here, and how similiar were other things. When I was living in Mexico we had no money, but every month my mom managed to pay the rent. A man would come in every first of the month and ask for the money. My mom would ask me to go to my room. Then she would walk to the guy to her room and after two hours he would leave the house. So happy that he would forget to ask for the money. Back then I had no idea what r... Continue»
When reading this it must be read with a ITALIAN ACCENT....
One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.
I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two
pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.
I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no
understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on
plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma
Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana
tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!
Little Johnny's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."
Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnny, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think."
The teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnny's teacher.
Johnny raised his hand again and said, "Teacher ... Continue»
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asl**p.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST... Continue»
I look at her as if she were a godess, she has long black hair you no down to the top of here butt, deep blue eyes and a great pair of lips that say kiss me soft or kiss me hard I just wont to be kissed But its my mums best friend what was i gonna do?
One morning as I woke I heard laughter from downstairs I know one was my mum but was not sure of the other laughter so i got dressed and went down to see who else was there as i went into the livingroom there she was the women i always seem to think about when im alone in my bedroom ;-). I could not belive it i'm stud there looking all tired a... Continue»
i was at a festival with four friends this summer and me and one girl sarah decided we'd share a tent.sarah is a sexy brunette with a face you would love to cum all over ass you'd love to lick and pussy to pound...
one night i went back to the tent early as i had thought of a brilliant idea.alone in the tent i went looking through her bag and found a lovely pair of white panties.the smell of them was making my cock throb in my jeans i had to start wanking it off furiously.while wanking i managed to find her tooth brush this excited me even more.i placed the toothbrush in my mouth panties ov... Continue»
There is this senior in high-school and he is mad because he has to share his room with his b*****r, Little Johnny, who is 9. They have bunk-beds and the older b*****r is on top...so one night the big b*****r comes home with his girlfriend for a little fun....he says to her.."My lil b*****r is asl**p, whisper tomato for harder and lettuce for a different position."
So they get up in the top bunk and begin getting it on, she begins saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato." eventually she begins to yell "LETUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO" finally the Little Johnny wak... Continue»
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex ther****t's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry... Continue»
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play ... Continue»
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto ... Continue»
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred pounds just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred pounds! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred pounds on the table. They sit there a while longe... Continue»
Ever hear that old rap song “It was a Good Day” by Ice Cube?
The song refers to that one inevitable day that every one has where everything goes “right”, you can’t make a mistake and you have the luck of the Irish.
Well, I recently had one of those days. It was probably one of the greatest days in my life.
For a little background on me (to put things in perspective) … I live and work in San Francisco. It’s a great city, but I have what is deemed bad karma. My friends tease me by calling me “Peter Parker” because I’m a little bit klutzy and always have some trouble with the ladies.
I haven't been with many women, I am not even old enough to drink yet so I still got time! I have been with a few different girls & have had a few nice experiences with each of them, sorry no visuals for any of them. Only my most recent ex:
So here's a little info on the girls I was with & some of the experiences I've had so far.
Name - Age
Hair Color - Type
Age I was when I was with them
What I did with them
Amanda - 18
Black - Straight Long (To hips)
HJ, BJ, Sex, Ana... Continue»
Last week I was ready for a girls nite out with my best girlfriend but once again her husband decided to ruin it all by getting sick so she opted to stay home and take care of him instead:(((. So all alone and nothing to do I got on xhamster and started watching a little bit'o'porn playing with my increasingly wet pussy. Well about 10 or 15 minutes into taking care of myself I realized that i had forgotten to draw my shades shut....oops..... When I looked out I could see into my neighbors window and there he was staring right into my window. Cock in hand an just. Pulling away at it. Well i ... Continue»